


Milk & Mutilation

by IantosCoffeeIsTheBest



Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock - Fandom, Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: Based on prompts, Johnlock - Freeform, M/M, Phone messages, Texts Series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-11
Updated: 2014-06-04
Packaged: 2018-01-24 08:59:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 63,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1599167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IantosCoffeeIsTheBest/pseuds/IantosCoffeeIsTheBest
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of texts to and from Sherlock & John in different situations. Other characters get involved too!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: Milk & Mutilation  
Milk & Mutlitation

You've left the bloody parts in the fridge, AGAIN! Buy a mini-fridge  
or something. I don't like the idea of them being near actual food...  
-JW

Are you using the term 'bloody' as an adjective or an expletive? I  
would like to add that I did in fact purchase a mini-fridge some time  
ago and found that I could not fit a decapitated head inside.  
Therefore is of no practical use. Also, for the record. Human flesh  
can be deemed 'actual food' to some people/races. -SH

Eurgh. Ur a sick man, Sherlock! -JW

I didn't say that I have divulged in eating it! -SH

I wouldn't put anything past you...was probably for one of your  
experiments... -JW

This is getting tedious now. I have not eaten human flesh, John. -SH

Whatever. Did you get the milk? -JW

No. Why would I need to purchase milk? It is not of any relevance to  
my current experiment. -SH

...Because you said you would get some...oh, do worry I'm on my way  
home now, ill pick some up on the way. Its amazing how you 'forgot'  
with a mind palace like yours. -JW

I only remember things of use. To me or to a case. Not something as  
mundane as shopping, do be serious, John. -SH

Right. You don't need to put ur initials after every text you send  
Sherlock, I have got ur number saved in my phone, the texts are  
clearly from you...-JW

Likewise. Great deduction. Now, can I get on with my experiment  
without further interruption. -SH

Well, I have to put my initials so that you know the texts are from  
me, you never properly look at ur phone. You probably could 'deduce'  
that they're from me, but I like to make it clear. Unlike that time u  
thought I was Anderson... -JW

I did not think you were Anderson in the slightest! I just happened to  
be occupied with other facts that weren't so trivial and sent the  
message to you instead. An easy error to make when otherwise occupied.  
-SH

Oooh! 'otherwise occupied'...sounds ominous! I still can't believe YOU  
text Anderson...-JW

Oh, I enjoy messaging him. Its mostly abuse which I find exceedingly  
funny, annoyingly he doesn't. The other percentage is threats not to  
contaminate anything before I get there; the man is a walking  
contaminate. I know it was only a one time occurrence but it still  
riles him to no end. -SH

I actually think you love Anderson, in some weirdly hateful way... -JW

Do be serious. I'm surprised at Donavan for aiding his ego, what must  
she see in him...A promotion maybe? Or knocking out the competition,  
getting background information is a factor. -SH

Or maybe she just likes him. You know, what normal people do on  
occasion. Although it is quite sickening, and its Anderson. I mean  
sargent Donavan aint that bad to look at, she could do better. -JW

If you don't mind John. This experiment is critical to a man's alibi,  
I'd much rather come to a conclusion while they're still going over  
irrelevant facts until they can comprehend them in their tiny little  
minds. -SH

Alright, see you when I get home. Try not to blow up the kitchen, I  
kinda need it for making tea and that. -JW

I'll try. Although I can't be certain. -SH

But feel free to text Anderson abuse, as long as you show me when I get back.-JW

Oh, I will. -SH

Chapter 2: The difference between Sarcasm & Whit  
The difference between sarcasm and whit

Why does everyone think were gay!? –JW

We flat-share, are in each other's company quite a lot, go out for dinner in restaurant together, we know a vast amount about one another. To the common (unintelligent) eye, this all leads to the assumption of us being romantically involved.-SH

We could just be fuck-buddies? Or friends with benefits? Romance doesn't have to be a factor.-JW

John, are you making a proposition? If so, I am flattered, but as I clarified before, I am married to my work. There would not be time for anything…recreational.-SH

No! no, I didn't mean that!-JW

'Sides, who said anything about marriage? ;)-JW

Pardon? –SH

Not to worry. Pass me your laptop.-SH

Get it yourself! You've got the energy to text , but not to reach across the coffee table to get MY laptop (you have your own remember?)-JW

YOUR laptop s within reaching distance for both of us, mine is not. Your closer.-SH

I might have 'things' on there I don't want you to see…not that I have, I'm just saying.-JW

You clearly have a collection of pornography or explicit images stored, otherwise you would have corrected yourself.-SH

Of course I haven't!-JW

John, you're a doctor, its nothing you or I haven't seen before. Besides, your indecent files will not coincide with my research.-SH

Okay…-JW

There's no need to be sceptical. What use would I have for those images?-SH

Oh…I dunno…it's a mystery.-JW

Now you are mocking me.-SH

Really? How on earth did you come to that conclusion?-JW

Smart doesn't suit you, John. Neither does sarcasm nor whit.-SH

I think I pull off smart quite well! Ellie says I look dashing in my tux…Isn't sarcasm and whit the same thing?-JW

Maybe she was being sarcastic? –SH

Only kidding. You look rather fetching in a tuxedo.-SH

Although I didn't mean smart in that context. Who is Ellie again? Girlfriend, obviously, but which one? And no John, only a fool would compare the two (sarcasm and whit).-SH

Erm, thanks. I guess. Of course I knew you meant the other meaning to 'smart' I was pissing about. Ellie is the one that came to our new years party? Brown hair, brown eyes, quite tall…-JW

Ah, I recall. She reminded me of a young Margaret Thatcher. Would you like the dictionary definition of Sarcasm and Whit?-SH

Riiight, not sure if that's a compliment or not. And no thanks, I have a dictionary within reach. My definition of reach, not yours.-JW

Ill let you make your own deductions. Please stop staring sentences with a connective. It unbecoming.-SH

Thanks for that. Although, unlike you. I don't spend my time thinking about pointless things (I'm turning into you) …this is supposed to be a text, ppl tlk lke ths and ur worried about a connective! Shame on you! -JW

I find that fact quite horrific.-SH

Thought you would. Mr. Etiquette.-JW

Mr. Tea-Jam-Man.-SH

Couldn't think of anything apart from my eating habits then?-JW

Mr. Master Sargent. -SH

Now your pulling rank?-JW

When all else fails.-SH

You seriously couldn't think of anything else?-JW

I could. Although my mind is currently determining other things. Trading pleasantries is hardly a apt use for brain power, don't you agree?-SH

Should have guessed. Tea?-JW

Mr. Efficient?-SH

We've finished the game now! Ur answer is late!-JW

This game isn't official John, therefore we can bend the rules If both parties agree. Mr. Discipline?-SH

Well then, I disagree *insert evil laugh here*-JW

Wait a second! Discipline!? Hardly.-JW

You abide by rules frequently, and are known for scorning/governing me, or if you ask Lestrade, keeping me on my best behaviour. –SH

Well that's because I like telling you off. Ha!-JW

No, you hate having to shout at me for trivial things such as locking the front door, but you do it anyway because you are protective. Mr. Protective?-SH

We're not playing the game anymore, for the second time. I'm only protective because your my best friend Sherlock. What if someone snuck in at night? Hovering over your sleeping body with a meat cleaver?-JW

You have such a vivid imagination. In answer to your hypothesis. I would be alert, even in times of rest, so you needn't worry soldier. Besides, I would have heard them ascending the stairs; the 5th step creaks.-SH

Soldier? I won't get the step fixed then, just encase. ;) –JW

The likelihood of said even is 23% seeing as most enemies are behind bars.-SH

Good to know…-JW

Chapter 3: Of Smiley's and Serial Killers  
Part 3: Of Smileys and Serial Killers.

Sherlock, did I just text a serial killer!?-JW

No, don't be so dramatic. The deceased were all suicides. Each one dies of their own accord. The psychopath had a hand in the murders themselves, but I ponder as to how. I will have to make further inquiries to build a strong assumption.-SH

Right. That still doesn't exactly put my mind at ease. He's got my number now, he can trace me….supposing it is a 'he'. Thanks Sherlock, thanks a lot.-JW

The culprit is male. I could give you a list of reasons as to why, I doubt you'd appreciate it in your current mood. You're a soldier John, you can handle it. I'm sure.-SH

Yes. WAS a soldier. Was being the operative word! Even as a soldier, I knew my enemy. This psychopath has one over on me, not to mention my age and limp…-JW

The limp is psychosomatic, John. If you needed to fight you would surely forget about it, therefore it would seize to be apparent at that time. You have not been limping lately until you bring the subject up…hence it being psychosomatic. You can handle yourself. In terms f age; you are NOT that old. Do be serious. You are in good health, if I might add, you also have provided quite adequate in past debacles, give yourself some credit. If worse comes to worst I will be of hand. Also this serial killer is driven by financial gain, and not of his own accord. I highly doubt you will be on any such hit-lists. -SH

Erm…thank you? I think that's a compliment, can never be sure with you. It sounded like one. Although, what were you planning on doing then? Standing and watching me fight a killer!? To observe or deduct some sort of survival pattern or hope it gives out some kind clue by mistake?-JW

Good attempt, but no. I was going to offer myself to be the decoy. Play the victim and have you as back-up. I feel that it would be more suitable to the situation at hand, however I will be doing a fair amount of deduction whilst you are present to build more of a profile on the subject.-SH

Okay. That seems…well thought out. Good, yeah. We'll talk more when I get home from work (about the game plan) :) -JW

One last query. Does the 'smiley' constructed of a colon and open bracket signify the end of our altercation?-SH

Yes, Sherlock. Its fine, were good now :) Altercation is such a strong word…I just got a little worried, then annoyed, and possibly angry, but nothing out of the ordinary. Don't worry, its all fine :) Speak when I get home. -JW

I see. Thank you, John. (: -SH

I didn't think I'd ever see the day where Sherlock Holmes, The King of Literacy, would use something as common and expressionist as a smiley! Ha! :) …Not that it's a bad thing! :)-JW

Well don't get used to it. There will not be a repeat performance, I assure you.-SH

...and the façade falls back into place.-JW

Chapter 4: Hobbies & Donavan  
Part 4: Hobbies and Donavan.

Why does Donavan keep telling me to get a different hobby She thinks you're dangerous for some obscene reason! She thinks you're gunna go on some killing spree!-JW

You, of all people should know that anyone is capable of murder. Anyone. Although she is quite annoying; her constant reference to me as 'freak is very demeaning, but also seemingly inappropriate considering I solve her cases. Even more so inappropriate, you seem to know alot regarding Sargent Donavan's thoughts. Would you care to elaborate?-SH

If you're asking if were having a relationship behind your back, the answer is no, and NEVER! She shouts alternative hobbies at me every time I see her. Not that I listen….-JW

Are you jealous? ;)-JW

No, of course not!

Because that's convincing, it doesn't take you to work out you've forgotten to tag your text with 'SH' and have used an exclamation mark to exclaim your point…which you never do. ;)-JW

I'm impressed. You are learning. Although you're assumption is wrong. I simply thought that we could concoct a plan to unsettle her.-SH

Okay, whatever you say. I like it! What are you thinking of doing?-JW

I'm not quite sure yet. The plan is still in its early stages, although she seems quite atones to the idea of us being in eachothers company. This led me to plan around that particular idea. Have you any suggestions?-SH

That is very true, maybe. She fancies you? Or me…no definitely you. I dunno? Maybe we can gang against her? Or something.-JW

~3 HOURS LATER ~

Ha! That went well ;) Donavan's face when we got all domesticated!-JW

I agree, although I felt that finishing one another's sentences went a little too far…but her expression was in fact, priceless! Especially at the point when we were debating what to have for dinner.-SH

Hahaha! That taught her! No more hobby suggestions…maybe we should pretend to have an argument next time?-JW

'Showed' would be better lexis, John. Maybe, we'll have to see how much of an annoyance she becomes.-SH

Okay…are you just going to correct me all the time…orrr? And I'm sure that won't be long till she starts up again, she's probably thinking up a joint name for us now…-JW

Yes. Bad grammar irks me. Freaks? Or Domestic-freaks?-SH

Sherlohn? Johnlock?-JW

The latter.-SH

Chapter 5: Jealous John  
Part 5: Jealous John.

Has your wife text you yet?-JW

I have no idea who you are referring to. I am not in any sort of relationship with anyone I would deem 'wife', so therefore I do not have one. Do be serious. -SH

You know who I mean! No-Clothes-Andler…or do you already have a nick-name for her? She seems to be texting you a lot these past couple of days.-JW

Oh, and please change that bloody text tone! Or lower the volume….it's quite disturbing when I'm reading the paper and that god awful sound goes off.-JW

Do I detect a hint of jealousy? Changing the text tones of my phone is not very high on my list of priorities for today, John; funnily enough. You will have to deal with it until I proceed to get bored enough to change it.-SH

Whatever.-JW

Don't be so obtuse, John. I have no interest in Irene Adler nor will I ever, so please refrain from starting an argument and pass me the laptop.-SH

If you hadn't noticed, I'm out. Now, how can I possibly pass you the laptop?-JW

When did you go out?-SH

Quite a while ago, I did tell you but you were out of it…I'll be home soon. Just picking up some bits and bobs, anything you need?-JW

Oh. It's a Mind Palace, John, I'm not using recreational drugs. In terms of items of necessity, I do indeed need a few things. I'll write a list.-SH

Okay…-JW

Potassium Chloride, Zinc, Sulphate, Magnesium, Carbon Particles. A Bunsen Burner seeing as the current one has a hole in the tube. Gauze, cling film, tub-aware and some goggles. These are practically useless.-SH

Not much then…where am I supposed to buy these chemicals? And where is the money coming from?-JW

When I said 'a few things' I kinda meant a few things.-JW

There's a little shop on Delth Lane, the rest I'm sure you'll find quite easily. You did ask, so I answered, that's conversation etiquette.-SH

Alright, walking there now, wonder how much this will set me back.-JW

Stop complaining, John we get paid enough to cover all the costs plus a collection of other items, as well as food and board.-SH

I thought we were saving up to buy you a new laptop remember after you spilt that acid on it!-JW

It was corrosive liquid. Why can't I borrow yours?. It makes much more sense.-SH

Same thing, and because we both will want to use the laptop for different things and might need it at the same time.-JW

It's not the same, John. They are two very different chemicals. You are a doctor, you should know of some of them, although I do see your point with the laptop scenario, I think it's best if we acquire another. Il get Mycroft to purchase one; he always buys top of the range, in comparison yours is rather slow, and dated. -SH

Well if you feel that way about Berty then you won't want to use him anymore.-JW

Who is 'Berty'? If it is your pet-name for the laptop I am quite worried. It is an inanimate object, therefore requires no name as it have no thoughts or feelings.-SH

Yes, Berty is my laptop. Don't say that! You'll hurt his feelings ;) -JW

It's a piece of machinery!-SH

Don't call Berty names!-JW

If this is your attempt at humour, I find it odious. -SH

I find your un-funnyness 'odious'.-JW

'Un-funnyness' is not a term in the English dictionary, and it never will be. Humourless sincerity however fit s perfectly.-SH

I find your humourless sincerity 'odious'.-JW

I find your girlfriends to be odious.-SH

Oooh! Below the belt with that one!-JW

I do not understand how that phrase can be used in everyday interaction.-SH

Because it just is, and my girlfriends weren't that bad!-JW

Oh, they were.-SH

Were not.-JW

Considering you were 'dumped' by a vast percentage of them, your reasoning for speaking so highly of them is inept.-SH

Maybe I just don't kiss and tell.-JW

They were very boring.-SH

You find everyone boring!-JW

You are not boring.-SH

Thank you ;) -JW

Chapter 6: Kiss & Move Out  
Part 6: Kiss & Move out.

John, are you moving out?-SH

No! Why would I!?-JW

Isn't it obvious? Or are you just that oblivious? The exchange of saliva earlier today. At 5:15 precisely.-SH

You mean The Kiss, Sherlock. No I wouldn't move out because of that! Don't be so theatrical! It wasn't THAT bad.-JW

Okay. What does that mean? I find it hard to deduce facts when I feel emotions. This is why I try to ignore them a majority of the time.-SH

I means it's okay. I'm not gunna go made and move out, I promise. It's just I haven't thought it through yet, but Im definitely NOT moving out :) -JW

*I'm* We can talk it through tonight if you would like?-SH

Give me a couple of days to think it through. I've never, you know, been with a man before. Not that it's a bad thing! I just need to get my head around it is all :) -JW

That seems reasonable. I would like to apologise for my actions if they caused any misconceptions or problems. It just felt like the right thing to do at the time. My body betrayed my mind.-SH

You don't need to apologise, really! I kissed you back for god sake, it wasn't as if I didn't respond. If I objected to it that much I would have pushed you away the second it happened! So it's my fault too, I just hope this doesn't make it awkward between us.-JW

No. It wouldn't. I don't see the reason for awkwardness as we both are adults and have a job to do. Our personal thoughts and feelings can be set aside for cases as always.-SH

It never really works out like that though, does it? I just…I dunno, I'm confused and annoyed and guh…We'll talk about it tonight. I'll get the popcorn, you pick the movie?-JW

Don't worry John, all will be sorted by tonight, God choice, I couldn't possibly watch another episode of BlackAdder you have an obsession with. It's not even realistic. Why would we need popcorn?-SH

It's funny! Comedy isn't meant to be realistic Sherlock, it's supposed to be a parody with jokes and scripted humour! We need popcorn because it's a movie-must, it's associated with watching a film and it's something to eat whilst enjoying the show. It's practical, like if we get hungry and we don't want to miss a bit, we don't have to get up.-JW

I know the connotations of popcorn, John. I just didn't see the reason for having it. It's noisy and a distraction from the film. Whoever made the comparison is an idiot. If you were that worried about missing a section of the film, why not pause it? -SH

Because I can't be bothered. Okay, no popcorn, crisps will be noisy…what about biscuts? Or some chocolate covered pretzels! Or M&Ms?-JW

I am partial to M&M's. I especially have a fondness for the artificial blue coloured ones. In terms of biscuits depends what type you purchase and how long the packet has been subject to oxygen and carbon dioxide for.-SH

I'll just get a coupla bags of M&M's and a couple of cans. Any preference to beer?-JW

Budweiser.-SH

Okay, wouldn't have thought that, but okay. Cans or bottles?-JW

Bottles. Cans have far too many chemicals moulded in them. SH

Just gunna put this out there now. Can we not watch anything too serious? Or Science-ey.-JW

Once again with you coinage. I will take your suggestions and make a decision based on them and my own preferences.-SH

Thanks. -JW

Would NCIS be apt?-SH

Too science-ey!-JW

But it's got that woman in it you like! Abby? -SH

How on earth did you know that?-JW

Is that a yes?-SH

Yeah, alright, but try not to talk through the whole thing!-JW

I do not talk through the whole of the program, just a good proportion of it for good reason. The amount of errors made is astounding.-SH

Does your brain ever stop?-JW

No, but neither does yours. It is still working throughout sleep, causing a process called dreaming.-SH

Okay, sparky! See ya when I get home.-JW

Who is 'Sparky'? I do not understand that reference.-SH

Haha! Don't worry, I'll explain when I'm home.-JW

John, I think I broke the DVD player.-SH

Thanks for reading! If you have any suggestions as to topics of conversation or a theme...anything, I'm happy to write it! :D xXx

Chapter 7: Dont Mess With Sherlock, Anderson  
[Request from TrekkieL ...Thank you SO much for reading and reviewing!  
It means a lot! :D I hope you like it! xxxx]

Greg told me to inform you that he has located the victims camera. Why  
you wanted that in the first place is stupid. Its probably got some  
secret compartment, or whatever your freakishly weird mind comes up  
with. -A

Reply freak. Some of us have work to finish rather than texting you. -A

Oi, your really annoying me now. Weirdo. Wouldn't surprise me if you  
were looking up indecent images of kids online, you look like a  
paedophile. -A

I don't know how John puts up with you, he's probably using you like  
everyone else. There's no way in hell that he'd actually like you.  
Even when you introduce him as a friend he corrects you. Told you no  
one could like a psychopath like you. -A

He's probably after your money, or cheap accommodation. You look like  
the sort of mug to buy your friends. -A

Are you paying John? Ah, it all makes sense now. -A

Bet John's down the pub now taking the piss out of you and all your  
disgustingly weird habits. I know I would. But then again I wouldn't  
bother pretending to be your friend in the first place. You freak me  
out. -A

We've all warned John you know. He doesn't seem phased but we can see  
that look in his eyes, like he's considering it, wouldn't put anything  
past you. When John realises your a phoney he'll be dead like the rest  
of the people you've killed to show off -A

You are really sad. You must be sick in the head. We all know you are  
the one that's don't the killing when you tell us all them stupid  
facts at the crime scene. You can't possible know all of that. Were  
waiting for you to slip up. When you do, we all can't wait to take you  
down.-A

Hopefully they bring back the death penalty in time so I can watch you  
suffer. Freak. -A

Are you taking drugs? You are a disgusting drug addict, I don't know  
why the police liaise with you. They all think ur abnormal, you know.  
When you leave we all talk about you and how freakish you are. We just  
use you, your like out little pet we set loose on crime scenes so we  
don't have to do all the work. -A

FREAK!? -A

Are you dead in an alley after shooting up on Heroin or something? If  
I was to find you dead I'd probably have a party -A

*John watches as Sherlock leaves the room for a second, he wouldn't  
tell him why but his phone was going off every five seconds and  
Sherlock wasn't replying. Curiosity got the better of him and he  
grabbed the phone off of the sofa's arm and read the texts. He felt  
sick, his eyes were watering at the hurtful words, but more than  
anything he was angry. No one talked to Sherlock like that*

*John hits the REPLY button*

You listen here you piss poor excuse for a man. Sherlock Holmes is the  
most intelligent, recourseful, enigmatic, brilliant, amazing,  
beautiful man I have EVER know! He helps you lot out, spends his time  
researching and tracking down killers, putting his fucking LIFE at  
risk! For what!? For you to text him abusive messages. I know he  
hasn't replied, but that's Sherlock for you. He is too good for  
trivial arguments via text, especially with YOU of all people. You  
make me SICK. Don't think Lestrade is not going to find out about this  
because I plan on showing him EVERYTHING! And believe me when I say  
you'll be lucky to be employed once were done with you. Okay, Sherlock  
isn't the most nicest of people, but that's because he doesn't like  
letting people in, he fears they will hurt him like you have, call him  
'freak' and bully him like the shit he got growing up. Well I'm not  
taking it anymore. I won't put up with your shit any longer. Know  
this. You even so much as look at him in the wrong way EVER again, you  
mark my words, you will be wishing you were never born when I am  
finished with you. I used to be a soldier. Don't think for one second  
that I would hesitate! And NO, Sherlock isn't paying me, you stupid  
idiot, I am his FRIEND obviously you wouldn't know what that was  
because you've never had any. Just because people pretend to be your  
friends and use it to get a promotion doesn't mean you can take it out  
on Sherlock. He is worth a hundred, no a thousand of you, you will  
NEVER be anywhere are good as Sherlock. Sherlock is stunning, and I  
know your jealous of his looks too because you are a vile scrawny  
little man, but that is also no reason to be so horrible to him! He  
has feelings you know! He is still HUMAN, and I hate to see him hurt.  
He's just misunderstood, and if you just took a SECOND to really get  
to know him, to actually LISTEN to him you would see he is the most  
amazing man you could ever meet. He is a great friend; he is funny and  
loyal and protective, everything a friend should be and MORE! So don't  
you DARE FUCKING CALL HIM NAMES, or so help me god I will make your  
life a misery. He is my BEST FRIEND and you will never have the  
pleasure of knowing him or how special he is. You Anderson, DISGUST  
ME.  
YOU.  
REPEL.  
ME. -JW [Sherlock's Best Friend]

Thanks again TrekkieL 3

Chapter 8: Coherently Drunk Is Not A Contradiction  
Part 8: Coherently Drunk.

Thank you to everyone that is reading this! I appreciate it! Suggestions are always welcome :D xx

Shwluckkkkkk

John, is that you? -SH

Offs curse eyyyyttt is!

Are you intoxicated? Of course you are, your out with Gregory again. -SH

Greggy ess on flooooor hahaha!

Shall I come and pick you up before you do something you regret? -SH

No rehrettsssssssss! Maye av landedd inn womunss chestttt hahahaja

I'm sure the woman wasn't very pleased with you, I'm guessing you are supporting a red face from a hard slap, am I right? -SH

Maybeeeeeeeeee

What pub are you located in? -SH

Dunoon Sherlllly

How can you not know! Look around, there must be a sign! -SH

Euuuuum aske GRUG!

Ask Greg then. I would text him but I'm sure you can hold your alcohol much better than him. At least you're somewhat coherent. -SH

Hey sud HELLOWWWWW!

No, ask him what pub you are in. -SH

Ohhh! Surrrry! Where Surrey? I HUD friends culd Sully!

For gods sake John! WHERE ARE YOU!? -SH

Pub stupd

Yes, I know you are in a pub. We have established that fact. What pub are you in exactly? The Bull? Mystic Falls Arms? Bar 10? -SH

Eut hus drinkkk in!

All pubs have 'drink' or alcohol in them John, hence the title 'pub'. For the last time, what pub? -SH

Toradorrrrr! Oleyyyyyy! Hehehe ;)))

I'll take that as The Bull then? -SH

UR CLEVEREERRRRR

It wasn't a hard deduction John. Although it would have helped if you told me 15 minutes ago. -SH

Wur r yu?

I'm on my way John. I will arrive in approximately 12 minutes depending on traffic and incompetent drivers. -SH

Don't move! -SH

Stilll ass a statuette! Hahaha! ASSSSSSSSSSSS

You are definatley past the limit of conchious intoxication. I'm surprised your still standing, or haven't blacked out yet. -SH

Hardest mannnn innit!

Right. Where is Gregory? -SH

4

4? -SH

Flur dummy!

The floor? -SH

Yus!

Joy. Nearly there. -SH

Dint comer in

Why not? I need to get you home.-SH

I Lyke hum

So do I. I'd feel much better with you in it, preferable not blind drunk. -SH

Um n8t blind!

It's a phrase John. -SH

Ohhhhh! Quckk Grugg wake

Gregory's waking? Ask him to message me on your phone as to why he let you get in this state in the first place! -SH

Ufgmz. Gjkkhvghbcc vbnmkkigfgbg

I assume Gregory is not functioning at the moment. Type on his behalf John. -SH

He huggin meh lug! Gut him offfffffff!

He's hugging your leg? What a peculiar action. Stay like that, I would like to photograph that when I get there for future usage. -SH

Evilllllllllllll mowhahajakaksks

Yes, John. I am entering The Bull now. -SH

Jawnnnnnnn!

Shurlllyyyy

I ful syke

Stop texting me now John. Put your phone in your pocket, I'm telling the cabbie to wait. -SH

Kk frunddd

Bist frundddddddd

Thank you. I see you. -SH

FUND MEYYYYYYY!

Dont repeat this, but You are an adorable drunk. -SH

Chapter 9: Eggs Benedict,  
Part 9: Eggs Benedict.

Can you get some eggs whilst your out? -JW

I'm busy John. I don't have time to traipse about Supermarkets buying tedious necessities. -SH

You can't be that busy if your finding the time to text me...-JW

I'm multi-tasking John, I'm sure you've heard of it and I'm more than capable of doing it. -SH

Please just get me some eggs...I'll let you do experiments on the kitchen table for a week! -JW

Blackmailing will get you nowhere. -SH

Although I was planning to carry out some experiments regarding a current case, it would be more appropriate to conduct them in a proper science environment, and not the ridiculous excuse for a laboratory Molly is forced to work in. The conditions alone repel me. -SH

So that's a yes? -JW

Yes, I will purchase your eggs in turn for you to allow me uninterrupted acres to the kitchen for experimentation without your constant raising of voice levels and expressions of distaste. -SH

A simple 'Yes' would have sufficed. -JW

What type of eggs do you require? -SH

Free Range. 6 pack. Cheapest you can find. -JW

That is a contradiction in itself. You cannot find 'cheap' free range eggs. They are more expensive than other cheaper brands because they are free range. -SH

Just buy the damn eggs! And try not to crack them on your way home, it'll be both a waste of your time and money. -JW

Correction. YOUR money. I forgot to mention I borrowed your wallet this morning. -SH

You did what!? -JW

The picture you keep of you and your sister as an infant is quite cute. -SH

I'm sorry did you just say 'cute'! -JW

I am not cute! -JW

'Was not cute'. Do not confuse your tenses John, it's primary school literacy. Yes I did use that exact term of endearment to distract you from the fact that I stole your wallet, it bleary worked. -SH

Well that was pointless seeing as you've just reminded me of that fact! What did you take my wallet for? -JW

I believe that is quite obvious John. -SH

To you maybe. You can have borrowed it for money, your minted! -JW

I have a vast amount of money sent from my pretentious family, yes, but I do not like accepting hand outs. It's below me. So yes, I borrowed some money from your wallet. I intended to return it after being payed for solving this painfully easy case before you noticed. -SH

You could have just asked to borrow it Sherlock. You know I'd let you! He'll I've even borrowed money from you before! -JW

I am aware John, you paid back in full regardless of my protests. If I asked you for money I would then be technically accepting a hand-out; which I wanted to avoid in the first place. -SH

Not necessarily, you know I'd never think any different of you for it! I like to think you'd rather take the money from me than from your brother. -JW

Thank you, John. Yes I would rather be in your debt than Mycroft's. Naturally. -SH

Just if you need the money, by all means take it, but please let me know just encase I wonder If my money has grown legs and walked away...or I'm going mad! -JW

By assuming that your money has materialised legs, you would still be mad. -SH

You know what I mean! Have you got the eggs yet? -JW

Yes. What are you intending to concoct with the eggs may I ask? -SH

Eggs Benedict! My favourite! –JW

Thanks again for reading & reviewing! If you have a suggestion for a chapter please let me know! :D

Chapter 10: Follow You Home  
Part 10: Follow You Home.

*This one goes out to TrekkieL! This was entirely her idea; and a great one at that! Hope this brightens your day :) *

(Re-uploaded due to typos! Sorry about that!)

Sherlock, I think I'm being followed. -JW

Don't be preposterous, John. Who would have reason to follow you? -SH

I dunno but I just have this bad feeling, you know? -JW

No. I would not know. A feeling is hardly grounds for assumptions John. -SH

I guess your right. I'm probably being paranoid. -JW

Might be due to the grounds of our job. Your faced with many theories on how victims meet their end, your mind is not used to working in this way. Therefore making your senses heightened out of fear or your desire to find answers; the best way of which is letting yourself experience it first hand. -SH

Sherlock, I swear I just saw someone. They were there one minute, gone the second I turned round. I didn't get a good look. I'm not being paranoid! I'm sure of it! -JW

I'm busy now John. Please refrain from producing anymore ridiculous theories and messaging them to me. You are not being followed. It's your imagination. Its craving for danger thus inventing it's own. -SH

Whatever. I'll see you at home. If I'm not kidnapped by then! -JW

I'll see you at home then. Minus the kidnapping; that would be a tiresome ordeal. -SH

I'm glad you care so much about my well-being. I'm flattered. -JW

Please refrain from entering one of your 'moods', John. I cannot concentrate on the task at hand whilst knowing you are giving me daggers. -SH

How do you know I'm in one of these 'moods'!? You might just be taking my texts out of context, seeing as you can't actually hear my voice! -JW

I just know. Go home and get some sleep. You must be tired. -SH

You get some sleep! -JW

I am not paranoid! -JW

~3 hours later~

Solved the case. An 8 at most. Anderson was his delightful self, I had to remind myself that violence is not the answer countless times. On my way to Baker Street now -SH

I assume your sleeping. I apologise for the interruption. -SH

*Sherlock enters the flat, calls out for John but gets no answer*

I wasn't aware that you had plans. I would have liked to have been informed of such. I could have purchased a Chinese on my journey home. I assumed you were cooking. -SH

John, where are you? You usually reply within 2-3 minutes upon receiving a text. It annoys you otherwise. -SH

Are you on a date? You haven't mentioned anything along those lines, you usually bore me with the details for hours. -SH

~An Hour Later~

John. It is of paramount importance that you reply to this message. -SH

[Outgoing call to John Watson]

* VOICEMAIL*  
"Hi! You've reached Watson. I am busy at the moment but if you leave a message i will get back to you as soon as I can. If you have a medical question contact the doctors surgery, if its a case, try talking to Sherlock Holmes."

*BEEP*

[Call Disconnected]

"Dammit John!"

[Outgoing call to John Watson]

[Call Dissconnected]

[Outgoing call to John Watson]

[Call Dissconnected]

ANSWER YOUR PHONE! -SH

[Outgoing call to John Watson]

[Call Dissconnected]

If this is one of those terrible pranks of yours, trying to prove me wrong, I'm informing you that I will not fall for such a monotonous act of childishness. -SH

[Outgoing call to John Watson]

[Call Dissconnected]

I'm worried. Please call me. -SH

Or text me. Whatever you prefer. -SH

[Outgoing call to John Watson]

[Call Dissconnected]

I wish I listened to you. I often do when it's too late. I'm sorry. -SH

Lestrade I need your help. John is not replying to any of my texts or calls and I have no idea of his whereabouts. Before he disappeared he expressed his worries of being watched/stalked. I dismissed this stupidly. Please get in touch as soon as possible. -SH

Jesus! Okay, rounding some officers now for the search. Sorry, mate. Don't worry, we'll find John and he'll be fine. -GL

I highly doubt that. -SH

My tech team are watching CCTV footage of John turning onto Baker Street, he looks very skittish, you know, like turning round every 5 seconds to see if someones there. He stopped at an alley opening to check his phone and we can make out a pair of hands grabbing him backwards and a bag being put over his head. We are trying to find him now. -GL

Anderson. I know we do not get along, but John is missing and I would appreciate your help in searching for him. If you could gather the rest of the Forensic Team and coerce them into helping I would be grateful. -SH

If I must. -A

This doesn't mean I like you. Just because I'm helping you. Greg is offering double pay. -A

Thank you. -SH

Sherlock are you coming down the station to see the footage? -GL

Of course I am! I'm not going to sit here twiddling my thumbs whilst John is missing and possibly being tortured or being put in distress! -SH

Sorry, yeah of course. I'm sure John can handle himself, he used to be in the army! -GL

He was an army DOCTOR for Christ sakes! Not a soldier! -SH

You know as well as I do that they wouldn't send medical officers in the field without basic defence training! -GL

I hope he's okay. I need him to be okay. -SH

John, Please be okay. -SH

I'll never do experiments in the kitchen, (the flat even) again if you tell me something, anything. I need to hear your voice. -SH

I'll do the washing up and cook for a month -SH

I'll even store body parts in a separate container so you don't moan about it contaminating food. -SH

I'll give you your wallet back -SH

I'll buy you a new wallet-SH

I'll buy you an obscene amount of jumpers, tea, and jam! -SH

I'm coming to get you John. Just hold on a moment longer. I'm coming. -SH

I think I understand how it feels to be emotionally attached to someone now. This feeling Is horrible. I want it to go away. I need you safe for it to subside. You are my only friend. I've never told you how much your friendship means to me before, but I can't loose you. -SH

~8 hours of hard searching by both Scotland Yard and Mycroft's contacts later...~

The doctors won't let me in! Do something! -SH

I can't, being a doctor doesn't give you a special visitors pass or whatever! -JW

Please. I need to see you. -SH

You've seen me. I'm fine! I promise, once they check me over you can come in. Wont be long now :) -JW

That doesn't assure me in the slightest. You have been gravely injured before and exclaimed that you were in fact 'fine'. -SH

Well I'm telling the truth now, and you'll be able to see that once the bloody doctor shows up! -JW

The receptionist is threatening to have me escorted off of the premises. -SH

You always were impatient. I would sneak out and see you but my legs a little swollen. -JW

What!? I thought you said you were fine! You promised! -SH

I AM FINE! I just have soft tissue damage because of the chain cuff things that were around my ankle. -JW

When I finally get to see you; which will probably be in 10 minutes via the window opposite your bed if this incorrigible excuse for a medical professional doesn't make an appearance, I will personally ban you from uttering the word 'fine' in my presence. After assessing your condition first of course. -SH

Sherlock, I am a doctor, and I'm telling you I am fine. It could have been much worse. I got away lightly. -JW

Right. That's it. I'm coming in through the window. I am telling you in advance encase you have developed acute paranoia after such a traumatic event. -SH

It wasn't traumatic! I invaded Afghanistan! That's far more traumatic! -JW

See you in 5 ;) -SH

Did you just send me a winkey face? -JW

Yes, Doctor Watson, I do believe I did. Now keep a watch out. I will be making an appearance shortly. -SH

You impatient idiot! -JW

You enigma. –SH

As always, thanks for reading! Suggestions welcome :D

Chapter 11: Breaking The Same Old Ground  
Part 11:Breaking The Same Old Ground.

Continuation from the previous chapter 'Follow You Home'. although can be read as a stand alone piece.

How is John? -MH

Fine. Thank you for your services Mycroft. The police are incompetent beyond belief. -SH

I am aware, dear brother. I am glad John is in good health, he keeps you tolerable. -MH

John does not affect my behaviour, although I dread to think how it would be affected if he wasn't found in time. -SH

You care for him a great deal. He must be something special. -MH

He is indeed. -SH

Maybe you should find out how he feels about you. You clearly have affection for him. -MH

I am not discussing my private life with you, brother. I'm sure you'll find a cause to use it against me. -SH

Oh, so your relationship is more than platonic? Interesting. -MH

I refuse to speak to you about such a matter. -SH

I'll ask John. -MH

You will do nothing of the sort! He is in recovery from a terrible ruckus, he needs time. I ask you not to bother him at this point. -SH

You have my word. Rest assured once he's healed I will ask him a series of questions in payment for my resources used. -MH

I was wondering when you would collect. -SH

Oh, I could have gained repayment in a variety of creative ways, this was by far the most productive. For my part. -MH

I'll educate John on the dire need of sarcastic replies when dealing with my beloved brother. -SH

Oh, please do. It will make my visit much more entertaining, although in sure John proves very entertaining to you behind closed doors. -MH

I will not justify that with an answer. -SH

I guess I should inform Mummy that you are no longer a virgin. She will be very pleased. Expect an invite for her to inspect your partner. -MH

I am not in a relationship with John Watson! -SH

There was me thinking you had relinquished that terrible nick-name I was accustomed too. -MH

I am terribly sorry I disappointed you. You know how much I love to have your approval on everything I do. -SH

Sarcasm doesn't suit you brother. Although you state that you and John are merely friends, your defensive nature to the declarative proves otherwise. I'd go as far as to say you want to be involved with him, but your emotions won't allow it. -MH

The day I come to you for relationship advice, Mycroft, will be the day I have finally lost my mind. -SH

So you do not deny my assumption then. -MH

This conversation is becoming pointless. You will not gain the answers you seek so you may as well seize your attempts. -SH

John says 'Hello'. -MH

I hate you. -SH

The feeling is mutual, I assure you. -MH

Can you tell your bloody brother to stop sending cars to wheel me around to his beck and call! I was on my way home for a lie down for gods sake! I have to be up at stupid-o-clock for work tomorrow! -JW

I apologise on my brothers behalf as I assure you that he would never do such a thing. Mycroft was never one to take suggestions lightly. I have had a word; what little that will do. -SH

If you think you are attending work tomorrow you are mistaken. -SH

Who are you, my mother!? -JW

No, I am your friend, and I care a great deal about your health. Please consider taking a weeks paid leave in light of recent unfortunate events. -SH

Well, when you put it like that...sleeping for a week straight is very appealing right now. -JW

Thank you. Although if you slept for a whole week straight I would assume you have slipped into a coma. -SH

Haha! If that's your attempt at humour your improving! -JW

I'm glad you approve. -SH

Since when did you care about anyone's opinions? Especially mine. -JW

Since now. -SH

Thanks for reading! Suggestions welcome as always :D

Chapter 12: Shop Of Horrors  
Part 12: Shop Of Horrors.

Have we got tea bags? -JW

How should I know? You prepare the tea, John. -SH

Well, can you have a look in the cupboard? -JW

I'm thinking. -SH

Well think and walk at the same time and have a look if we've got any tea bags left would ya. -JW

In a minute. -SH

No, now please. I'm in tesco staring at the tea. Have been for ten minutes waiting for you to get up off your arse! -JW

Alright! Alright, walking to the cupboard now...very slowly. -SH

Shoulda known you'd not just do anything the easy way. It'd okay, I'll wait, down the tea isle like a mad-man for another twenty minutes. Not like the staff are staring at me thinking I'm gunna steal anything or nothing. -JW

What cupboard is it? -SH

Top one on the left -JW

My left or your left? -SH

Your just being silly now! YOUR LEFT! -JW

What's your idea of 'top'? -SH

JUST CHECK THR BLOODY CUPBOARD! -JW

Opening the door now...whilst thinking. -SH

Well could you open the door a little faster. The supermarket will be shut by the time you grace me with an answer. -JW

Don't be obtuse, John. Tesco's is open 24 hrs. -SH

So...have we got any tea or not!? -JW

We have one tea bag left; which I am currently consuming. -SH

Since when do you make your own tea! -JW

Since I know it annoys you greatly that I'm drinking the last one. -SH

You twat. -JW

I wasn't aware I had any female genitalia. -SH

Har-bloody-har. -JW

I assume your buying tea then? -SH

You assume right. -JW

Try not to have a row with the chip-n-pin machine again. It's unbecoming. -SH

Plus were out of tea. -SH

Also low on Jam. -SH

Well why couldn't you bloody well tell me that before I'd paid by that dreadful machiney-thingy! -JW

You use the term 'bloody' far too often. -SH

Well thank you for your concern mother. -JW

That's quite alright, John-Dear. Remember to put clean underwear on every day! No excuses! -SH

Well that was just weird... -JW

Are you eating properly? You better be eating well or I'll be forced to feed you like a baby for a month! -SH

That's too good. My mum actually says that! -JW

I know. -SH

How do you know? I've never talked about my mum! -JW

Because your mother is in our residence. -SH

WHAT!? -JW

You know how I hate to repeat myself. -SH

What's my mum doing there!? -JW

Maybe you should come home and find out. She keeps trying to force feed me jam sandwiches. Hence the low stock of jam in the cupboard. -SH

Should I be worried? -SH

No, it's just my mums way of saying your far too skinny and she's trying to fatten you up! -JW

Please hurry home. She's decided to cook for us and is raiding our fridge as we speak. -SH

DONT LET HER SEE THE BODY PARTS! -JW

Too late. -SH

I think your mother in unconscious. –SH

Thanks again for reading and reviewing! I appreciate it :)

Suggestions Welcome xx

Chapter 13: User Friendly  
Part 13: User Friendly.

For TrekkieL; my lovely reader and muse for this chapter! Gotta love worried!Sherlock. 

Sherlock, won't be back from work till late, got so much paperwork to do I could swim in it! Oh the perks of being a GP! There was an accident with one of the stubborn elderly patients and Sarah, not to worry though. Be home about 10 at the latest. Don't wait up. -JW

[Message Sending Failed]  
Facility Rejected

*John is unaware that the text has failed to send. He places the phone back in his desk draw on silent and proceeds to tackle a mountain of paperwork.*

Are you on your way home? If so could you bring a pen. -SH

I wasn't aware you worked late on Thursdays. -SH

Are you staying to help a certain doctor? (Goes by the name of Sarah) -SH

I'm surprised she is still talking to you after being kidnapped, tied to a chair, and nearly killed by a gang of Chinese Mafia members. -SH

Reply A.S.A.P. I really need that pen. -SH

~Hour Later~

You can't tell me that you are still working. What a preposterous decision. You are not even bring compensated with overtime. -SH

What could be of great importance for a General Practitioner at work, at 10pm. Nothing, clearly. Come Home. -SH

I may have singed your favourite jumper. Just a tad. -SH

I will continue to burn said item if you do not return within the hour. Seriously, John. You work too hard. -SH

After the kidnapping debacle a few weeks ago I insisted that you turn your phone onto a more noticeable alert. You agreed, and change your settings to vibrate. I fail to believe you are not hearing these messages. Especially if your phone is on vibrate and is currently residing in your desk draw. The sound would be amplified. You must be going deaf. -SH

You promised you'd reply. -SH

Please reply. -SH

*Sherlock lay on the sofa in his navy silken night-coat. Phone clutched unnecessarily hard against his chest. A deep frown masking his face.*

You are one of the most frustrating people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. -SH

I am making my way to your place of work. Prepare to be on the receiving end of a rant by a concerned friend. -SH.

*Sherlock arrives supporting his night wear quite embarrassingly. He demands to see John at reception, which is not quick enough for him so he stomps his way to John's office, slamming the door open*

"Jesus Christ, Sherlock! You could have just knocked! I might have been with a patenting!" John exclaimed.

"In a compromising position, no doubt" Sherlock mumbled.

"What?"

"Answer me this, if you will. What is the sole purpose of having a phone?" Sherlock replied seething.

"well I thought that would be pretty obvious." John replied sighing. He really needed to get this paperwork finished.

"Humour me." Sherlock said expressionless.

"To contact people; family, friends, and the occasional high functioning sociopath. you know."

"Do not joke, John. I am not in the mood."

"And what's got you all riled up at this time a night, barging through doctors office doors in your night-coat?" John asked, it couldn't be a case.

Sherlock looked down at his clothes. "Oh" he uttered, he had forgotten to change before leaving the flat.

"You know, whatever this is for, you could have just phoned me...or text."

"That's funny, John. Well done. Only...the thing is...IVE BEEN TEXTING AND CALLING YOU FOR THE PAST FOUR HOURS AND GOT NO REPLY! Are you that DEAF that you couldn't hear your phone alerting you of numerous un-read messages!" Sherlock bellowed. He was never one to cause a scene, especially in John's place of work, but the meet stupidity of the man was astounding.

John stared at Sherlock in shock. After a while he broke eye contact and opened the draw, pulling out his phone and reading the screen. He found an eccentric number of un-opened messages flashing in front of him.

"Oh, sorry, must of put my phone on silent by mistake. Force of habit you see, didn't want to be disturbed when doing paperwork."

"Your sorry...what exactly are you apologising got John..." At this Sherlock strode across the room, stopping just before John's desk and hauling him out of his chair; bringing him upright and face to face with a seemingly angry Sherlock Holmes.

"Erm" John muttered, looking deep into Sherlock eyes.

Sherlock proceeded to talk, much quieter than before. "Your sorry for not checking your phone and making your friend worry unnecessarily. Your sorry for not sticking to your promise and answering every text I send you after you got kidnapped last week. Your sorry for making me run all the way over here in my night clothes just to see if your okay. Just to see you haven't been taken from me again. To put my mind a rest."

"I'm sorry Sherlock, really, I didn't mean to make you worry like that. I was so tied up in my work that I forgot about my phone. I did text you though. I told you if be late and not YO wait up. Didn't you read it?" John said softly, breaking out of Sherlock's hold to get the outbid open to prove himself.

"I received no such message. If I did I wouldn't be here now, causing a scene at your works" Sherlock spat.

"Damn it! This bloody phone is useless! The message didn't send, Christ knows why, look...I did send it, at least I thought it sent" John explained showing the phone to Sherlock.

"Your phone is utter tripe. I insist on buying you another, that actually works."

"Oh, no, no, no, this ones fine. It just didn't have ant service or something, really, I'll double check next time I send a message...that it actually sends!" John smiled.

"I am not taking no for an answer. You shouldn't have to double check, it's a waste of time. What if you were captured and had one chance to send a message for help and it failed? It's ridiculous John."

"Thanks for the offer, but really, my phones fine!"

"You fail to realise how stubborn I am."

"Oh I know that! Stubborn as anything you are! But I can't let you waste your money on something which I've already got, I'd feel bad."

"Don't be dramatic, it's only a hundred, and if it puts my mind at ease knowing your phone actually works then it is indeed priceless."

"Sherlock-"

"John"

"Don't give me that look!"

"what 'look'? I am unaware that I am portraying one"

"Well you are, and it's your I-Will-Not-Take-No-For-An-Answer-Look"

"Well I can't see it can I!?"

"I'm sorry I made you worry." John says sheepishly.

"I would say it's alright, but I don't think my heart could take it on a daily basis."

"Lucky I'm a doctor then."

"Quite".

"Shall we go home? I'm sure the rest of the paperwork can wait till tomorrow morning".

"Let's."

John and Sherlock turn to leave when Sherlock stops abruptly and faces John.

"May I have your phone for a second"

"Yeah...why?"

Sherlock grabs the heavy desk tidy and proceeds to smash John's phone to smithereens.

"SHERLOCK! WHAT THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU DOING! THAT MY BLOODY PHONE YOU IDIOT!"

"Now, would you like me to buy you a new phone? Seeing as this one has clearly been damaged beyond repair".

"I hate you sometimes. You know that?"

"Would the iPhone 4S suffice?".

Thanks for reading!

Suggestions welcome! :D

Chapter 14: For The Love Of Jam  
Part 14: For The Love Of Jam.

Another one for TrekkieL! Her prompts are THE BEST! :D

Sherlockkkkk, you know you owe me for spilling acid on my jumper? -JW

Yes, I am aware. -SH

How do you feel about pets? -JW

They require too much care and attention. -SH

Why do you ask? -SH

I've found a cute little stray cat...I named him Jammy, he's so fluffy and quiet, he won't be any trouble at all, I'll look after him! -JW

Jammy...really? -SH

Yeah! What's wrong with that? -JW

Nothing...I'm guessing your asking me if you can keep the feline in our flat?-SH

Yes...can we keep him? Pleaseeeee! -JE

We have hardly any room as it is, your low on money, and my experiments would be a terrible danger to a cat prowling round our flat unattended. -SH

I'll bring him home, as soon as you are him you'll fall in love with it I swear! -JW

I highly doubt that...-SH

You will! You'll see! It's SO cute Sherlockkkkkk! -JW

I believe your brief encounter with the abandoned kitten has turned your brain to mush. -SH

His names Jammy! -JW

I wish I could see you cooing over that cat right now. It would be rather amusing. -SH

So does that mean I can bring Jammy home? -JW

Yes, but that does not mean we are necessarily keeping him. -SH

Okay, see you at home. Jammy says bye-byeeee! -JW

John, you are becoming increasingly adorable. -SH

You wait till you see -Kins! -JW

Can hardly wait. -SH

Chapter 15: Rumour Has It  
Part 15: Rumour Has It.

Tell Sherlock to answer his phone will ya! I've been calling him for hours. -GL

Sorry mate! I was in the shower. I usually check his phone when he's fiddling with chemicals and that. I'll get him to phone you as soon as he's willing :/ -JW

Thanks John. I bet he's murder to live with. -GL

Ah, he's alright. Can be a bit stubborn and is messy as hell (you should see the amount of stuff he's got!) but he's interesting, you know. -JW

I find what he does to be amazing sometimes, but he's just so...I dunno, full of energy, and half the time you can't understand a thing he says! -GL

Oh, I know that! You should hear him when he's watching Jeremy Kyle. Jesus. It's only a TV program but he gets so into it and points out everything that's wrong. Just never put him in front of a TV! -JW

Haha! Now that sounds annoying! Do you get any peace? -GL

When he's in his 'mind palace', yeah. But it worries me sometimes. He doesn't talk for hours on end, doesn't even move! I have to check his pulse just to tell myself he's still alive! -JW

Bit weird that mind thingy. Dunno how he does it. -GL

Mm, it's weird but really amazing. I guess we'll never know! -JW

My theory is that he's an alien ;) -GL

Ha! That would fit perfectly! Especially with the whole hard-drive brain thing. -JW

"I come to deduce you" but he most defiantly does not come in peace! -GL

That's for sure! -JW

Wonder why he hates Anderson so much? Maybe he's a fellow alien from their enemy race! -GL

Haha! I think we're taking this a bit far! Mm, dunno though. Doesn't everyone hate Anderson? -JW

Everyone except Donavan. -GL

Yeah, that's cos she's sleeping with him. -JW

Thanks for the imagery. I'm scarred for life. -GL

Oh! That's nothing compared to the stuff you see in this flat! Body parts in the fridge, eye balls in my jam, found a finger in the kettle once...Christ knows why! -JW

Rather you than me! You must be a saint! -GL

Nah, I just like shouting at him. Good anger management ;) -JW

I bet he loves that, he's shouted at on a daily basis, there's not a moment where someone isn't telling him to piss off! -GL

Ahw, he's just mis-understood sometimes, but most of the time he's just inconsiderate. -JW

Careful, John! Wouldn't wanna fuel the rumours about you two ;) -GL

Ahh! They're a load of bollox, I ain't shagging Sherlock! -JW

Yeah, yeah ;) we all know what happens behind closed doors! -GL

Ha! Noooooo! Seriously. We're just good mates is all...if that's what you call it. He solves crimes, I blog about it and we happen to flat-share. Just practical really, plus I haven't got much money with my army pension so I had to get a been lending me a few quid. He's an alright bloke really. -JW

Yeah, and after a day of knowing each other you already moved in together and Sherlock brought you to a crime scene. He doesn't let in any old person, you know? He adores those crime scenes. You must have made a good impression ;) -GL

Nah, he's just never really had a good friend is all, people just use him for his mind or tell him to piss off cos he's weirding them out. All he needed is for someone to appreciate him. Coulda been anyone. -JW

Doubt that! If I complimented him he'd avoid me for weeks, or say something to role me up. He loves it when people get angry at him! -GL

Oooooh, is someone jealous? ;) -JW

Hahaahah! NO WAY! You can have him! I'm just saying your different is all, he trusts you. He LIKES you, you just can't see it...unless you two are shagging like rabbits and bullshitting me? -GL

For the last time. THERE IS NOTHING GOINF ON BETWEEN ME AND SHERLOCK! -JW

Yeah, but that don't mean you don't want it to ;) we've all seen the looks you give him, hell he stares at you intently when you ain't looking...it's freaky! You may as well fuck already! -GL

Erm...no! He's a good friend, and I don't know what is do without him. When I came back from Afghan civilian life was boring, Sherlock changed that and I'm grateful is all.-JW

Are you sure your not together? You seem to adore each other. -GL

We do...in a friendly way. Nothing more. -JW

If you say so...not that it'll stop The Yard gossiping about it though! -GL

Sherlock's out of the shower now, I'll get him to phone you when he's ready :) -JW

Stop staring! -GL

Huh? -JW

At Sherlock, post-shower ;) -GL

Do you want me to persuade him to phone you or not? -JW

Sorry mate! -GL

That's what I thought ;) -JW

Thanks for reading! :D

Chapter 16: Fill My Little World Right Up  
Chapter 16: Fill My Little World Right Up.

That thing you were wiling to do for me today. Thank you. -SH

That's alright, what are friends for when murdering psychopaths decide they wanna play games with flatmates! -JW

The wrath of the friend is much greater than the wrath of the enemy. -SH

Basically, yeah! Haha! -JW

I don't know what I would have done if he ignited the bomb strapped to you. -SH

You woulda saved me, like you did with all the others. -JW

What if I couldn't. What if you died. -SH

But I didn't. -JW

But what if you did. -SH

Then I wouldn't blame you, I know you would have done everything in your power to save me. It just wasn't enough. I'd forgive you. -JW

I wouldn't be able to live knowing that I couldn't save my only true friend. -SH

Well you'd have to, or if come back as a ghost and make ur life a misery ;) -JW

It would already be full of misery without you in it. That wouldn't change things in the slightest. Although, at least I'd get to see you again. -SH

Your telling me you can see ghosts now? -JW

No, but I'm sure if you had unfinished business with me, you'd be visible to me. -SH

You believe in ghosts? Really? You. Believing in ghosts. -JW

I didn't say I believed, John. I simply said that if you did cross back over the veil after your passing, and things happened that I couldn't explain, well, then everything left must be true. -SH

Your bonkers! -JW

Worse things have been said. -SH

Well they were all untrue. They were just jealous they don't have your gift. -JW

I'd call it more of a curse. -SH

Gift, curse, whatever it is. It makes you, you and brought us together. You can knock that. -JW

I suppose you can't. -SH

Anyways, what do you want for tea tonight? -JW

You. -SH

Har-bloody-har. -JW

That burger you made me last week was delicious. -SH

What the one you got all over your face? ) -JW

Maybe you could help me this time. Clean me up. -SH

With your tongue. -SH

Your mouth is exquisite. -SH

Woah, what's got into you! -JW

You, hopefully. -SH

Theres no rush. You know I'm fine with waiting. -JW

I know, but after what happened today, I just don't want to waste time. -SH

Sherlock, I'm not gunna keel over any second. I promise. Let's just take it slow, this is your first time, I don't want to rush you. Your special to me. -JW

I am aware John, and I inform you that I obviously don't care. I want you. I shall have you. -SH

Possessive much? -JW

How can I not be with someone like you? -SH

Is that your attempt at romance? I think you should stick to the body parts in the fridge. -JW

Your eyes are like the ocean, warm and inviting. Never ending pools of light, caressing you to no end. Travelling over your body, no place left un touched. Pure beauty, pure bliss. -SH

Jesus. Your a poet as well. That was...well, that was beautiful. Don't tell anyone I said that! -JW

The same goes for you. I would never hear the end of the matter from Anderson. -SH

Are you cheating on me with Anderson!? -JW

If I did, I'd have to be blind as well as stupid. He is incorrigible. Whereas you are bearable. You can stay. -SH

I can stay can I? bloody cheek. -JW

I think you'll have to share my room tonight, John. Seeing as I'm moving Anderson in -the love of my life. -SH

Hahaha! Anything to get me into your bed ;) -JW

Rest assured. I'd stop at nothing. -SH

I'll call Anderson then, tell him to bring his stuff over. -JW

If that's what it takes to get you to lie with me. -SH

You'd seriously put up with Anderson 24/7 just to get me to sleep with you!? That is dedication. -JW

Who said anything about living with him. I said move in, at which point, we would move out. -SH

You sly man! -JW

Do you want a demonstration of how sly I can be? -SH

As long as it's a personal demonstration. A very personal demonstration at that. -JW

Oh, it will be. -SH

I'm waiting. -JW

Open your door. -SH

It's open. Come right in. -JW

You really shouldn't have said that. -SH

Why not? -JW

You'll be wishing there was a door between us once I lay my hands on you. -SH

I doubt that. No amount of pleasure is too much. I can hardly wait ;) -JW

You asked for it. -SH

Indeed I did. Now get your arse in my room this second! -JW

As you wish. -SH

Thanks for reading! Sorry if it was a bit out of character for Sherlock, I was trying to make him sassy!

Chapter 17: Sherly You Can't Be Jealous  
Part 17: Sherly you cant be jealous.

This fic was inspired by LadyKBlack, we all love Jealous!Sherlock ;)

Who was that you were talking to? -SH

Jenny, why? -JW

It looked...intimate. -SH

Oh come off it Sherlock! You know I'm with you! -JW

Didn't stop you flirting though, did it? -SH

I was NOT flirting with her! Yes, she may have been battering her eye lids at me but I wasn't responding. It was harmless. You know if never cheat on you. -JW

'Sides, no one can reach the standards you've made ;) -JW

That still doesn't put my mind to rest. -SH

Now she's biting her lip. Could she make it any less obvious that she wants to ravish you. -SH

Do you want me to walk up to you. Grab you by the lapels of your coat and snog your face off in front of the whole of Scotland Yard? -JW

No, that would be unprofessional. -SH

You'd like it though. I can tell. -JW

Tell her to stop licking her lips, she's gravely mistaken if she thinks your going to kiss her anytime soon. -SH

She can get her tits out for all I care, I won't take notice. I'm with you. -JW

You'd obviously take notice if she got her breasts out right in front of you. I know you better that you know yourself.-SH

I'd much rather be thinking about your gorgeous arse. Or mouth. -JW

Why think about it when you can have them if you would just STOP FLIRTING! -SH

I'm not! She lost her balance and fell into me! What was I supposed to do, let her fall to the ground and whack her head on the pavement. -JW

Yes. -SH

Well I couldn't do that! -JW

If I'd would stop the looks she's giving you now, I'd much rather her be unconscious. -SH

Your being stupid. I'm with you, you know that, the whole of bloody Scotland Yard knows that! -JW

Clearly she doesn't, or just doesn't care. -SH

She's not that ignorant. -JW

So now your defending her!? -SH

No, I'm just saying she's stubborn. Don't get jealous over nothing, Sherlock.-JW

I am not jealous! -SH

Right, so that's why your giving her daggers then? -JW

No, that's just because Anderson is making seemingly annoying jokes about the state of our relationship. -SH

Well, I give you permission to hit him. -JW

I'd much rather hit her. -SH

Well you can't, because one; she's a woman. Two she's hasn't provoked you, and three I'd be angry. -JW

Oh, but she has provoked me. -SH

And how exactly has she done that? -JW

By flirting with my possessions. -SH

Oh, so I'm your possession now? -JW

You didn't get the memo? I'm sure I made that fairly obvious making claim to you last night. -SH

Oh, I remember vividly. Maybe a repeat performance is in order? -JW

They'll be no repeat of last night if you don't remove her hand from your arm right this second. -SH

How do you propose I do that without being rude? -JW

She's stroking you, John. Like a dog. -SH

I'd much rather you were stroking me. -JW

That can be arranged if you get away from that annoying shop assistant now! -SH

How did you know she's a shop assistant? She could be a manager? Or a supervisor? -JW

She's completely thick John, hence why she's flirting you you; terribly I might add. She obviously can't comprehend that when someone puts their arm around another person and touches them intimately in public that they are together. -SH

Oh, no. I think she knows. I just don't think she cares. -JW

Please move away from her. -SH

I will when she's given me her version of events, it's for the case, nothing more. -JW

She's taking her time. Is she really that thick that she can't remember what happened only moments ago? -SH

Oh for gods sake! I know your jealous Sherlock but she's in shock, it's taking her a whole to get her thoughts together. -JW

No. She's perfectly alright. She's a shop assistant, she's obviously been held at gun point at one point in her life, hence why she is so calm now. Seriously, John. She's having you on. -SH

Well why don't you come over and interview her yourself if she's annoying you that much? -JW

Maybe I will. -SH

I don't see you moving. -JW

I'm still giving the crime scene a one over, I have two possible explanations. -SH

Well why don't you come over here and ask Jenny what one it is? -JW

Jenny is a boring name. -SH

You're only saying that because she's flirting with me, now get your pretty little arse over here and save me from this terrible woman! -JW

I though you liked her? Tut tut. -SH

I was only playing along to make you jealous. I like it when you get all possessive. -JW

I don't need telling twice. -SH

Apparently you do... -JW

Thanks for reading! :D

Chapter 18: Family Matters  
18: Family Matters.

Okay, so the idea for this fic is going to be a two-parter! First part...

Sherlock my sisters coming round soon, so I was wondering if you would put sone clothes on. It's not that I don't appreciate the view, Its just I don't want her to think we've been at it right before she walks through the door. -JW

If I must. -SH

Thank you, I'll make it up to you later ;) -JW

Would you like me to relocate whilst she's visiting? -SH

No! Why? -JW

She might take it as a bit of a shock that her brother is now gay and living with Sherlock Holmes, the psychopath from the papers... -SH

Since when do you care what other people think about us? -JW

It's not just 'people' though, is it? It's your sister. She's family. Let her get used to the idea of us first is what I'm suggesting. -SH

Yeah, I guess. You sure you don't mind? I'm all for you staying if you want to, it's just when you put it like that it might be a bit much to take in all at once. -JW

Of course I do not mind, John! I suggested it. -SH

Alright then, you off to Bart's labs then, pestering poor Molly. -JW

I hardly pester her, John. If anything it's the other way around. She's constantly staring at me, I'm not sure what for. Do I look peculiar? -SH

Haha! Of course you don't! You look bloody gorgeous, she's probably swooning over you good looks and sharp cheekbones ;) -JW

Thank you for the compliments John, but I highly doubt that. -SH

You're too modest! That's ur problem, you are bloody hot! -JW

The same goes for you Mr. Watson. You look particularly handsome today if I might add. -SH

Go on, get out before I am forced to take you here and now, and risk my sister walking in on us. -JW

That doesn't sound like a bad idea. -SH

Of course it won't to you! -JW

I'm sure your sister has seen you naked more than once in your life, John. -SH

Yeah, but us at it on the sofa while she's walking in doesn's do me any favours! -JW

I suppose your right. I will be on my way now, I expect you to fill me in on the details on my arrival later. -SH

Okay, see you when you come downstairs, your not leaving without a goodbye kiss! -JW

I was not going to, I assure you. -SH

Good! -JW

~~~~~~~~~~~~~3 Hours Later~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My sisters gone, its safe to come home now. -JW

Thank you for informing me. I am leaving the lab now, should be 14 minutes until I arrive home. -SH

Okay, missed you. -JW

I missed you too Jonathan. -SH

You know I hate it when you call me that! My names JOHN! no abbreviation, nothing. Just. John. -JW

Okay...Jonathan. -SH

You wait till you get home! -JW

What did your sister want? -SH

Changing the subject I see. Nah, she was telling me all about how she's back with Clara after five years, she couldn't stay away. Apparently she still loves her and couldn't bare to see her with anyone else...which brings me to the next thing she told me...Clara was pregnant and gave birth to a baby Girl. Apparently she's Bi now, but the father left her and I guess Harry is her safe bet. -JW

Oh. That's certainly news-worthy. So is your sister rekindling her relationship with her ex-girlfriend? How does she feel about the fact that shes got a daughter? -SH

Well, Harry's always liked kids, I mean I bet she's over the moon to finally have one with Clara, but she's jealous that she couldn't be part of it. They'd always planned to have one by a surrogate father of their choice but they broke up and well, now it seems their back together. -JW

That is to be expected. Although If your sister is anything like you, she wouldn't hold a grudge against her. You just accept it and move on. The best way, I might add. -SH

Why thank you. I can tell you and your brother take the same approach...-JW

Its different. In our family there is no such thing as 'forgive and forget', there Is only revenge; it's more intellectual. -SH

Ah well, if that's how you've done it all these years and ain't killed each other yet, I can't fault you. -JW

Exactly. -SH

So, my sister asked if we could have little Ava for the day, just until they get the flat sorted. They're moving in together you see and can't afford to pay a baby sitter. -JW

Can't your parents offer assistance? -SH

Not really...they think Harry's stupid for going back to. They told her that Clara is only using her because she can't cope on her own, but Clara would never do that. -JW

Do we have to? You know how I feel about infants, and our flat is hardly child-proof. -SH

It's okay if you don't want to help, but I'll have to do it, I've agreed now. I'll keep Ava out of your way I promise. -JW

If you must, but please don't let it touch my experiments. -SH

'It' has a name, Sherlock! And yeah i know, I'll keep her far away from them, don't worry. -JW

Thank you. -SH

S'alright. Well I'm going to pick Ava up from school in an hour, so I'm gunna tidy the flat before I go, try not to blow the place up when I'm gone. -JW

I'll try John, but I can't make any promises...I mean if it stops an infant from contaminating the household with germs and clutter then I might accidentally use a gun powder solution in my latest experiment. -SH

You wouldn't dare! -JW

Don't underestimate me John. -SH

Oh, I never do. I just know that your under my thumb and what I say goes in this relationship. -JW

You think you wear the metaphorical trousers? -SH

Of course ;) -JW

You assume correctly...sir. -SH

God! Don't do that! I've gotta go to the school in 45 minutes! -JW

It'll only take you 19 minutes to child-proof the flat. I wonder what you will do with the remaining 26 minutes? -SH

Oh, I dunno... I'm sure you'll think of something. -JW

I have something in mind, a few things actually. -SH

24 minutes...-JW

Doors open. -JW

Thanks for reading!

The second part of this storyline is gunna be uploaded first thing tomorrow :D

Once again, thank you for all your lovely reviews! I really do appreciate them; TrekkieL & LadyKBlack and every other beautiful future-reviwers.

If you have a suggestion let me know! :) xx

Chapter 19: The Purple Shirt Of Sex  
Part 19: The Purple Shirt Of Sex

Okay, so this is part 2 of this storyline (John/Sherlock looking after Harry's girlfriend Clara's baby. The fic after this one will be a totally different idea all together :)

John it's crying. Make it stop. -SH

How the bloody he'll am I supposed to do that, I'm in the supermarket buying supplies. -JW

I don't understand why I couldn't have gone. -SH

Because you always get the wrong things and come back with a bag full of sciencey-things and not actual food. -JW

Its still crying. Hurry back. -SH

Pick Ava up then! Hold her in your arms; support her head and rock her back to sleep. -JW

Do I have to? -SH

If you want the crying to stop, yeah. Unless her nappy needs changing? Does she smell? Or she's hungry, there's a bottle on the side, warm it up, check that its not to hot on the inside of your wrist then feed her. Make sure you tilt her head at an upwards angle and take it away every few minutes because she'll breath through her nose but still not get enough oxygen. After make sure you put a tea-towel over your shoulder and place Ava upright and pat her back to burp her. -JW

Id much rather you do it, ill probably do it wrong. -SH

You have never done nothing wrong in your life Sherlock, just try. Be home soon. At the check out now. -JW

How do you know so much about babies? -SH

I am a doctor remember? Plus I used to look after my sister when she was young. -JW

It's just been sick on me. Whilst smiling. Devious thing. -SH

She doesn't know what devious means, let alone be old enough to be it. She didn't mean to, she has no control over her body. She's a baby. -JW

I was talking at the age of 3...-SH

Now why doesn't that surprise me I bet you were a delightful child. -JW

Certainly not. I could tell when Nanny had been having relations with the gardener, whilst supposedly being in 'love' with the cook. It's fair to say they used to despise me. -SH

Ahw, you were just showing off to make them like you, you didn't know any different. I think it's adorable, although you must have known about sex at a very early age...which is disturbing. -JW

I was not anything along the lines of 'adorable' I assure you. Sex is all part of science, John. Of course I knew, I just didn't care for it. -SH

I'm guessing your views have changed now though? -JW

Of course. Upon meeting you I have seen the positives of being intimately involved. There's quite a list. -SH

Maybe I'll show you a few tomorrow when Ava's gone back to her mummy's. -JW

I think you should, after all, I still need a little persuading. -SH

Of course you do! so what's Ava up to now? -JW

She's laughing and making gurgling noises, laying on our bed whilst I change my shirt. -SH

Good, good. What shirt you putting on? -JW

The purple one, why? -SH

No! Don't put that one on! -JW

Why on earth not? -SH

Because...It's The-Purple-Shirt-Of-Sex! -JW

I don't recall naming my shirts, or you naming them for that matter. -SH

I haven't, just that one. -JW

May I enquire as to why you have given an inanimate possession of mine a name? -SH

It's silly really. -JW

Well I'm intrigued now, I demand to know. -SH

Well since you demanded not so nicely at all...it's just because you look so gorgeous in it, I can't stop myself from warning to touch you when your wearing it. It just suits you so well and hugs you in all the right places. Your like walking porn. -JW

How can your sexual desires towards me heighten all because of a mundane shirt in a particular colour? -SH

It just does...it's not that you don't look hot all the time, cos believe me you do...it's just that shirt really does it for me. When your wearing it that is, I don't find the shirt in any way attractive. I'm not one of those mutters that are in love with tables and that.-JW

Interesting. -SH

So will you change the shirt? -JW

No. -SH

Well now your being bloody difficult! -JW

Call it a challenge. An experiment if you will. -SH

I call it Change-The-Bloody-Shirt-Now-Before-I-Do-Something- Really-Stupid-And-Irresponsible-With-A-Baby-In-The -House! -JW

It can't be that much of a imposition. -SH

It's not an imposition at all, I love it when you wear it, just not when I have my niece in the house, I'll never forgive myself. -JW

Sex is a normal thing John. Everyone indulges in it. Your sister and her partner are probably performing it right now. -SH

Eurgh! I dont want to think about my sister having sex thank you very much! -JW

I didn't ask you to visualise it. -SH

You didn't need to, you mentioned it and my brain automatically thought of it. -JW

Then in that case you need to train your brain further, John. -SH

Right, erm, I'm just walking up to the flat now to relieve you of your Uncle duties. -JW

Thank heavens! Now I can carry on with my mould specimen and toxicology report on the murder last night. -SH

I'm sure Lestrade hires people to do that...-JW

He does, but they're all idiots. -SH

Naturally. -JW

Thanks for reading :)

Chapter 20: Hey Cruel World  
Part 20: Hey Cruel World...

Wow, I can't believe I've got to twenty! Don't worry I'm still continuing to update this! :)

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL YOUR SUPPORT!

A special thank you too TrekkieL, LadyKBlack, and alorawitch. (and two Guests) I LOVE YOU GUYS TO PIECES! XXX

A/N: Before you start reading, I'd like to add that if you are confused as to what John & Sherlock are texting about, this is it...

John and Sherlock were in a restaurant yesterday having dinner as a couple whilst talking about a case. John was confused as to how the victim died because the marks on the deceased's neck were two faint to be put down as strangulation. So Sherlock demonstrated how this could have been done over a period of time opposed to just squeezing the neck outright, and how more torturous it would be that way.

Because Sherlock had completed numerous amount of high profile cases; with John's help that is, they attracted some unwanted media attention. Paparazzi followed them trying to get a picture to sell and obviously took a photo at the wrong time when Sherlock's hand was around John's throat, and the press will be the press. The next day they wake up to said picture being front page news with the titte 'Trouble In Para-Vice'.

John I think you need to take at look at the front of today's paper. -SH

Why? -JW

Just look, please. -SH

Oh. Well that's unfortunate timing. -JW

Quite. Excellent photography skills though, they have the settings mostly correct, although they didn't allow for enough time to focus on the subject. Most paparazzi have the same problem. -SH

Sherlock, I don't think you realise what this is saying about our relationship. They think I'm one of those battered wives that never speak out! Its bad enough they know were more than the average flat mates, and now this! -JW

I haven't the slightest clue why it bothers you so. -SH

Because Sherlock, 1. It's bad for business, people don't necessarily want to go to someone for help when they know they're an abuser, and 2. I don't want everyone thinking you hurt me! It's belittling, not to mention shameful. My parents read that paper, so does my sister, and all our friends. Mrs. Hudson will be bombarded with reporters sniffing for a story. All because those twats decide to take a photo of you pretending to strangle me in a restaurant! -JW

It was for a case. I was clearly showing you the cause was obviously asphyxiation due to strangling the victims neck over a period of time. Anyone not half-idiot or impotent can see that. -SH

You seem to be forgetting your the only genius in London! -JW

Other peoples stupidity is not my problem. Neither can we change their views on the matter. They've clearly made up their mind as to what to pass off as true. No one believes tabloid tales anyway. -SH

Well the picture says it all doesn't it. Jesus. Why couldn't you take a small case this week. All this unwanted media attention is going to be the death of us, -JW

The death of you. I do not care for hear-say. -SH

Well you better start cos we are gunna get so much shit for this. Everyones going to be on eggs shells around the both of us, especially you. They're gunna give me sympathetic looks and you daggers. Were going to get abuse shouted at us...well mainly you. -JW

It'll blow over. -SH

'Trouble in Para-Vice' is hardly going to be one of those headlines that's going to be forgotten. -JW

It's terrible. I'm sure they thought of that in no time at all, they obviously don't have the intellectual ability for something more adequate. -SH

This isn't a joke Sherlock! -JW

Oh shit! -JW

What on earth is it? -SH

My sister just text me, telling me she's here for me, and that she's coming to get my stuff after she's gets off work. I'm apparently moving in with her and Clara. She's made it quite clear I have no choice in the matter. -JW

Of for god sake! You can't be serious! -SH

Oh great, Greg's offered me his sofa...-JW

Don't give in to them John, they know us, they can't believe it. Don't even think about leaving you'll fuel the tale. -SH

Oh! Donavan's give me the number for an abuse help-line. That'll come in handy when you walk out the door this evening to the cruel world. -JW

I believe that's a different sense of the word 'abuse'. -SH

52 messages Sherlock. 52. In the space of 10 minutes. I feel sick. -JW

I'm sorry. -SH

This isn't your fault! It's that bloody reporter and photographer! God, id love to get my hands on them! Make their lives hell! -JW

Mycroft is coercing them to print a retraction. -SH

And how longs that gunna take! You should read half of these messages Sherlock, and the comments on the blog, they're people who've been in the same situation. It's heartbreaking. -JW

You were never in the situation to begin with. -SH

I know. We need to handle this Sherlock. Carefully. People are gunna be watching everything we do, every look, every touch, the distance between us. The amount of photographers trying to get a good picture to sell is gunna be ridiculous! -JW

We could stay in the flat. No pictures. No stories. It would die down eventually. -SH

No. They'll make up something like your keeping me here against my own will, stopping me from speaking out. We've got to knock this head on. -JW

I suppose you are right. Mycroft is seeking legal advice. -SH

Tell him thanks, he doesn't believe it does he? -JW

I'm not entirely sure. I hope not. -SH

But he's your brother! -JW

Yes, and he doesn't know me as well as he's like to, he's always thought I was weird, and he hasn't any previous relationship data to cross reference this to. -SH

Your brother would never think this of you! I'm texting him right now! -JW

No don't, he will probably think I'm putting you up to it, it's too much of a coincidence. Receiving a text regarding legal advice and the supposed victim clearing his abusers name. -SH

Your not an abuser and I'm not a victim! Just promise me you won't do anything rash? -JW

I promise to consult with you first before attacking both the paparazzi and the interfering reporter. I can't agree to not attacking my brother though, If he becomes...angry. -SH

Thank you. Right I'm ringing round the close family and friends telling them the truth, whether they believe it or not is another story. -JW

Oh, I can just see it now...Anderson's expose on me, "I always knew he was a weird one, he used to verbally abusive me at work for years, broke my nose by slamming a door in my face once...nasty piece of work he is". Why wouldnt he, money in exchange for the most imaginitive lies he could come up with in such short time, all down to the fact that he has the IQ of a fish. -SH

Thanks for your continued support by reading, I appreciate it! :D

Chapter 21: The Jammie To My Dodger,  
Part 21: The Jammie To My Dodger,

Drunk!John is making another appearance )

Jammei Dodgrs R jammeyy

Out with Gregory again I see. -SH

Dud you knowe they hve JAMM in em?

I am we'll aware that a Jammie Dodger consists of both jam and biscuit, hence the title 'JAMmie Dodgers' Although I presume it is a substance that is dissimilar to jam in some aspects. -SH

I lyke jam.

I know, John. You have told me on numerous occasions. -SH

Itz niiiiiiice

I am partial to Jam, especially in those jam sandwiches you prepare for me in the mornings. -SH

Vury jammmi

Indeed. Now what are you and Gregory planning on doing tonight? No drunken walks to the park causing disturbances I hope? After all Lestrade is an officer of the law. -SH

Etin jam

Is Greg joining you on eating said jam? -SH

Duno

Well why don't you ask him. If he declines, you can always come home, I'll even make you some jam sandwiches if you would like. -SH

Thanksssss

So, are you coming home? -SH

In munite Geeg chatt with LadieBoyy hehehehe

I'm guessing he isn't aware that the supposed woman he is talking to has male genitalia.-SH

Nupe. Hehehe

I am wondering how you got hold of this jam you are speaking of, and the Jammie Dodgers, you don't seem co-ordinated enough to purchase them yourself. -SH

Ting Tong gut thems for mey

Who is 'Ting-Tong' may I ask? -SH

Diamundddds frund!

Is Diamond, by any chance, Ting-Tong's friend? -SH

Yus! How dedid you knuw?

It is quite obvious, John. Although I do wonder who you socialise with on your monthly night outs with Gregory. Also what premises you vacate on them. -SH

Itssss au myseuryyy!

I'm sure I could deduce that when you arrive home from receipts, the price of your taxi home, types of drinks you have consumed, how you have dressed ect. Or I could simply ask Greg. -SH

U rr geniusssseus

No, John. Just simply paying attention. -SH

Ouh uhhhhho

Has Greg realised that the ominous Ting-Tong is infant a male? -SH

Noi hes dusppeard

Oh. What a shame. Will you make your way home now? Would you like me to meet you outside the pub doors or can you make it to Baker Street in one piece? -SH

Ned 2 find Grug

I'm sure Greg is fine. If you are that worried we can search for him together once I arrive. Rest assured a less intoxicated party could easily find him much quicker. -SH

I'm nut bladduredd!

I believe you are. You cannot even type coherently, it's fair to say I'm having a challenging time decoding it. -SH

Ur nott u jus sayed that 2 annuy me

Are you making your way east, out into the fresh air? -SH

Huw dud you knuw it waz est?

Because you are obviously in The Shippinn. -SH

Evrytungs obvius 2uu

The fact that you told me your plans before you left the flat proved very helpful. -SH

Ohyer

Are you outside now John? -SH

Starz are nuce

They are indeed. Such small but beautiful combustions of plasma held by gravity in the night sky. They are in fact quite large close up, they just seem small because of the distance between them and the earth. The sun is one big star. -SH

Thught u dident know abuot the solar systm?

I know of stars, John. They fascinated me as a child. I owned a very expensive antique telescope, which Mycroft decided to break as part of a idiotic brotherly feud. -SH

Um sorry

Oh, it's quite alright. It was old anyway, the newer editions are far more practical. Besides, I returned the favour by completely destroying his train set. He sulked for weeks. -SH

Harrhaaaaa!

I found it quite humorous too at the time. Before Mummy scolded me. Mycroft was always the favourite child. -SH

That sad same wid mey n Hurry

I assume you took Harry's place as the favoured one after she informed your parents of her sexuality. I assumed your parents were old fashioned in terms of values. -SH

Nah tey came rund in thre end

That is good to hear. I have never understood why people feel the need to outcast others due to their sexual orientation. -SH

Mmm sleepey

I'll be there soon, John. Stay concious though, I wouldn't like to think of the dangers of not being alert in pure darkness outside a pub whilst being complacently drunk. -SH

Waz solder can hundl it

You was an army doctor, there is a difference. -SH

Thanks for reading! :D

If you've suggested an idea for a fic, I'm updating them later today :)

Chapter 22: Under Mycroft's Umbrella-Ella-Ella-Eh-Eh  
Part 22: Under Mycrofts Umbrella-Ella-Ella-eh-eh-eh.

Suggested by alorawitch so thanks! :D

Brother dear, have you seen my umbrella?. I seem to have misplaced it upon leaving your flat yesterday. -MH

No, Mycroft I haven't. It isn't like you to misplace objects in your possession. It seems you are getting old, or dementia, preferable the first. -SH

That is why this sudden disappearance is so bothersome. I do not simply loose belongings. Do you see what I'm getting at here Sherlock?-MH

Well, if your suggesting that John has stolen it, you are quite mistaken. Why would he feel the need to steal such an invaluable and irrelevant object. -SH

I am not suggesting that John was involved, although I can't say the same for you. -MH

Oh, I assure you I haven't touched your god forsaken umbrella. I have my own. Why would I waste my time and effort stealing such a thing. You are undoubtably wrong, brother. -SH

We'll see. -MH

We shall. -SH

Mycroft is on to us as I foretold. -SH

Damn it! It's only been missing a day, can't he really go that long without that stupid umbrella? -JW

It seems not. Although I fail to see what his attachment is to said object. -SH

Me either, he has it with him everywhere he goes. Weird. -MH

Oh my brother is much more peculiar than that. I won't go in to details or you might not sleep tonight John. -SH

Well in that case I don't wanna know. -JW

This situation is most humorous. The mere thought of my brother searching high and low for an umbrella of all things. No doubt he has his men looking to, they must think his mad. -SH

We are gunna give it back though? Ain't we? You know, place it in plain site just to make him think he's gone off his rocker. -JW

Of course. Let him search a while first. It's the only exercise he's had in years. -SH

Mycroft isn't fat! -JW

No, but it riles him up if you say so. -SH

That's evil! -JW

It was your idea to steal the umbrella in the first place might I add. -SH

Yeah because he was being a tit. Do you know how annoying it is to go out and him to meddle with the bloody cash point just so I can get in that black car of his, tosser. -JW

I can tell how much I frustrates you. -SH

Although it was your idea to steal something of his, I just suggested that bloody umbrella because he's always got it on him. -JW

Yes, because he was being annoying. Maybe we should have stolen something more inconspicuous? -SH

Like lestrade? when you pick pocket his badge? And nah, the umbrellas funnier! -JW

Quite, but my brother is far more of a pain. -SH

I bet he was he'll growing up with, all that sibling rivalry. -JW

Oh yes, believe me they were challenging times. -SH

Your brothers texting me know about the stupid umbrella! I can't stop laughing! -JW

I am aware, I can hear you all the way in the next room. -SH

Sorry...but it's hilarious! -JW

No, it's...fine. -SH

He wants me to have the place upside down to look for it in case you've hidden it somewhere. I agreed just to make him wait for a reply about his precious umbrella! -JW

We are cruel, but Mycroft deserves it. He's lucky we did not take his key code for The Whitehouse, that would have given us hours of menacing. -SH

Nah, we're considerate thieves. -JW

Is there such a thing? -SH

Of course! Us! We've changed the whole perception of the stealing business. -JW

It's hardly a business, John. -SH

It is now, and were the ringleaders ;) -JW

You seem to be forgetting we have only stolen one item. -SH

Maybe we should make this a regular thing with people that annoy us? It'll make conversations funnier! -JW

Maybe. Although we'd need to make sure that it isn't too often as the subject might suspect. -SH

Well it's good I've got London's best pick-pocket with me then. -JW

Anyone can pick-pocket John, you just need to wait until a position arises where the subject is occupied, therefore not aware that you are stealing. It is all down to people's stupidity really. -SH

Right, so you were 'stupid' when that kid nicked your wallet last month? -JW

Of course not. I was just increasingly occupied with my mind palace I was unaware of the little bugger coming up to me. -SH

So your the exception to the rule, eh? -JW

Of course. I make the rules. -SH

A majority of people will disagree with that. -JW

Well they are incompetent. -SH

Right...-JW

Thanks for reading! :D

Chapter 23: Of Presents And Deductions  
Part 23: Of Presents and Deductions.

A big thank you to TrekkieL, LadyKBlack, alorawitch, Arty Diane, TheWhoLockedSupernaturalist & everyone else who is reading this! :) xXx

Where are you? I've ordered Chinese. -SH

Down Regent Street trying to find Harry a birthday present. -JW

You have been out for a long time. -SH

Yes, cos I can't decide what to bloody buy! I keep going back and forth to shops, then changing my mind. -JW

What was the decision between? -SH

A bracelet that said 'sister' on it, a pair of new red shoes, or this handbag she's been rattling on about. Why? -JW

I can help you choose. What is her profession? -SH

She's a teacher...what's that got to do with choosing a gift? -JW

Well you'll want the gift to be practical I assume? -SH

Well, yes. -JW

How big is the handbag? -SH

Quite small really, what's the size of it gotta do with anything? -JW

Everything. If she's a teacher she will have to carry a fair amount of things on a daily basis; marked books, folders, text books, laptop, pens, ect. So a small handbag would not be very practical in her day-to-day life. The only time in which she would be able to use it is when she goes out on her days off, and even then women tend to bring a colossal amount of possessions out with them, so the bag is ruled out.

The bracelet is a good choice but then again you have to factor in if its gold or silver and if her jewellery that she wears regularly is of the same metal. Also if it will fit or how thin the chain is, as it might break easily in such a hectic job as a teacher. Their hands are constantly writing, so it will run against the desk scratching the metal. So then you have to factor in if it was cheap, in terms of wear and tear over a period of time.

The best bet is the shoes. Teachers like to look presentable even if the shoes aren't particularly practical. If she works in a secondary school she will want to be taller than her pupils; hence the heels. -SH

Oh, wow, thanks! That was bloody brilliant! I'm gunna go buy them now then, I know her size. -JW

Is the front of the shoe pointed or round? and how big is the heel? -SH

They are pointed and I'd say about a couple of inches? 4, maybe 5? -JW

Get a size up just encase. With pointed toe shoes they are quite tight around the instep, so you'd want to get a bigger size to prevent the toes from blistering with the compactness of the pressure being out on the front of the foot. -SH

I don't even want to know how you know that. -JW

Oh, it's science John. As well as the fact that I've brought shoes for Mummy a considerable amount of times, she is quite anal about her footwear. -SH

I can't believe you've just used the word 'anal' in a text about your mum...-JW

Don't be childish, John. It means to be precise. Precision is something you lack quite often in you blog updates. -SH

It's a blog, not the bible. It's not meant to be precise. -JW

A poor comparison. The Bible Is anything but precise. Think of how many times it has been re-written and translated, and how long ago it was foretold. The whole book is bound to be gospel, the original was lost years ago. -SH

Right, okay. I never thought I'd see the day where I got into a religious debate with Sherlock Holmes of all people. -JW

It is not a debate. I am merely correcting you. I can't help your lack of knowledge. -SH

We aren't all brain boxes like you, you know? -JW

Oh! Of course I'm aware of that on a daily basis! Silly really, all that brain power and still nothing. Did you know the average human only uses 40% of the brains full capacity. If people set their minds to it they could to be a likened to me. -SH

Scary thought that. -JW

How can you all use so little of your brain? It must be dull in your tiny minds, very boring. -SH

Nah, it's alright actually. Like now for instance, I'm thinking of how good that Chinese is gunna taste. God I'm starving! -JW

Funny. I'm thinking of the total cost of the takeaway, the estimate time of arrival based upon factors such as traffic, weather, specific items we've ordered that might take longer to cook than others. Also possible routes taken, as well as the symbolic markings on the wall from this new case. -SH

Sounds exhausting. -JW

Oh, it is. -SH

Thanks for reading! :D

Chapter 24: Dissociative  
Part 23: Dissociative

John please come home. -SH

No, Sherlock. Not after you insulted me in front of the whole of bloody Scotland Yard. -JW

I'm sorry. I was just angry at Anderson and projected that upon you. I apologise profusely, just come back to Baker Street. -SH

I can't. I'm sorry. Not tonight...I need time. -JW

Time? Time for what exactly? Where are you going to stay? -SH

Just to think things over. I'm staying at Sarah's if you must know. -JW

Yes. I am aware, you have clarified that fact, but to think about what in particular? -SH

Us. Today. Everything really. -JW

Why can't you do that in our flat? -SH

Because you will be there and just need to get away for a couple of days. I'm sorry Sherlock. -JW

That makes no sense. You can still think in our flat, I will not disturb you, I won't even talk to you if you feel that strongly about it. Just please come home. -SH

Why? What's the point? -JW

The point is that I miss you. -SH

You're only saying that so I come home, when I do you'll continue to annoy me and I'll end up leaving again. -JW

I am not. I assure you, John. The flat is too quiet without your presence. -SH

Then talk to Mrs. Hudson or something then. -JW

It is not the same as when I talk with you. You actually listen and comment, even praise me. Everyone else doesn't show the least bit of interest. -SH

So you want me to come home just to praise you? Nice to know I'm wanted. -JW

I didn't mean it in that sense, John. Yes I appreciate you praising me, It appeases me, but I also would like you to come home because you are my best friend and partner and your presence is calming. I can't explain it, I just want you-need you home. -SH

Thank you for being so open, but it changes nothing Sherlock. You still shouted at me, embarrassed me in front of all of my friend. OUR friends. You belittled me, have you any idea how that makes me feel? I just can't do this right now. -JW

I do not see what difference a day will make. -SH

Exactly. So just let me be for one day and we can talk tomorrow. -JW

Promise me that you are not going to leave me. I need confirmation. -SH

This isn't a business deal Sherlock! It's our bloody lives. God. -JW

I apologise. What I meant is I need to know where I stand. I value you too much for you to leave me now John. I could not cope. -SH

Don't blackmail me, make out me to be the bad guy! just stop. Please. -JW

I was suggesting nothing of the sort. Stop what exactly, John? How on earth can I diminish doing something when I haven't a clue as to what it is? -SH

You're doing it again. Making me out to be stupid. Please Sherlock just stop texting me until tomorrow. I need some space. -JW

You obviously still want to make contact otherwise you would have seized messaging a while ago. Or just not replied at all. -SH

Don't be a smart arse, I'm not in the mood. -JW

So my hypothesis was correct? -SH

No, leave me alone. -JW

But I need you. -SH

Tough. -JW

Please. -SH

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~2 hours later~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I dispose the silence. It is far too quiet without your presence in the flat. -SH

How do I go about preparing tea? -SH

You always make it taste perfect. When I try it ends up tasting vile. -SH

Where do you keep those biscuits you know I like? -SH

I'm hungry. -SH

Mrs. Hudson misses you. -SH

The Skull misses you. -SH

I miss you. -SH

Please come back. -SH

Please? -SH

At least call me. I think I at least deserve thar much. -SH

I apologise once again, that was selfish of me. -SH

I miss you terribly. -SH

I think I may have broken your laptop. -SH

This is getting tedious now. Please reply. -SH

I can't occupy my mind long enough to prevent my thoughts from travelling back to you. I am useless without you. I see that now. I see the error of my ways. Just please. I need to feel you. See you. Smell you. -SH

I would never have pictured it being this painful to be away from you. -SH

I feel like a part of me is missing. I know that sounds awfully cliche but it is true. I find it to be odious. I want it to cease. I need you to come home. -SH

Please. -SH

John? -SH

[Incoming call]

call declined

Answer. -SH

[incoming call]

call declined

Please. -SH

[incoming call]

"Hello?"

"Finally you've answered! I've been calling you for hours, John. Hours."

"Any reason why? Or just wake me up at stupid o clock at night."

"You were not asleep, John. You do not sound the least bit tired."

"So you called to be condescending. Nothing new there then."

"No you just happened to lie to me."

"Sherlock, can you make this quick cos Sarah's sleeping."

"Right. Of course."

"Sooooo?"

"I just wanted to hear your voice."

"Well you've heard it now..."

"I know."

"Look, I'm sorry I'm sounding so pissy right now, I'm just not in the best of moods."

"I can tell...no-sorry, I didn't mean it to come across like that."

"So how did you bloody mean it then? In a nice way, funny that."

"Just-just delete it."

"I'm not a computer Sherlock."

"You're right. I'm sorry."

"Stop apologising."

"Sor-okay"

"I still love you okay, don't doubt that, I just need time."

"I know."

"Right. Okay. I'm going now."

"Okay."

"Bye."

"No! Wait!"

"What now? I've got to get up for work tomorrow."

"I am aware, just-just. You promise to call?"

"Yes Sherlock."

"Okay, bye."

"Bye."

Part 2 will be up soon! :D

Chapter 25: Rekindle  
Part 24: Rekindle.

A/N: Sorry I've only uploaded once, I am nearing the end of my course and have duck loads of work to do...joy :/ Anyway, here's the second part of Dissociative, enjoy!

Once again, thank you to my lovely readers/reviewers who rock my world!...TrekkieL, LadyKBlack, alorawitch, Arty Diane, TheWhoLockedSupernaturalist, & ronneygirl! :D

ronneygirl- Youre suggestion will be written and posted later today :) thanks!

Would it be possible for me to call you today? -SH

Of course you can u daft git! I told u that u could yesterday! -JW

You sound...different. More vibrant. -SH

Yeah, cos I've realised what a tit I've been. Not that you haven't  
been a tit too mind you. -JW

What exactly is your definition for 'tit'? -SH

A Twat, and not the female body part kind, A div, a complete and utter  
idiot. -JW

I have been all of those things towards you yesterday, I am sure. -SH

Maybe not all of them...I could never call you an idiot. It just  
wouldn't make sense. -JW

So you're coming home? -SH

Yes! Why wouldn't I? -JW

Because you seem more jubilant since you have been away from me. Its  
rather confusing. -SH

Only because I've had time to think away from all your science  
experiments burning holes in my table and body parts in the fridge,  
and I've come to the conclusion I wouldn't have it any other way. -JW

That seems a contradiction of sorts.-SH

No, I just realised that by loving you, I have to embrace all of you.  
I knew what you was like when we started the relationship. Its just  
you. And everything else seems just...boring now. Without you. -JW

'Were' past tense, John. That seems a stupid sacrifice to make. -SH

No, not really. I rather like it. Being with you had changed my  
perspective on things, and watching you just-its bloody amazing, and I  
wouldn't give that up for anyone. Ill even take your constant  
corrections.-JW

I suppose I should say thank you. No one has ever stayed long enough  
to say that to me before. I drove them away.-SH

Well that were all idiots. -JW

And you're not? -SH

Har-bloody-har! -JW

I thought I'd insert some humour into the conversation. It has taken a  
serious turn. -SH

Well, thanks for that. I've just got some things to do and then ill be home. -JW

Can you not do them after?-SH

I suppose I could. For you.-JW

Actually...go ahead and do your chores. -SH

Why...? The place isn't a tip is it?-JW

Well...what do you call as a 'tip'? -SH

Sherlock! I've literally been gone a day! How on earth have you done  
that much damage that you don't want me to see it!? -JW

Quite easily actually. -SH

That's not the answer I was hoping for. -JW

I'm clearing it up. -SH

At least that's something, I guess. -JW

On a scale of 1 to 10, how angry would you be if I placed all items in  
one bin without sorting through them first so that they are in their  
supposedly allocated waste disposal appliance? -SH

Very. I'd never hear the end of it from the dustman. And I'd have to  
pay a fine! -JW

Well that is pointless. -SH

Just leave it. I'll do it when I get home. -JW

Okay. Thank you. By the way, I just thought I'd inform you, there are  
several new holes in the wall. -SH

Oh for gods sake! You can pay Mrs. Hudson for it this time! -JW

I shall. -SH

Good. -JW

John?-SH

Yes...?-JW

I may have turned one of your beige jumpers green. -SH

How on earth did you get round to doing that? -JW

I was conducting an experiment in fibre pigmentation and may have  
forgotten I had the substance on my clothes. My head was elsewhere. I  
then proceeded to hold one of your jumpers as it smelt like you, and  
fell asleep. When I awoke your jumper was an alarming shade of green.  
-SH

Ahw, well, I can forgive you for that seeing as its the most adorable  
thing I've ever heard. -JW

It was not 'adorable'. -SH

It was...-JW

Was not.-SH

WAS! -JW

Was not in the slightest.-SH

Was! Infinity! Ha! -JW

Fine. I'll let you win...this time.-SH

Don't I feel special ;) -JW

Chapter 26: Over-Analytical Is Critical  
Part 26: Over-Analytical Is Critical.

A/N: This fic was suggested by ronneygirl …thanks! :)

John, what are you watching? -SH

A Slasher-Movie, why? -JW

I can hear the screams all the way in my room. -SH

Really? well, the walls are thin. I'll turn it down, sorry if i woke you. -JW

Oh, no. You did not wake me in the slightest. I was thinking. -SH

Of course. I shouldda known. Is it still too loud? -JW

No...it's fine. What on earth was going on? -SH

Well, basically all these kids went to camp Crystal Lake and they all get killed by this Jason guy in a hockey mask (he has a deformed face) apart from this one girl played by Amanda Ringhetti cos she looks like hid mother. So he keeps her in some cellar, and now her brother Clay (played by Jared Padalecki) I'd out looking for her. -JW

Right. Sounds fairly stupid of them to go camping in a place that has such a vivid back history. Did they not do their research. Didn't they bother to defend themselves against this masked man? Surely he must be getting on a bit in years, so how would not be that hard to defeat. -SH

I dunno, it's just a slasher movie, your not meant to question it. -JW

Why not? -SH

Because your meant to enjoy watching it, enjoy the thrill of being scared. -JW

Then why not go and catch serial killers; much like us, for a living. You would get the same sort of thrill and they would most likely get scared. -SH

Because normal people don't actually like being scared for real...and if they did you would be out of a couple jobs, then you would be bored, and I'd have to deal with you. -JW

You could always entertain me. Normal people are boring, although you're normal and surprisingly not as boring. -SH

Erm, thanks? And how do you suppose I 'entertain you' I'm not some bloody jester! -JW

We could re-enact your movie? -SH

Haha, no thank you. I'd rather not be killed and chopped into pieces by a chainsaw. -JW

So a power tool is his weapon of choice? How inappropriate. Does he know the percentage of malfunctions are common in power tools such as chainsaws. He cannot simply go and buy another one with a hockey mask on, too suspicious, and he wouldn't lurk outside of hid habitat. Although his chainsaw must be old and therefore more prone to faults. Does he oil it on a regular basis? -SH

...no. It's not meant to make sense. I think. -JW

Well that is just plain stupid. The film makers are imbeciles. -SH

I guess they are, but I doubt you'd be any better. The actors would loose their patience and quit before you'd have even filmed a scene. -JW

I wouldn't pay they to act. It's just pure mentality. Anyone could do that. I'd rather employ the homeless and actually pay them. They'd be much more appreciative and take the job seriously. -SH

This Jared bloke is a good actor. -JW

Your only saying that because you are a fan of his filmography. -SH

That's true. But he's a bloody good actor. -JW

So, his dashingly good looks have nothing to do with it? -SH

No! Of course not! -JW

I might join you in watching this film, John. I can make a list of corrections and send them directly to the film company. -SH

I don't think they'd care, Sherlock. They couldn't do anything about it, the films out there, they've made their money, they're probably directing their next one. -JW

What must it be like in their tiny little minds. -SH

I dunno, are you coming or not? I've got it on pause. -JW

Hold on. Just getting a pen and paper. -SH

Thanks for reading! :D

Chapter 27: Addicted To You  
Part 27: Addicted To You.

Chaoskarma- Your drunk Sherlock fic will be up later today, thanks for the prompt!

Guest- Thank you for picking up on that mistake. I'll read back through my fic and correct the word :)

Everyone else who is reading and reviewing…I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! Without you I doubt I'd be updating daily, you urge me on, so thanks :)

Where are they, John? I need them. -SH

Nope. Not telling. -JW

Oh do be childish about this. Tell me their location! -SH

God, you must be relapsing, you humanising your cigarettes! -JW

Don't try and literally degrade me, John. It will not work. -SH

I want trying to, just couldn't think of any other way to put it than what you text me a while back about my Jam. -JW

I am allowed instances of deterioration, I am still human. Much to my own protests. -SH

Well you're not an alien are you? -JW

Don't try to be humorous, John, it's a waste of your energy. What you should be doing is answering my increasingly predominant question. -SH

And what is that? -JW

Oh! Don't play dumb with me! I am highly strung. Where. Are. My. Cigarettes!? -SH

You're always 'highly strung'...although you must be addicted to them if your grammars taking a bollocking. -JW

I am not addicted! Do not say such trivial things. I cannot be addicted. My body's main use is for transport, and transport alone. If I wanted to I could turn my cravings off, easily. I just want a cigarette as it is the easiest form of bliss...seeing as I have no case. -SH

Well if you're not addicted, why did you use the word 'cravings'? -JW

Sometimes I really wish that you spent less time around me. Although I do hand it to you, you are in fact a fast learner contrary to popular belief. -SH

Who says I'm slow!? -JW

Anderson, but he's always causing some kind of ruckus and can hardly talk seeing as he has quite clearly a drink problem. Caused by the stress of being so thick I should imagine. -SH

I'm gunna bloody kill him! -JW

I will aid you in your meticulously malicious acts in return for my belongings. -SH

Well your most definitely addicted if you'd actually go so far as killing somebody for them...-JW

You were suggesting it as well! Besides, Anderson is a royal pain and I would be doing the world a favour by executing...might even get a knighthood...again. -SH

Now who's being the child? And knighthood? What? -JW

Oh, something my brother is adamant about threatening me with. Ridiculous really. -SH

Why don't you accept it? A might hold doesn't get offered to you twice! -JW

Are you really that unintelligible? I have been offered said knighthood numerous times, id go as far as to say around twelve. Do you see how your previous statement seems utterly stupid considering the facts I have portrayed beforehand? -SH

Stop being a dick! -JW

Give me the fags and I will. -SH

Now your using common slag? Jesus! I better alert the media...or your brother. -JW

Please refrain from doing either and give me them. -SH

No. -JW

Why not? -SH

Stop doing that Whitney child tone, and you know why. -JW

How can you possibly deduce that via text? -SH

Because I'm bloody brilliant and know you too well. -JW

I suppose. Now stop distracting me. The location, John. Now. -SH

What did your last slave die of? -JW

Boredom! -SH

No, actually a pretty vicious head wound, created by the blow of a metal antique candlestick holder...possible Victorian, probably a family heirloom. -SH

...You're making that up right? -JW

Of course I am! You are full aware of my lack of socialism before you made an appearance. -SH

You make me sound like an actor. I just though with you being buggering rich and all you'd have a servant. -JW

'Had' a servant. Seriously, did they not teach you tenses in education? I am aware they lack presidium and actual intelligence but the text books were bearable. -SH

I can just imagine you as a kid, getting plenty of detentions for being a smart arse, although excellent grades and the teachers were baffled. -JW

Very accurate, you ate accumulating quite a knack for deduction. I am impressed. -SH

Not really, I was talking to your brother the other day, and the rest ain't hard to think up. -JW

This conversation is becoming increasingly pointless. Why don't you tell me the whereabouts of my nicotine supplements and I will cease to bother you for at least two hours. -SH

I told you no. I'm not telling you where they are, you're doing well, you don't need them. -JW

Oh, so you've hidden them? So you haven't disposed of them. Very good. Possibly in the flat, defiantly in a place you think I will not bother looking. That narrows it down considerably. Your room is too obvious, mine, well that's becoming increasingly attractive at this point. Tell me, John, do you always give so much away? You must have been terrible when being interrogated by the enemy. Although I doubt the loosing side would have someone as alert as me questioning you. -SH

Bollox-JW

...That has just confirmed it. Thank you, John, for being so co-operative. -SH

Thank you to Arty Diane for noticing my mistake! :D I'm really bad at checking :/

Chapter 28: The Speed Of Pain  
Part 28: The Speed Of Pain.

A/N: Sorry this one's quite short but I will be updating four different parts today so hopefully that should make up for it ;)

You stupid, stupid, STUPID man. -JW

I think I get the point, John. Your recurring use of the word 'stupid' as well as its emphasis in capital letters is quite obvious. -SH

How can you be such a smart arse, but at the same time so bloody thick that you jump in front of a blumin' bullet! -JW

Did you really think I would stand by and let you take a bullet for my arrogance? -SH

You are arrogant. I'll give you that. Look, it was a very nice thing to do for me, but I don't like the idea of you getting hurt, I would have much rather taken the blow. If you didn't smart mouth them in the first place they wouldn't have shot! -JW

'Nice'? Poor word choice I'm sure. Nothing is nice about getting shot. The speed of pain alone, along with the burning sensation and slicing of skin is not to be destined as pleasant. I will indulge in buying you a dictionary, along with a Thesaurus. Tell me, can you get synonyms on that phone of yours? -SH

See, told you what a stupid idea it was, I've been shot, I know. -JW

Exactly. You have been shot, I have not, I could use both the experience for further deductions involving crimes where a weapon is used, as well as not hindering you in the same instance. -SH

I swear you've swallowed a dictionary when you were little. Can't you just speak normally? -JW

In other words. I would take a bullet for you as you are my friend. Happy? Comprende? Bien. -SH

How many languages do you actually know? -JW

Six or seven, although I can use languages of a similar sort to communicate in surrounding countries, such a Spanish in Mexico and so forth. -SH

Jesus. Did you do anything other than study when you were a kid? -JW

What is with the sudden interest in my childhood? -SH

Although, no need to get defensive. It's just you intrigue me, like I can't imagine you as a kid. -JW

You wouldn't gain anything from doing so. Believe me. It was utterly boring. Not being taken seriously due to age, being constantly mollycoddled. Nothing remotely appealing. -SH

I'm sorry childhood was such a boring stage in your life. -JW

Thank you. -SH

I was being sarcastic. -JW

I know. -SH

Thanks for reading you lovely person, you. :D

Chapter 29: Missing You, Missing Me  
Part 29: Missing You, Missing Me.

Remind me again why I thought it was a good idea for you to go to Scotland alone? -JW

It was your decision, and your decision alone. John. I protested many times. -SH

Hmm. I should have gone with you. -JW

What brought you to that conclusion? -SH

I'm bored, and lonely. I think I may have to adopt a couple of cats while your gone to complete my lonely spinster look. -JW

Please don't. I'd hate to return to a house filled with felines. -SH

There was me thinking you'd actually care about me being a lonely spinster. -JW

Oh, I care, but can not do anything to correct it at this current moment. It is all your fault. -SH

How is it my fault!? -JW

You told me to go John. I distinctively remember you pushing me out of the door. -SH

I was being stupid and couldn't bare to show my feelings, much like you on a daily basis. -JW

You idiotic excuse for a man. -SH

Heyyyyy! That was uncalled for! -JW

No, it isn't. If you didn't insist so greatly that I should depart to this god forsaken place I would not have bothered. Now we are both bored and lacking each others company. -SH

Is that your way of saying you miss me? -JW

Yes. No. Maybe. -SH

Can I tell you how sweet that Is or will you go off your rocker again? -JW

Depends if the feeling is mutual. -SH

Of course it's mutual you twat! I miss you a great deal, hence why im texting you at two in the morning. -JW

Can you not sleep? -SH

No. -JW

Me either. -SH

It's the first time we've slept alone in almost a year. It's weird. -JW

That feeling is to be expected once the mind gets used to a routine and suddenly is without. -SH

Hmm. I'm tired but can't sleep. Just keep wondering what you're doing, what you're thinking. It's annoying. -JW

I'm lying in a bed of sorts, much like yourself, thinking along the same lines as you. Although in much greater depth. -SH

I am never letting you travel alone ever again. -JW

Why thank you, Dr. Watson. -SH

It isn't for our sake, it's for the sake of the people who have to deal with the wrath of Sherlock Holmes tomorrow. -JW

Naturally. I admit I act seemingly more reserved with your presence. –SH

Are they all ginger? –JW

Random question, but no. The majority that I have met do not have ginger hair, no.-SH

Do they shag sheep? –JW

Once again, no. That is a stereotype associated with the Welsh. Not the Scottish, although the answer is still false on both occasions.-SH

Can you understand them? –JW

Of course I can understand them. It isn't an entirely different language, John. Its English spoken with a Scottish accent, not challenging to decipher at all.-SH

Do they have bagpipes? –JW

One elderly man who I have passed is busking using bagpipes, yes. –SH

Are they nice looking? –JW

More so than a preponderance of people that vacate some parts of London, although less so than other areas of London. Defiantly less so than you. –SH

Good to know. –JW

Any reason behind the sudden urge to question me on my travels? –SH

Nope, just bored. –JW

If it makes you feel any better, I'd much rather be taking a case than lying in an outlandish hotel room. –SH

It does. Although it doesn't help matters that Greg keeps texting me about cases and then forgetting you're not here, telling me not to worry. I feel useless. -JW

You are not useless John. Far from it in fact. I would not be who I am today without the help of my blogger and more occasionally than I would have though, sexual partner...and wife. -SH

How many more times! I'm not the bloody wife! -JW

You are shorter, more open to feelings, and culinary educated than me, not to mention your position during sex, as well as spooning. -SH

Fuck off. -JW

I can not simply cease texting you. I need this, and so do you. -SH

I know, I know. -JW

Maybe we should both rest for now and you come to Scotland tomorrow seeing as we are quite wittingly inseparable. -SH

Thats the best idea you've ever had! -JW

Besides starting this relationship? -SH

No, of course not. Second best. -JW

Good. Make sure you arrive wearing a kilt tomorrow. -SH

What!? They all don't wear kilts do they? -JW

No, it is not customary, but i'd be very grateful upon seeing you in said item. You know my fondness of your legs. Also it is easier to access intimate areas when wearing the item, which I find to be very apt. Don't you think John? -SH

I am not wearing a bloody kilt! -JW

Shame. It was worth a try. -SH

Its John Barrowman's fault that I picked Scotland. Blame him. MOWHAHAHAH!

Chapter 30: Shit Faced Sherlock  
Part 30: Shit Faced Sherlock.

Big thanks to ChaosKarma for suggesting this prompt. Hope I did it justice! :D xx

TrekkieL –I am writing your prompt as you read this ;) Hope that's not too freaky hahah! Xx

Wetstar- Thank you so much for all the lovely reviews, two more chapters are coming ;) xx

Arty Diane - What would I do without you? eh? Thank you for telling me! :)) xx

John, could you come down to our local, yer boyfriends getting a bit rowdy and the bloke at the bar is threatening to kick him out. –GL

Jesus! Really? Are you sure its Sherlock? He never drinks. –JW

Oh, I'm sure mate. Just get down here pronto yeah? He's driven six people away already and he's hard to get control of. –GL

Okay, on my way. Sorry bout this, he's never usually like this. –JW

S'okay, maybe you could tell him to stop trying to bite my hand? Its pissing me off now. –GL

He's biting your hand? He must be bloody pissed. Sorry. I'll text him now, if he can reply is another matter. –JW

Thanks. Could you also tell him to stop shouting about murders and that, the punters are kind of getting a bit worried. –GL

On it. –JW

Sherlock, you alright? Greg tells me you're drunk. Don't seem like you. –JW

GREG IU SI BORUNG.

No, he's just trying to stop you from getting barred and arrested. Stop shouting about killing people will ya! Just until I get there. –JW

URE CUMNG?#/;'

Yes, Sherlock. I'm on my way now, just go easy on Greg, yeah? He's doing us both a favour. –JW

GRIG SMULSZ

No, Greg doesn't smell. You probably do…of alcohol. Don't tell him that or he'll leave you and you'll be royally fucked.-JW

WUNT YUUUUUUUUUUU

Yes, I know, I'm coming. I'll be there soon, just don't cause too much trouble before I get there? –JW

U SMELS NUCE

Yes, I probably will smell better than you…or Greg now for that matter. You haven't been sick on him have you? –JW

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOO

Right. I'm surprised you're not a coordinated drunk, you can't have been drunk before is all I can say. What's your reason to get utterly bladdered then? –JW

BORUD!"£"

So you get drunk? For an intelligent arse, you sure are stupid. Why didn't you tell me, I could have come with ya? –JW

CUZZ WULDD BEE EMBRUSUN

Well I doubt it will be any less embarrassing when I come and get you now, will it? –JW

HUGRRE

I'll buy you some chips, or a kebab on the way home. You really should have eaten something before going to the pub, I know you hate it, but it would have soaked up some of the alcohol. –JW

DU YKNOW FLIUES ENNN KEBUBB

I know they aren't the most sanitary of food, but neither are the chips, they get re-heated over and over all day. You're choice. –JW

CANRNT UW CUOK

I could, but I doubt you'd find anything in the fridge, I don't go shopping till tomorrow. Sides, you need something really greasy and full of starch. –JW

SUICK

Yes, you will be sick, but its your own fault for being so reckless. Seriously Sherlock, why do it? What on earth did you drink? –JW

TOW MEUCH

We'll talk about this when I get there, just don't bite Greg, okay? He's not a walking kebab. –JW

PFT AGAHAHAHAHA

He's laughing like a bloody lunatic and hugging his phone to his chest. What did you text him? –GL

I told him you're not food and to stop biting you. Seems to have worked ain't it? –JW

Not really, now he's shouting your name over and over. –GL

Tell him I won't be long, bloody traffic this time a night is ridiculous. Thought it would be quiet. –JW

It's a Friday night, mate. Definitely not gunna be quiet. –GL

JAWNNNNNNNNNNN

Yes? Stop shouting my name, its unsettling Greg. –JW

SOOOO HEES ANOYUJN

He's not annoying, he's trying to help you. Be good till I get there for both our sakes.-JW

NUT CHIYLD

Well you're doing a good impression of one, let me guess your folding your arms in defiance? –JW

NOTT

Okay, ill ask Greg then. –JW

NOWWW

Is that because I'm right? –JW

HEXZ BUSYI

Doing what? He's supposed to be looking after you! –JW

CHUTIN UPP BAARLADDDI

Joy. Well sit tight, be quiet, don't bite anyone or cause a disturbance and I'll be there in five. –JW

BRIUNG COTE CULD

You took your coat when you went out. You've probably left it somewhere, ill get Greg to find it for you. Sit still. Don't move. –JW

NOTT KIDD FUR GIDSS SAKEE

You've drunk Sake? No wonder your pissed out your head. Haha! -JW

STPUDI

Sorry what was that? I'm not that good at 'drunk text'. –JW

HACE UY

No, you don't. You'll hate yourself in the morning, I assure you. –JW

Greg stop chattin some barwoman up and watch Sherlock will ya! –JW

Sorry mate, I am keeping an eye on him…he's just more annoying than usual. If I stick around ill end up hitting him. –GL

Alright, just make sure he doesn't do a disappearing act, alright? –JW

Yep. –GL

Does not being able to see him count? –GL

YES!-JW

He's here somewhere, just not in my line of site. Two seconds the barmaids helpin me look round. –GL

Bloody find him will ya!-JW

Sherlock, where are you? Gregs looking for you. –JW

SHHHHHHHHHHHH

Greg can't hear me Sherlock, I'm not actually there. –JW

CUN HERRRRRE PHUNNWE

Right. So where are you? How am I gunna take you home if I cant find you? –JW

UNDUR TEBL

Greg, he says he's under a table…good luck. –JW

What table, there's dozens of them! –GL

Just look around, he's hardly invisible. –JW

Its alright for you. Ive just got slapped by a woman and punched by her bloke for supposedly looking up her skirt! –GL

Sorry…-JW

S'alright. Found him –GL

Thank Christ. –JW

He won't let go of the table leg. –GL

Let me phone him. Hold on. –JW

[Outgoing call to SHERLOCK]

[call ACCEPTED]

"Jawwwwnnnnn"

"Sherlock, Greg tells me your being a bother, why are you acting up?"

"Cos hessssss annoying"

"Yes, we already know that. Let go of the table leg for me Sherlock, so he can bring you to me"

"You here?"

"Yes. I'm outside. Let go of the table leg."

"Cant see you"

"You'll see me in a second, just paying the cabbie"

"Johnnnnnn"

"Yes, its me. Now let go of the table leg and come outside."

"Come inside. Greg's here"

"Yes, I know Greg's there. He text me and told me to come and get you."

"JOHNNNN!"

"What, Sherlock?"

"Greg's molesting me"

"No he's not, he's trying to get you out from under the table and bring you to me."

"I want you John"

"Alright, come out from under the table and we can go home"

"No"

"No?"

"Not until I see you"

"Sherlock. Get. Out. From. Under. The. Bloody. Table. This. Second!"

"Okay…sorry"

"Good. Look up, by the door, can you see me?"

"Your waving…look funny"

"That's because your drunk Sherlock, everyone looks funny"

"Greg don't, Greg always funny."

"Don't say that out loud, he just might kill you."

"Okay."

[Call DISSCONECTED]

I dunno what you said to him but he's behaving himself. Finally. –GL

Don't ask. -JW

Chapter 31: Fundamentally Loathsome  
Part 31: Fundamentally Loathsome.

This was suggested by the lovely TrekieL. I hope it isn't too off mark for you. I got kind of carried away with Anderson's jibes at John and Sherlock… :) xx

John's phone buzzed for what seemed the hundredth time that evening. Sherlock was getting increasingly curious as to who it was; curious as well as possessive. Whoever it was, didn't they know he was spending quality time with his boyfriend. Imbeciles.

When John left the phone unattended to go and make tea, Sherlock pounced.

He unlocked the screen and read through the messages.

How's Freak today? Not troubling you too much I hope? –A

If you call him that again, rest assured, you'll have my first down your throat.-JW

I'm sure you've had more than a fist down your throat since living with the freak...eh Johnny boy? Straight soldier turned bender has he? What must your very macho Army pals think of that? -A

Fuck off.-JW

Oh. The truth hurts does it? I suppose swallowing freak down on a regular basis hurts as well...Tell me, is he paying you? Or forcing you? Must be one or the other, can't be out of your own free will...-A

It is actually, only someone as arrogant as you wouldn't know what it felt like to do anything for the person they cared for, because no one will ever love you in the way I love Sherlock. -JW

Huh! You love him maybe. He definitely doesn't love you, he loves his work, he gets off on it. Don't kid yourself thinking you appeal his sexually, he probably looks at old case files before he fucks you to get him nice a hard. -A

Your fucking disgusting! You know that? You obviously didn't bother to get to know Sherlock well enough, because if you did you'd see how human he is under that hard exterior. It's defence against people like you! -JW

I wouldn't want to, I'd probably end up like one of those corpses he investigates. You'll end up like that one day and he'll be the one that put you there...no one would care because we told you so. -A

He is NOT like that. He'd never do that to me or anyone for that matter. You've got it all wont, you all have. -JW

No John. You are the only one making a mistake here, your lucky were decent enough to point it out...but will you listen? -A

Of course I won't listen to two timing gossipers like you. Just leave me alone. -JW

Making you please him again is he? Using you for sexual gratification because you are too stupid to see past the front. He's pulling the wool over your eyes...or the collar he's brought you for being such a good lap dog. -A

I'm not his fucking dog! And he's not fucking using me either! You're just jealous. -JW

Hahaha! JEALOUS...jealous!? Is he drugging you? He's got to be. -A

Of course he's not. Twat. -JW

Are you drugging him then? Must be, he wouldn't even talk to you otherwise. So you're giving him drugs to aid his filthy habit for what? To talk to you because you have no friends and your family don't want to know you? How sad. -A

Don't you DARE talk about my family! -JW

Why? Scared I might actually talk to one of them and find out your dirty little secrets? You must have something to hide if your going round with freak. Maybe your doing the murdering to aid his boredom like a good bitch. So desperate for praise are you?-A

I hope you die bloody and alone. -JW

Howwwwww no. That will be you Watson. Some experiment of his goes wrong and you'll be the fallout. Bet you'd be stupid enough to let him experiment on him...eh? -A

You don't know him and never will have the pleasure. -JW

Ha! Don't make me laugh doggie. Bet your gimp leg makes it easier for him to get you on your knees, eh? what does he do? Kick your good one? Can't be that good now though after all these months on the cold hard ground. -A

Ahw, have I hurt your feelings doggie? Nawww poor thing. All you want is sympathy you pathetic war hero you, bet you killed all your friends during war didn't you? Couldn't bare not to win, wanted to be the last man standing...well...limping. -A

Did you shoot yourself so you'd get special treatment? -A

Or was it out of cowardliness? So you'd get send home, couldn't you take being a man for longer than a week? -A

Are you sitting in a corner crying now soldier? Bet you're weeping like a girl. -A

Not man enough to reply. I get it. -A

Sherlock couldn't take not replying any longer. He'd debated replying for several minutes now and John would be back with the tea soon. Should he bring this up? No. John didn't need Sherlock's pity, he'd hate it, but he couldn't just sit there whilst his John was getting bullied by Anderson of all people.

So he replied.

Seize texting John for the foreseeable future or I will strip your life away bit by bit. Make sure you know what it feels like to be a piece of mud on my the little rat that you are. Believe me I have connections. I could loose you your job, your house, your friends. I could have you imprisoned with one text, have you're family killed, have you killed. I won't though, as long as you never contact John is this regard again. -SH

Oh, and for your information; which is absolutely none of your business...My feelings towards John are the strongest that could be felt for such a extraordinary man. Your little snipes would never penetrate the bond we have. You may think you are smart but you are petty. Hurt John again and I will witness how minuscule you can go. I will take it upon me as a challenge to see how much I can degrade you. Personally. Do not underestimate me when it comes to John Hamish Watson. -SH

Compose_messageAdd_Contact  
Gregory_LestradeAdd_Secondary_ContactMycroft_Holme sMessageType

Fire Anderson. -SH

SEND

A big thank you to EVERYONE reading and reviewing. You really are making my day! xXx

Chapter 32: Predatory Purple Haze  
Part 32: Predatory Purple Haze.

I'm currently obsessed with Jealous!Sherlock, so here you go… xx

John was talking to his neighbour. One of 's 'married ones  
next door', he was an alright bloke actually, but Sherlock instantly  
despised him.

John and Sylar were mid-conversation when Sherlock rudely interrupted,  
dragging John away and glaring daggers at the unsuspecting male. He  
then walked off in the opposite direction without so much as a word.

What the bloody hell was that!? -JW

Jealousy, mixed with anger and a possessive nature. -SH

Oh, well I bloody well know that! I mean practically dragging me away  
from Sy! -JW

Oh, its 'Sy' now is it. Lucky I intervened when I did. -SH

Intervened? What? We were just talking...you know what everybody does  
on a regular basis. Except you that is. -JW

No, John. You were not simply talking. Sylar was flirting with you. -SH

No he was not! I'd know, I was there! -JW

He was John. It is a fact. It was clearly obvious from my angle. -SH

It was, was it? Well you seem to be forgetting he and his partner are  
married, so he can't be flirting with me. -JW

Marriage or not, he can still flirt. His act today surely proved it.  
Notice you don't recall the name of his partner. -SH

Well if you'd have let me TALK to him for a bit longer I would have  
found out. -JW

I do not think so. God knows what would have happened if I did not  
stop his over compensating flirting when I did. -SH

Once again. He. Was. Not. Flirting. For christ sakes Sherlock! -JW

Pupils dilated, staring predominantly at you. Biting and moistening  
his lips encase his plan works. Laughing a little too hard at your  
terrible jokes, using it as an advantage to touch you, more  
specifically pat your chest. Contact. He left his hands lingering  
there a little too long, trailing his fingers un noticeably downward  
slightly before he could be caught out. Suggestive. Shuffling closer  
in each instance you looked away, never one taking you out of the line  
of sight. Predatory. No doubt trying to gain a close enough proximity  
to slip his number into your coat pocket. -SH

Don't be absurd! He's married! -JW

Check your left coat pocket. -SH

Why? -JW

Do keep up, John. To prove my theory right. -SH

Oh. His number. Terrible handwriting though...-JW

Probably wrote it in a rush. Considering his partner was in the next  
room. Didn't want to be caught writing his number down on several  
pieces of paper, too many questions will be asked resulting in an  
argument. -SH

Several?-JW

Oh, you are most definitely not the first. -SH

What a tool...I should tell his husband! -JW

No. It would cause too much trouble, and noise. I need the quiet for  
my experiment later tonight. -SH

Sod the experiment! The poor bloke is getting cheated on repeatedly! -JW

Then it is down to his own stupidity in not noticing. Its quiet  
obvious. The smells alone would be enough of a clue. Along with the  
taste and sudden disappearances to long lost uncles, no doubt he has  
slipped up on occasion. I suspect the partner knows but does not want  
to come to terms with it.-SH

Poor bloke. Must be feeling like shit. -JW

Much like how I feel seeing that schemer salivate all over you, in  
front of my very eyes. Thought he was being clever. I thought  
otherwise. -SH

I should have realised. I feel like a right twat! -JW

Oh, no, don't blame yourself John. Although he left enough clues. You  
still managed to flirt back. -SH

I did not! -JW

Maybe you were unaware, but the constant grinning didn't go a miss. -SH

I was being polite! -JW

You were being reflective. -SH

What's that supposed to mean? -JW

You enhanced your reactions to accommodate the hereditary of his  
impasse's. You may as well have held out a neon sign saying 'come and  
get me'... -SH

That's taking it a bit far don't you think. I just didn't want to be  
rude to Sylar...now I wish I had. -JW

Don't mention that name again. -SH

What? Sylar...-JW

Don't. -SH

Why not? Why can't I say Sylar? -JW

If you repeat that despicable name again I will have to claim you. I  
am not having his. Imprint on you for much longer. It is taking all of  
my will power not to take you infront of him as a gesture of warning.  
-SH

Sylar...-JW

John. Don't. -SH

SYLAR, SYLAR, SYLAR! -JW

Right. That is it. -SH

SYLAAAAAAAAAAAAR! SYLAR! ;) -JW

You asked for it, John. Remember that. -SH

Chapter 33: D Is For Dangerous  
Part 33: D Is For Dangerous.

I can't believe Lestrade sent me out. ME. I didn't even do anything! -JW

I told him to. -SH

What!? Why!? -JW

I could not concentrate. -SH

And that is my fault...how? -JW

I could smell you John. I could envisage you naked, writhing before me. A dangerous distraction. -SH

Bloody hell. -JW

Exactly. I still can't seem to block those thoughts from my mind even without you in the room. This is pointless. -SH

Why don't we go back to the flat, and you know...if it helps. -JW

I doubt that would help, John. Most probably add to those thoughts and images than remove them. -SH

Then what do you want to do? -JW

I haven't a clue. This has never affected me before. Not since last night. Now all I can think of is that. -SH

Maybe letting you fuck me wasn't the best idea in the world then. -JW

No. That isn't the problem. I enjoyed that, do not doubt that for a second, John. I just find myself wanting to do it more often. Such as the middle of this crime scene. You are a drug John. -SH

You need to get a hold of yourself then! Just think, the quicker you solve that case, the quicker you can fuck me. -JW

Into the mattress or the wall? -SH

Your choice...or both? -JW

Don't. Now I have new editions of the events of last night as well as tonights. -SH

Come outside. -JW

Why? -SH

So I can kiss those delicious lips of yours. -JW

No. I can't. The case, John. -SH

Sod the case, you cant concentrate anyway...-JW

I want to, but I can not. -SH

Why! Come onnnnnn-JW

Gregory is blocking the exit talking to Anderson. He is already questioning me on why I wanted you removed from the room. Anderson is no doubt sharing his ridiculous thought out theories. -SH

Tell them to move then. -JW

He will want to know the answer as to why I have not figured out this case yet. It is hardly challenging. I just cannot concentrate on the matters at hand. -SH

Tell him you need to get something from the flat? A magnifying glass? Your phone? -JW

He has seen my phone numerous times. In fact he is staring at me now wondering who I am contacting and why. It is very off-putting. -SH

Let me back in then. -JW

No. I would jump on you the second you entered. It would be embarrassing for the both of us, not to mention causing the yard to gossip further. -SH

People in the yard to nothing else that talk about us. Let's give them something to talk about. -JW

I'd rather not. They would question my professionalism. -SH

Fuck your professionalism! -JW

I'd much rather be fucking you. Hard. -SH

This is going in the direction of sexting. I'm shoeless at you Sherlock. -JW

When needs must, John. -SH

Come and fuck me. -JW

Where would I do such a thing? -SH

There's an alley outside. Small, but big enough to fit us both in with hardly any grazing. The wall looks very sturdy ;) -JW

I am not taking you in an alleyway John! Do not stoop to that level. It is unbecoming. -SH

So? Get out here you daft sod! I'm getting impatient! -JW

What are you planning on doing, John? Dragging me from the room? -SH

If I must. -JW

Do not prepose such temptations if you are not willing to carry them out. -SH

Oh I'll carry them out alright. I'll even carry you out if I have to! Anything to get your arse out here now! -JW

Come and get me John. The distance is dangerous. -SH

I couldn't have put it better myself. Coming now. -JW

Oh, I really hope so. -SH

You're such a bloody tease. -JW

It was not meant in a teasing manner John. I intend to make you come, is that not what you want? -SH

Of course it's what I want you twat! Donavan just shouted at me, apparently she's taking your orders to keep me away quite seriously...-JW

Damn Donavan. Get in here now. -SH

Running up the stairs now, can you at least meet me halfway, there bloody murder. -JW

That's it, John! You are a genius! -SH

What? -JW

The case, it was murder. Cold blooded murder. The brother could not have taken part due to his acute asthma, it must have been the wife. It all makes sense now. -SH

Cock blocked by my own bloody words! -JW

Later, John, later. I'm working. -SH

Unbelievable. -JW

Not entirely. The woman had previous self defence classes, in which she manipulated the tutor into teaching her the pressure points in male anatomy. She then used said skills on her husband to deem him unable to defend himself. That is when she administered the drugs by hand into his saliva. His heart could not cope with the increased BPM and flatlined. Simple. Not unbelievable. -SH

I meant you. -JW

Thank you for the compliment, as always. -SH

It wasn't a compliment. -JW

Yes it was. -SH

I hate you. -JW

I know. -SH

Chapter 34: It's For Science, John  
Part 34: It's For Science, John.

Big thank you to my amazing readers/reviewers! I ABSOLUTELY LOVE YOU GUYS! This wouldn't be possible without you, so I really appreciate it! :) xXx

TrekkieL –I'm gunna write your amazing idea today! I actually really love it! (and secretly like writing Moriarty dialogue Mowhahaha!) Xx

Wetstar –Thank you for suggesting a Jealous!John fic! I'm really into possessive Sherlock at the moment, so possessive/jealous John will be a good change to write :) xx

Alorawitch – Thank you! xx

Sherlock, why is the kitchen table in my bedroom? -JW

I placed it there. -SH

...why? -JW

I needed a work surface for my experimentation, John. I could hardly place my microscope on your bed. If have to kneel to look into it, as well as the surface not being sturdy or straight. Think of my samples John. -SH

Right. And that's gotta be done in my bedroom why? -JW

It seemed the most eligible room in the flat, apart from the kitchen. You told me to move them, so I did. -SH

To my bedroom? Where I sleep? And you thought that was alright? -JW

Do be serious, John. It is merely a room, you have not vacated it for the past four months since you have proceeded to sleep in my quarters. Therefore it is an empty room. -SH

Yes, but it's still my bloody bedroom Sherlock! What if we had an argument? Where am I gunna sleep then? On the floor!? -JW

Don't be stupid. The sofa. -SH

Oh, cos that's much better. It'll do wonders for my back. -JW

I doubt that, it will probably increase the strain due to the odd angle and uneven surface. -SH

I was being sarcastic. -JW

Oh, I see. Okay. -SH

Okay? Okay! Why can't you turn your room into some bloody laboratory and sleep in mine? -JW

It has already been done, I can hardly move all my equipment back, I do not have the time. Besides, your room is opposite the door so you would get a draft, I am a light sleeper John. Also then I would have to sleep on the sofa If we have a tiff. -SH

Cheeky bloody bastard. -JW

It has been said. -SH

And why didn't I listen. Might have to start labelling my food and clothes next. -JW

The jam was for an experiment. I brought you various other jars to compensate. The jumper on the other hand was because I was cold and it was closest, I was busy. -SH

Lazy more like. -JW

I did ask you to pass me a jumper. -SH

I was out Sherlock, I'm not bloody psychic. -JW

Oh, I barely noticed. -SH

You never do. I could parade round the living room with a balaclava on and a gun in my hand and you would 'barely notice' -JW

I would definitely see that, John. The gun would make noise when it connected with the ring on your right hand, as well as when you turned the safety off. The balaclava, on the other hand, would make your breathing deeper and ragged, which I would notice. As well as the scent of sweat underneath such a thick garment in this weather. -SH

Right. Well, I'm going to take a kip on your bed for half a hour, I'm knackered. -JW

No! -SH

Why not? -JW

Please tell me thats not a bloody severed head on the bloody pillow. -JW

I wanted to measure the level of indentation of a human head on a pillow during a period of thirty minutes to am hour. A man's alibi depends on it. -SH

It's alright. I'll just sleep on the sofa, unless you have some body parts on that too? -JW

No, there is no body parts on the sofa. -SH

Good, good. -JW

Although there is some photo prints being developed from the reflection of the decapitated head in my bed. They can be moved without distorting the image. All other surfaces were occupied. -SH

Un-bloody-believable. -JW

It's for science, John. Science. -SH

Your saying that like it actually means something to me right now. All I want to do is bloody well sleep. -JW

I would comment that the floor is available but I'm currently creating a shoe tread analysis with separate types of setting concrete boxes. -SH

Naturally. Right well I'm gunna go round Sarah's and kip on her pull out sofa. -JW

What? No! -SH

Well there's no where to sleep in here is there? -JW

The bath Is vacant. -SH

Thank you for reading! Sorry there's only been one update yesterday, rest assured Ill be posting two today, maybe three depending on how much work I actually get done at college ;) haha! Xxx

THANK YOU FOR READING LOVELIES!

Chapter 35: Wight Spider  
Part 35: Wight Spider.

This fic was suggested by the beautiful TrekkieL! My amazing Johnlocker-In-Crime; much like partner in crime but more amazing! Hops I did your idea justice :) There will be a second part with a worried Sherlock after John goes back to work. :)

Moriarty blocked all incoming and outgoing communications with Sherlock's phone by a scrambling signal device he had brought. He placed it near Scotland yard and it stretched over a mile radius.

He made sure he was out of range for the device and used a new phone he had purchased to text John posing as Sherlock.

John, its Sherlock. Meet me at the pool in half an hour. -SH

What? Why aren't you texting on your phone? -JW

My phone is broken, borrowing one. Don't ask questions. Just come. -SH

Right, okay. What pool? -JW

The one where Carl died. It's important. Hurry. -SH

Why there? Why not closer? -JW

Don't ask questions. No time. Please come. -SH

Okay, okay, bloody hell. I'm on my way now, you owe me the cab fare. -JW

Moriarty laughed. It was do easy to trick normal people. Did they not notice the different grammar he used opposed to Sherlock, okay it wasn't that different, but surely he must of noticed! Apparently not. How boring.

It wasn't long before John turned so tiresome and unsuspecting. It was funny. Moriarty got his men to knock him out from behind then tie him up nice and proper. 'No escaping this timeeeeee Johnny-boy!' he all but sang with delight.

It was at that point he had the scrambling device deactivated and proceeded to text Sherlock about his triumphant plan.

[INCOMING PICTURE MESSAGE]

[DOWNLOADING...]

*The picture showed an unconscious John, supporting a bloody lip, busted nose, and a blackened eye. Blood was drying at the back of his head. His left eye was swelling up, it seemed he had played the role of Moriarty's punch bag whilst tied, tightly, to a chair.*

Come and get him...-JM

Location. -SH

Where we had our first date. -JM

I despise riddles. Although I have worked it out. The Pool. How pretentious. -SH

Come and play soon...John's getting boring, might have to start inflicting pain to wake him up. -JM

Don't you lay a finger on him. -SH

Are you going blind? I already have. -JM

Do not hurt him further. -SH

You seem to be forgetting I set the rules. You have no leverage. -JM

Let him go. -SH

Not until you come and playyyy. -JM

Why are you doing this? Why not just kidnap me. It's me you want. -SH

That wouldn't be any fun now would it. John obviously means a lot to you. Its soooo normal of you. -JM

I will get him back. -SH

Maybe, maybe not, but I don't see John being freed any time soon unless boyfriend number two makes an appearance. -JM

What is that supposed to suggest? -SH

Don't be so thick Sherlock. Hanging around with this John Is dulling you down...I'm surprised. It means, if you don't turn up soon I'm going to see what he's capable of. You must be with him for something, and I intend to find out what it is. I'd hurry if I were you, my methods have been described by many as unorthodox. -JM

Don't. I'm warning you. -SH

Oh, how masterful, how demanding, how so utterly powerless of you. -JM

You will not be in control for much longer, I assure you. -SH

Ahwwww, aren't your attempts at trying to overrule me cute? They won't work Sherlock. You should know. As long as I have Johnny here, I will always have the upper hand. -JM

Do not patronise me Jim. I'd hate you to add more to my list of reasons to end you. -SH

You have a list? Do you write it yourself or do you get Johhny-Boy here to write it for you? I bet he writes it on his laptop. Tries to make it all professional and...nice for you. So eager to please. How very dull. -JM

He is twice the man you will ever be. -SH

Just because I wont lay down and attend your every command like a dog. I have standards, John clearly doesn't. -JM

Free him and I will come. -SH

Come here and I will free him. -JM

No. -SH

Ah, well, last chance or you won't get to say goodbye to Mr. Boring-Doctor-Man. -JM

He is far from boring. -SH

A pet gets boring after a while, Sherlock. I should know, I had all of mine killed. You should do that same, I'm really doing you a favour. -JM

I do not accept favours. -SH

Call it a present then. Celebrating the start of The New and Improved Sherlock Holmes. -JM

I find repeating myself odious, but I once again stress to you, that if you so much as touch him further I will end you. -SH

I'd like to see you try. -JM

Turn around. -SH

Sherlock had sneaked in miraculously unnoticed. He had a gun on Moriarty, but his attention was elsewhere. John was beginning to awake and he was aching. Sherlock could tell. It pained him to see John this way, which Moriarty knew all well.

The second Sherlock took his eyes from him, Jim was gone. He didn't care though, there would be another time to settle that debacle All that mattered at this moment was that John was okay. He was. Nothing serious, obviously Moriarty wanted him alive for something. Only question was...what?.

Might do a second part of this with a worried Sherlock.

WetStar -I will upload your suggestion after the next chapter :) xx

Chapter 36: The Definition Of Fine  
Part 35: The Definition Of Fine.

I am SO sorry that this update is late today! My internet has been messing around, we're with some cheap crappy provider now and it keeps dropping out :/ Anyway...I made this extra-long to make up for it!

Wetstar –Your Jealous!John fic will be uploaded next :) sorry about the wait :)

How are you feeling? Are you sitting down like I told you? You are not exerting yourself are you? Remember what I told you. -SH

Sherlock I'm fine, really. -JW

You haven't answered my questions. I did send them for a reason. -SH

Yes I'm sitting down, yes I'm taking it easy, and yes I remember what you said. Quit worrying I'm fine! -JW

I'm not worrying. I'm merely concerned, you have just been used as Moriarty's punch bag for a day, you really shouldn't be back at work so soon. -SH

Yes I really should, I was going stir crazy in the flat. I needed to do something, and sitting down all day diagnosing patients is hardly strenuous is it? -JW

What if you had to get up and reach for some medication on a high shelf? You would be exerting yourself as well as possibly damaging you ribs further. That hardly seems 'fine'. -SH

I'll ask Sarah to get it, or have the medication sent out by post. -JW

We both know you wouldn't do that. You'd rather stay in pain than ask for help, John. -SH

If it hurts too much I'll ask for the day off. Happy?-JW

I am far from it. Make sure you stick to your word, you can be very stubborn. -SH

Speaking of stubborn, Sarah keeps coming in every five minutes for something or other...half of which I know she has plenty stocked up in her cupboard because I put it there this morning. -SH

You stocked the cupboards!? I told you to take it easy! -SH

And I told you I don't need a baby sitter. -JW

She could just be checking on you out of her own concerns for you. -SH

Yeah, that and you've told her to keep an eye on me. -JW

Can you blame me? You've just started your work day with one of the most challenging tasks of someone with several broken ribs. -SH

I could hardly say no, could I? It wasn't that bad. -JW

Yes, you could in fact have said no, but you chose not to. -SH

It's my job Sherlock, I can hardly not do it, that's what I'm getting paid for! -JW

As I have stated many times before, we do not need the money. I have more than enough to cover both the costs of the rent as well as food shopping. -SH

Yeah, but I hate sponging off of you. -JW

Your not 'sponging' and I'd rather you lend some money than exert yourself at work and possibly damage yourself further. If you consider it to be that much of an imposition you can pay me back instalments, that coincide with your pay checks once you are in better health. -SH

Look, I'm fine at the moment, If I feel like I'm gonna pass out ill  
stop okay? -JW

No. You should stop before it gets to that point. You could injure  
yourself further if you were to fall near a table/chair/cupboard.  
Anything around you could be hazardous. -SH

Yeah, but then I'd be stuck in my chair all day. -JW

Is it a moveable chair? Correct? The ones with wheels at the bottom. If  
so you can move about in that. It will only need you to use your lower  
half; mainly your legs, and that would not be a problem at all. -SH

I'm not wheeling around in a chair like a ten-year old! I'm at work,  
I'm supposed to be a professional! Sides, it helps to get up and that,  
these bandages are too tight, they're cutting in. -JW

They are not too tight. If anything they are loose. You may not be  
able to slouch in them, but that is their purpose, it keeps your ribs  
in place long enough to heal and not accidentally puncture a lung. -SH

I am a doctor, I do know. Jesus, I feel sorry for those girls who wear  
corsets! -JW

They are not that bad. If you have a small waist and suitable sized  
bust they are ideal, but if you are top-heavy and have exceedingly  
bigger breasts, I do think it would be uncomfortable. Although they  
wouldn't be in as much pain as you are in right now I can assure you.  
-SH

And you'd know because...?-JW

I have worn a corset. Obviously. -SH

Yeah...cos a man having worn a corset should be the obvious answer. -JW

No, the obvious answer would have been that I would have had a past  
relationship with someone who wore them, or that I worked in an  
establishment selling lingerie amongst other recreational outfits such  
as corsets. Whereas my answer is neither. -SH

When the bloody hell did you need to wear a corset!?-JW

Another story for another time I feel. It would take too long to  
explain via text and I don't think I could stress particular points by  
it either. Would it kill phone companies to makes phones with an  
italiciser? -SH

That's not even a word, and I will get that story out of you! -JW

I know. Its coinage, on my part, but it should be classed as a word.  
Good luck with your pursuit, I'm sure I could find occasions to sway  
your mind to other subjects.-SH

Ill take that as a challenge then. -JW

When you are in better health, obviously. -SH

That goes without saying. All I can do now is picture you in a corset. -JW

Check what you have written. You have a knack for writing certain  
words from your chain of thought. -SH

So I have...that would have caused Mrs. Perkins to have a higher blood  
pressure than she already had! Prescribing corsets would have them  
gossiping! All your fault I might add. -JW

They always gossip John. People do little else. -SH

Thank you for reading! :D xXx

Chapter 37: Bound 2 U  
Part 37: Bound 2 U.

This Jealous!John fic was suggested by the brilliant Wetstar! :D

Dedicated to my newest readers haleycat1120 and Lady Prussia of Awesomeness & all my lovely reviewers TrekkieL, Arty Diane, Wetstar, alorawitch, LadyKBlack & EVERYONE else who reads/reviews! I love you guys!

Sherlock, have you seen my keys? -JW

You are constantly loosing them. You ignored my suggestion of a key ring. -SH

Im starting to wish I did it now, I swear I spend half my life looking for them! -JW

That is such a horrendous exaggeration. You do not need them that badly since I have a set that can be replicated. -SH

We'll need the key whilst it's being replicated though...-JW

Also true. Hold on. Possible case at the door. -SH

How the hell do you know that!? -JW

Two rings. First quick, second held for a longer duration. Suggests impatience. -SH

Who is it? -JW

?-JW

? -JW

Would you stop doing that, I'm talking. -SH

To who? What do they want? -JW

Jared has has been polite enough to hand back your keys. -SH

Who the hell is Jared? And why are you on first names? You've spent 2 seconds with the guys and you always say names are irrelevant. -JW

It's impolite to disturb a conversation. -SH

Since when do you socialise with people!? And find it too good to disturb!? -JW

Jared is a science teacher. We are discussing cell structure mutations. -SH

Right. Has he left yet? -JW

No. He is sipping tea in the arm chair. -SH

That's my damn chair! -JW

It is a chair, John. It is neither mine nor yours, it is Mrs Hudson's property. -SH

He'll be moving in next...-JW

I have agreed to let him stay here for a duration of two days since his flat is flooded. -SH

WHAT!? you didn't think to consult me first!?-JW

That was my attempt at humour. -SH

So he's not staying? -JW

He is staying in the flat at the moment as we are mid-conversation. Nothing more. -SH

Thank Christ. -JW

You should relieved, why? -SH

Because I don't randomers sleeping in my flat with you! They could steal all sorts of stuff, leave it in a mess, eat all my food. Sides where are they gonna sleep? In your bed? Bet you'd love that wouldn't you, a nice science teacher to ask about all your experiments and give you feedback -JW

What's he look like? -JW

There is no reason to be jealous John. I will remain monogamous throughout our relationship, and I certainly will not cheat on you with a teacher. I despise them. Always have, always will. -SH

Mm. -JW

John don't sulk. It's unbecoming. -SH

I am not sulking. -JW

Wrong. -SH

I'm not. -JW

John, I'm not stupid. It is terribly obvious. -SH

I'm coming home. Get Jarhead out before I'm home. -JW

I am talking, John. I can not just kick him out. I am getting some well sought after answers to complete my research. Also his name is 'Jared'. -SH

Whatever. Get. Him. Out. -JW

John, don't be preposterous. -SH

Well then, I can't predict my actions when I bloody see him. I've given you fair warning. -JW

You are acting like a child. -SH

No more than you do every bloody day! -JW

I am not arguing with you over this. Jared will be gone by the time you are back to avoid any possible altercations that might happen upon your arrival. -SH

Good. -JW

What's he look like? I bet he's young. -JW

Mid twenties, brown hair, blue eyes. Caucasian. Mild tan, average height. strong welsh accent. -SH

Sounds a dream. Bet he's flirting with you ain't he? Welsh are always so bloody showey. -JW

Your level of jealously is astounding. I have already made a declaration of monogamy. Is that not enough? -SH

You could still flirt with him. You probably wouldn't even realise you were doing it. -JW

I am aware of all my actions, John. As well as Jared's. He is not flirting per say, but is showing a keen interest. Although I have mentioned the severed head in the fridge and he has turned an awful shade of white. You'd think he would have more of an open mind considering he has a degree in science, particularly anatomy. -SH

Funny that. Normal people; sciencey or not, tend not to socialise with people who keep severed heads...or body parts for that matter in their own house, let alone their fridge. -JW

Why not? I'm sure he has seen a copious amount of detached body parts during his time in medical school. -SH

Yes. In Medical School. Not in some strangers house! You could be a serial killer, keeping parts of his victims as souvenirs for all he knew. -JW

He has vacated the premises in haste. -SH

Im not surprised! -JW

People always jump to wrong conclusions. Can they not THINK before they act? It would save a lot of time. -SH

Not everyone is like you. You have to think about that sometimes. -JW

Considering the average person only uses 40% of their available brain power, I conclude that I am fully aware of this. -SH

Right...so Jar-whatever has gone? Yeah? -JW

Yes, John. For the third time. You are a prime example of the previous statistic I stated. Although you are surprisingly less dull. -SH

No need to insult me. Then compliment me...-JW

There wasn't any need for you to project jealousy on both me and Jared but you still did. -SH

Yeah, that was different. -JW

I don't believe it was. -SH

Did this 'Jared' bloke look anything like this. -JW

[INCOMING PICTURE MESSAGE]

[DOWNLOADING...]

Yes. That is Jared. Why do you ask? -SH

I've just seen him. He bumped into me running out from the flat. Dropped his keys, I picked them up...he said his name was Ianto...-JW

Well that can't be right. You must have mis-heard. -SH

Nope. Do you really think I would have mis-heard a name like Ianto? it's unusual, that's why I remember it. -JW

He might have been paid by my brother to plant a camera in our flat. The missing keys make perfect sense now. Why didn't I see this before, John? -SH

You were too blinded by him being a big flirt? I've met him...-JW

What? I hope you didn't flirt back! -SH

No! Of course not! -JW

You did. I can tell. -SH

Maybe just a bit, but it didn't meant anything! You know I'd never do anything other than flirt! -JW

I know, but it didn't change the fact that you played his game, John. He wanted you to be distracted. -SH

Yes but in all fairness, I only flirted so I could get a look at his keys. -JW

Why would you need to do that? -SH

You know that case last week when you said that the husband had a spare set of keys made? He hid them amongst loads of other keys on a key ring, too many so it wasn't noticed? -JW

I recall. -SH

Well I think he had a replica of our flat key on it. -JW

John, you are brilliant! Oh, you wait until my brother hears from me. I can hardly wait. Meddling was always his downfall. So sloppy. -SH

Am I forgiven for flirting? -JW

Most definitely. -SH

What about for knocking your experiment over this morning? -JW

Nice try. -SH

Chapter 38: When In Spain  
Chapter 38: When in Spain...

Have you arrived at the destination yet? -SH

No I bloody ain't, quit texting me, you know you aren't supposed to  
have phones on in planes. -JW

Oh, that is but a myth, but in order to keep on your good side I would  
advise you to turn off your mobile and text me the minute you land.  
-SH

Good. Now I'm gunna get some well deserved sleep. -JW

It's hardly well deserved, John. -SH

It is. Now stop texting me! -JW

Stop replying. -SH

Neverrrr -JW

You are so stubborn sometimes, but also quite unpredictable. -SH

How dya work that one out then? -JW

One minute you're complaining cos I sent you on this trip, that you  
clearly didn't want to go on. The next you are attempting to make  
jokes and continue the conversation at the risk of your own life; in  
your eyes I might add. -SH

It's a good thing, you'll never get bored of me ;) -JW

That is also true. Now get some sleep, it will be a long day tomorrow. -SH

Yeah, yeah, love you too. -JW

You must have landed by now. By my calculations you would have arrived  
at 4:16am although you should give half an hour or so for the Air  
Hostesses waffling on about health and safety. I'm sure even the  
averaged brained person would know these things, do they not? -SH

John, wake up! You are quite obviously asleep, which will not get this  
case solved any faster. -SH

You cannot STILL be sleeping? -SH

How can you not hear your text alert. See that you have your hearing  
tested upon your return. -SH

What the bloody hell was that! -JW

I have no idea what you are describing in so little detail, John. -SH

The bloody foghorn played through the speakers of my room! That's  
what. And don't say it wasn't you, because I know for a fact they  
don't do that as greetings in Spain. -JW

Your powers of deduction are improving. Although it was of my brothers  
doing...chastised by me of course. -SH

Right, are you telling me you called up your brother (who you hate, as  
well as hate talking to) and asked him for a FAVOUR!? Is the world  
ending? -JW

Of course not. Even you would have deduced that. No, I simply  
requested that he pay one of him connections located in Spain to  
contact the hotel and bribe someone to wake you up by any means  
necessary. -SH

And they chose a god forsaken fog horn! I nearly had a heart attack! -JW

I assure you that the means of which you were awoken was not chosen by  
me. As I previously stated. I'm sure it was Mycroft's idea of a joke.  
-SH

We'll in future can you just let me have a nice kip, yeah? What was so  
urgent you needed me awake at this ungodly hour? -JW

It is 6pm, John. -SH

Yeah, but it aint over here...-JW

You have been in Spain for less that three hours, I doubt you would  
have gotten used to the time difference, although jet-lag on the other  
hand is quite tiresome. -SH

Yeah, I have a terrible case of jet-lag...can I go back to sleep now? -JW

No. I need you to go and investigate the crime scene as quickly as you  
can. Before the Spanish version of Scotland Yard contaminate my crime  
scene; they'll have a version of Anderson there, no doubt. -SH

Sherlock, not everyone is stupid. -JW

That leaves much to be considered. Are you dressed? -SH

Yes, if you stop texting me every five minutes I might be ready quicker. -JW

You do not need to dress up. It is Spain, John, not The Houses Of  
Parliament. Spain's finest detectives are hardly royalty.-SH

Yeah, but I wanna make a good impression, don't I? And that made no  
difference to you, Mr. Sheet-wearer! You weren't even wearing pants  
for god sakes! -JW

I find the fact that you continually stared at my crotch area for a  
considerable amount of time before determining that fact to be quite  
amusing. -SH

I was getting checking that you were big enough before I started the  
relationship you see. -JW

Well, you clearly approved. It's such a shame I did not get the same  
opportunity, I may have turned down the offer. -SH

Bloody cheek! -JW

Are you presentable yet, John? -SH

YESSS! Walking out the door now, hope my Spanish aint as rusty as I  
think it is... -JW

Adios, Te amo. Ser seguros.

That means you love me right? -JW

No, it means I find it odious that you take an exceeding amount of  
time to get to a crime scene! Move! -SH

I'm going, I'm going, corrr! -JW

It translates to, 'Goodbye, I love you. Be safe'. Now, have you left yet? -SH

No, I thought I'd shag the room service bloke before leaving...-SH

There will be none of that Mr. Watson or you'll be severely punished  
when you arrive home! -SH

That sounds ominous, what you got in mind? -JW

Hiding all your tea and making sure you lack the funds to purchase more. -SH

You wouldn't dare!... this guy is soooooo nice! I'd be missing out...-JW

Nice try, stop joking about cheating, it is making me rather jealous. -SH

Sorry baby ;) -JW

Refrain from calling me that. -SH

But I'm texting you it, and you can't do anything about it...mowhahaha! -JW

Then you are mistaken. I have contacts. -SH

You mean Mycroft has contacts...-JW

Same thing. -SH

Chapter 39: The Derogative's Of Hot  
Part 39: The Derogative's Of Hot.

THANK YOU to everyone who is reading & reviewing! I really appreciate it :D xXx

and to my new readers/reviewers...HIIII! :)) xXx

The second part of 'When In Spain...'

God, why is it so bloody hot over here? -JW

It is considerably hotter in Spain than countries further away from the equator, such as Britain. The fact that you are used to the climate in England being preposterously low on occasion, the slightest change in temperature is classed as 'too hot'. -SH

Yeah...still bloody boiling! I've had to go round in a vest all day, that's hardly professional is it? -JW

No, but I want pictures, John. Lots of them. -SH

[INCOMING PICTURE MESSAGE]

[DOWNLOADING...]

Happy? -JW

Exceedingly. Just a shame you are such a long distance away. I am glad I am not accompanying you though, I don't think we would get the case solved at all, I would be too busy ravishing you. -SH

Bloody hell, didn't know you had a fetish for vests...-JW

I don't, but the image of you in a thin, tight vest accentuating your muscles to the Spanish-public is quite unfair. I feel I should at least be possessive about the situation. Besides you look delicious in a vest, John. In every sense of the word. -SH

In that case, I wish you were here! -JW

I agree. I'm sure you are being ogled freely by every passer by. I feeling quite infuriated by that fact. -SH

Would more vest-shots calm you down? ;) -JW

They definitely would not 'calm me down', John. Have you seen how attractive you look in a vest. I am having a hard time remaining calm. -SH

Why thank you hot stuff ;) -JW

Again with the pet names. I find them intensely odious, you are aware of this, yet you still use them. -SH

I like annoying you. Your hot when you're angry...-JW

You have failed to acknowledge the fact that I am an increasingly far distance apart from you. -SH

That's what phones are for...and webcams ;) -JW

Phone/Internet sex is below me. I will take no part in it. -SH

Ohhh, but you can't knock it till you've tried it! -JW

I can, and I have. -SH

Don't you wanna see what's under my tank top Sherlock? I've caught such a nice tan as well...-JW

Maybe just for a short while to determine the amount of change in skin colour pigmentation depending on factors of time and U.V rays. -SH

Yeah, yeah, we both know you're having second thoughts ;) -JW

I am not. It is for a case, John. You are aware of my experiments. -SH

Then I'll start an experiment of my own...-JW

What will that consist of? -SH

You getting your kit off on Skype to me. -JW

I thought it might. -SH

I hope that's a 'yes' Mr. holmes! -JW

You know how much that turns me on when you call me that! -SH

Come on Skype then...-JW

The things I do for you Mr. Watson. -SH

Chapter 40: Baby Come Home  
Part 40: Baby Come Home.

Part three of 'When In Spain...'

When are you planning on coming home? The case is solved. -SH

It ain't solved, we've just determined the cause of death! -JW

Maybe you have, whereas I know exactly who the murder is. You said the cause of death was Pulmonary emphysema, which was deteriorated by the addition of liquid nicotine; which, when extracted from a packet of cigarettes, fifty percent of the nicotine in liquid form is enough to kill anyone on it's own. -SH

I really wonder how you know these things...so whose the killer then? -JW

The best friend, and business partner. It's quite obvious, John. -SH

To you maybe, he seems an alright guy, if you ask me. -JW

Well then, I am glad no one is asking you, otherwise a killer would be on the loose. -SH

Alright, calm down. How do ya know he killed him? -JW

The friend obviously had a grudge against the deceased, possibly derived in the past, maybe over stealing his wife as well as being promoted as manager of a company he has only just joined. He also had access to the laboratory in the basement of the company where he could easily get hid hands on the liquid nicotine, or indeed, create some.

His wife is clearly lying about his whereabouts on the night of the murder. If she would cheat on her then-husband for him, I'm sure she wouldn't mine lying further for him. She also wanted him out of the way as he was refusing to sign the divorce papers as he was not prepared to hand over half his fortune to her, he felt she already had enough of a Funchal gain when sleeping with Richard for his money. She doesn't exactly like him, apart from his money. She should be held in contempt of assisting to plot a murder, an accomplish if you will. People are so easily manipulated by factors such as money, is disconcerting. -SH

Bloody amazing! I will never get tired of hearing your reasoning. -JW

Thank you, John. You would not leave me for Mycroft due to the fact that he has a substantial amount more money than me, would you? -SH

Mm, when you put it like that...have you got Myc's number? I seem to have lost it ;) -JW

Good luck with him, John. If you thought I was complicated, you have yet to figure out the traits of my dear brother. -SH

One Holmes is enough for me thanks, even if he is tight with his cash. -JW

Also in other areas that you would appreciate more, as well I hope. -SH

Oh, yeah, how could I forget. I miss your fine arse...It's one of the sacrifices I had to make going on this trip for you...-JW

Just 'fine'? Not to worry, I will compensate you when you arrive home. Soon I hope. -SH

Well, in that case. I'm leaving tonight then! -JW

I did not mean that quickly, you haven't had the chance to see the sights yet, John. -SH

The only 'sights' I wanna see is you when I get home. Now I better text you later, I'm off to have a row with the airline company so I cam change my plane tickets in order for me to come home earlier. -JW

If you're sure, it's your choice, I wouldn't want you to miss out...although I have missed you terribly, The Skull hasn't been very talkative. -SH

It's decided, I'm coming home tonight. I've missed you too. What about Mrs. hudson? She told me she'd take care of you...wait, what have you done now? -JW

Why do you instantly assume I have done something in order for her not to be talking to me? -SH

Because 9 times out of 10 you have...come on, spill! -JW

I may have cracked her Tea-pot. Just a bit. -SH

Not the one her grandson got her? -JW

Yes. I will remind you, it is just a crack, a tiny...minuscule crack, really. -SH

Why do I have the feeling you aren't telling me everything? -JW

It has a tiny crack in it because I couldn't find the last piece of broken crockery after I glued it all back together once it had been smashed to smithereens. It is still usable! Kind of. It really wasn't my fault!-SH

It never is... -JW

Chapter 41: Drunken Disorderly  
Part 41: Drunken Disorderly.

Suggested by a Guest, who wanted some more Drunk!Sherlock :)

John, sorry to have to tell you this mate but Sherlock's been arrested for being drunken disorderly. I've only just found out so I can't tell you all the details, but I'm trying to find out now and I'll tell ya as soon as I have. -GL

Oh for gods sake! That bloke is trying to get me to kill him, I swear. Sorry, thanks for telling me, does that mean I can visit him? Or do I have to bail him out? Or what?. Don't really have experience with this kinda thing...alright I got drunk but I've never been arrested for it! -JW

That's alright. Don't worry, I'm trying to pull a few strings and get him released into your care. Might take a while though, especially with the mouth he's been giving the wardens. -GL

Shit, yeah. That's the thing with Sherlock, he doesn't know when to stop. He likes showing off how bloody smart he is, but isn't smart enough to think about the consequences...or just doesn't care! I'm gunna bloody bollock him when I see him! -JW

Yeah...about that. Just been told he's nearly got punched by the chief inspector so I doubt I'll be able to get him released for at least a couple hours. -GL

That's it, I'm gunna ring his neck. Probably shouldn't be telling you this but what the hell. Thanks Greg I really appreciate it. Don't worry about how long he's in there, might give him tine to think about his actions. I swear it's like having a child, or a teenager! -JW

You must be a saint is all I'm saying. I'll keep you updated. I suspect he hasn't made hid phone call yet, so I'll just remind you so you can brace yourself. Try not to shout at him too much, yeah? Save that for when he gets out cos I really dread talking to him when he's sulking. -GL

Alright, thanks. I can't promise anything though. -JW

[INCOMING CALL]

[WITHHELD NUMBER]

"Hello?"

"Jownnnnnnnnnn!"

"You've got a bloody cheek calling me pissed ain't ya-"

"Johnn iii-"

"-No! Don't bother explaining yourself, I know all about where you are right now. Yes, that's right, Greg called."

"Are 'ouuu maddddd?"

"Yes, Sherlock, I am. You're better than this. Why can't you just tell me before you go and get pissed, at least then I can prepare myself for whatever shit you land yourself in that I'm expected to get you out of!"

"'m sorrrrrhy"

"And so you should be, If I didn't know what you are like I would have gave you more of an earful than I have, you know that right? I know how bloody stupid you are when you show off."

"Iiii don' showwww 'ff"

"Oh yes you do, Mr. I've been there on plenty of occasions where you have."

"Mm, I wannn youuu Jawnn"

"You should have thought about that before landing yourself in a prison cell then shouldn't ya?"

"Yus, sorryyyy. Please gettt mey outtt"

"I'm trying Sherlock, but it's a little hard now the Chief inspector hates you, and yes, before you say anything i know all about what happened there."

"'ee wazz gonn punchhh mee Jawnnnnn"

"I know, because you were giving him lip, I would have as well if I didn't know you!"

"I jus tollld 'im hisss wife wass cheatinn on himm"

"Yeah, and he'll wanna know how you knew that, he probably thought you were sleeping with her!"

"EYMMM NUT!"

"Yes, I know that. I didn't say you were. Just brave yourself okay? Greg's tryna get you out as we speak, just no more smart remarks okay?"

"Mm"

"Sherlockkkkk?"

"Okayyyyy, I promissssss"

"Good, now sit tight, I should be there to pick you up soon, once Greg's sorted it out."

"'kay...Jawnn?"

"Yes Sherlock?"

"'m sorryyy"

"I know, I know. Behave yourself yeah?"

"I alreadyyyy promiseddddd"

"Just making sure, you know I love you right? You stupid bloody idiot!"

"Luv youuuu too Jawnnnn"

*sighs*

"Pleaseeee don' beyy maddd"

"I can never stay angry at you Sherlock, you know that."

"Yowww won' takee awayyy myee Vilonnnn againn will youuu?"

"I'm thinking about it, depends how much more trouble you get yourself in, in the next hour."

"'wont...promissssss. Man saysss gutta goww. Hessss secretleee gayyyyyyyyy!"

"Sherlock!"

"Gwettt owfff eyve gut a boyfrinddd"

"Will he every learn.."

[CALL DISCONNECTED]

Chapter 42: One More Miracle  
Part 42: One Last Miracle.

A/N: Okay, so...first off I'd like to thank everyone for reading and  
reviewing. I really appreciate it! :D

aaa3007 -Thank you for the Drunk!Sherlock prompt! Hope It was okay :D

A big thank you to all my other lovely's TrekkieL, Wetstar, haleycat1120, Lady Prussia of Awesomeness, Arty Diane, snapletonius, reflectiveness, alorawitch, chaoskarma, ronneygirl, LadyKBlack, TheWhoLockedSupernaturalist, Lack-toast-and-tolerance & EVERYONE else that is reading this!

Secondly I thought I'd give you a little background to this chapter of  
the fic so that you understand it better. Its not mandatory that you  
read this because I'm sure you can work it out on your own (with you  
deductive powers like Sherlock ;)

Basically Moriarty had kidnapped John, kept him sedated so he wasn't a hassle and Sherlock rescued him.  
John had been having nightmares about it for weeks and Sherlock wants  
payback for taking the man he holds dear to him (John). Along with the  
fact that its only a matter of time before Moriarty strikes again, he

wants the threat diminished.

How are you, John? I am sorry I cannot be there. -SH

I'm fine Sherlock, I told you the same thing ten minutes ago when you  
phoned me. -JW

That was over an hour ago. You must have fallen asleep. -SH

I don't remember sleeping...I must have been day dreaming or  
something, pretty funny when you think about it. With all this  
Moriarty business happening, I'm sitting here day-dreaming. -JW

How unprofessional of you soldier. -SH

I apologise, Lieutenant haha! -JW

Judging by your current mood, I'm guessing that you did not have any  
nightmares. -SH

You guessed correctly. I'm as surprised as you are! -JW

After he kidnapped you I recall you saying you went into a trance like  
state. Is this the same thing you are describing? -SH

I don't want to talk about it. -JW

You never did tell me what the nightmares consisted of. -SH

Don't. I can't. -JW

They were of him, were they not? -SH

Can't you just leave it? Please Sherlock. -JW

I cannot ignore this John. Anything you can think of, anything that  
can lead us to Moriarty's location would be helpful. We need to find  
him John, before he finds us. -SH

I don't remember, I told you, I've tried. Everything's a blur. I was  
sedated most of the time. -JW

You must have heard something, John. Anything could help. Think. -SH

It was mostly muffled. Like someone had their hands over my ears, but  
there was something I thought I heard. Just one word. I think he said  
something about Reichenbach. Christ knows what that means. -JW

Good! Great, John. That's grand. I know where he is. -SH

What!? How? Where? -JW

Not to worry. Get some sleep. -SH

No. Tell me, please. -JW

He said he owes me a fall. When we last met, he was pretty insistent  
on the subject. What you heard was Reichenbach, and in Reichenbach  
Falls. That's where his hide-out is. -SH

So what are you gunna do now, just go in there all guns blazing!? He's  
gunna be ready Sherlock, you'll be outnumbered. -JW

That is the risk I have to take. I'm sorry John but I have to go. -SH

No you bloody well don't! You listen to me, if you're going, I'm  
coming with you! -JW

You can't. I am sorry. -SH

Can't or won't? Seriously Sherlock. I want to come, I am coming with  
you. You are not going alone, not this time. -JW

No. You are not coming. That is final. -SH

Why not? I'm not sitting here worried out of my mind, useless when I  
know you're out there somewhere with Him. I'm coming with you! -JW

John, you can't. He knows how I feel about you, you'll get hurt. I'm  
sure of it. -SH

I don't care. At least ill know what's happening and I can help. -JW

You can not help if you are dead. That is what he will do, John. He  
will kill you, that is why I want you to stay there, lock the doors.  
Mycroft is sending some security to guard the premises. I want you  
safe. -SH

And I want you safe too Sherlock, I want you here with me. -JW

I have to finish this John, before he finds you. I could not bear the  
thought of your death, and the fact that I did not do a thing to stop  
it. I need to do this, John. Let me do this for you, for us. -SH

If you die Sherlock, if he kills you, I'll be dead too. Dead inside, I  
wouldn't be able to cope. Then all of this would have meant nothing.  
Let me come with you. -JW

Don't speak like that John. No one is going to die, apart from him. -SH

Promise me you'll come back. Promise me. -JW

For you, John. Anything. -SH

Chapter 43: The Unwelcome Visitor  
Part 43: The Unwelcome Visitor.

John, come home. -SH

What? Why! What have you done this time? -JW

Nothing. Your sister is here. -SH

What!?-JW

You know how I detest to repeat myself. -SH

What's she doing there? -JW

I'm assuming wanting to see you, seeing as she has no idea who I am. -SH

Yeah, sorry about that. Me and Harry don't really speak, we haven't  
seen each other in years so she doesn't know about you. Ill tell her  
when I get home, give me a minute. -JW

It might be a little late for that. I have told her. -SH

You did what!? -JW

Seriously, John. I'm sure you are understanding my texts, they're  
hardly in morse code. -SH

Yeah, but morse code would have kept me in the dark for longer. -JW

I am sorry, John. She asked who I was and I told her, I wasn't aware  
it was a secret. -SH

No, no it aint, I just wanted to be the one that told her is all. I'm  
not ashamed of you! Far from it! -JW

I understand. When will you be arriving home? -SH

I am leaving now, should be there in about 10, just got to clear it  
with Sarah first. -JW

Try and be quick about it John, she is scooping the place.-SH

She's not a serial killer Sherlock! -JW

No, but she is quite heavily intoxicated. -SH

By that you mean she's pissed. -JW

I'm sorry John. -SH

You don't have to be sorry! You're hardly pouring the drink down her  
throat are ya! What's she doing now?-JW

She is raiding the cupboards in search for alcohol. -SH

Joy...Just leave her to it. I don't want her hurting you, she's a  
violent drunk. In the taxi now. -JW

Do you know that from past experience? -SH

I bet she's already given you a mouth full aint she? She's quite the  
talkative drunk! -JW

You are changing the subject. -SH

Hope she's not insulted you too much. -JW

Not really. The only thing she has said so far is...and I quote.  
'What's a bloody toffy-nose git like you doing in a shit hole like  
this?' -SH

Yeah...sorry about that. -JW

It's hardly your fault John. -SH

I'm guessing she's said more colourful things since then? -JW

Oh yes. -SH

Care to share? -JW

I doubt you would appreciate them. I would prefer if you didn't kill  
your sister in our flat. -SH

That bad huh? -JW

She thinks I'm paying you. That is bar far the most hilarious comment  
she has expressed. -SH

Paying me to what? Sleep with you? Tell her I'm not some sodding escort! -JW

I have, numerous times. -SH

Well when I get home ill put her straight. Don't worry. -JW

I was not worried in the slightest. -SH

So you don't care that my sisters just basically said that you'd have  
to pay someone to be with you? -JW

Considering she has spoken to many of our neighbours as well as Mrs.  
Hudson, as well as disrupting my on-going experiment. She feels that  
you must be a saint to put up with me, therefore leading her to the  
conclusion that I must be financially aiding you to be my partner as  
she has no record of you ever being homosexual. -SH

Well don't listen to her! You know I'm with you because you are  
amazing, after I got back from Afghanistan things were bad, and you  
made me happy again. I know that sounds cheesy but I care a great deal  
about you. Don't think for a second that what's she's saying is true.  
I'm not with you for your money! You know that right? -JW

Of course I do. You hate lending money from me, and when you do, you  
pay it back in full. Despite my protests. I tend not to listen to any  
one else's opinion on personal matters. -SH

Good. I'm round the corner. What's she doing now? -JW

Insulting me. Profusely. -SH

Oh...just don't listen to her, she's pissed out of her head, she  
doesn't know what she's saying. You know I don't agree with whatever  
crap she's saying. -JW

She is shouting. I believe she is aware of everything she is saying.  
The addition of alcohol makes a person feel more brave than they would  
generally. So she is thinking these things, she just wouldn't  
have the courage to say them if she was not drunk. Although her  
opinion is invalid. The only opinion I care for is yours. -SH

You're a soppy git, you know that? But I love it. -JW

I wasn't aware I was being 'soppy'? -SH

You were, a hopeless romantic..that's you. My knight in shiny armour  
when my sister appears. Christ knows how your coping. -JW

Hardly, I have no emotional link to her so my actions are not barred  
by sentiment. -SH

So you don't want me to thank you later? -JW

Now, John. Let's not be hasty, I did not mean that per say. -SH

That's what I thought ;) Thanks for not chucking her out, I know that  
took a lot of will power, I know what she's like. -JW

She is your sister, despite her behaviour. I could not simply throw  
her out this intoxicated, anything that might happen would then be  
partly my fault and I hate to see you upset. -SH

I love you for that, you know. Thank you baby. -JW

Now who is being 'soppy'. You know how odious I find that pet name, John. -SH

I know, but sometimes I feel like it. -JW

Refrain from calling me 'baby' in public at least. Gregory nearly had  
a heart attack last time, no doubt Anderson will mention it the next  
time we speak. -SH

Okay, if I must...baby. -JW

I think you deserve a through punishment for that when you get home. A  
spanking may be in order. -SH

Oooh! I betta run then ;) Outside the door now, sorry I took so long,  
had to help Mrs. Hudson get that hanging plant down outside so she  
could water it. -JW

Hurry. The sooner you are here, the sooner we can make the decisions  
as to what to do with your sister. -SH

She's not a piece of furniture Sherlock, she's my sister. -JW

Yes, but she is currently walking towards the fridge. -SH

Well stop her then! God sake! If she sees those damn body parts  
we'll never hear the end of it! -JW

I stopped her before she could open the fridge door, only she thinks I  
am making a pass as her. -SH

And my day keeps getting better. -JW

Chapter 44: Knock, Knock  
Part 44: Knock, Knock.

Get the door John. -SH

You get it, I'm upstairs! -JW

I'm busy. -SH

Lazy more like. -JW

There is quite a large difference between busy and lazy ill have you know. -SH

Just get the door will you, I'm sure a couple of seconds away from  
whatever you were doing is gunna hurt. -JW

Why can't you answer it? -SH

Because I'm upstairs, in the shower and have hardly any clothes on, as  
well as the fact I'm wet. So I'd rather not catch a cold and answer  
the door stark bollock naked if it's all the same. -JW

Well why didn't you say so, John. -SH

You obviously knew where I was Sherlock, I told you as well as the  
fact that the pipes are noisy. The whole bloody street knows when we  
have a shower! -JW

So your answering the door then? -SH

No I'm bloody well not. You are! -JW

I can't. I have already mentioned this to you. -SH

Answer the blooming door! -JW

I'm in the middle of an experiment, I can't just leave it unattended  
John. I'm sure whoever it is will go away eventually. -SH

You are un-bloody-believable, you know that? -JW

I'm not asking you to answer the door, just leave it. -SH

It might be important. -JW

No. The sense of urgency was not portrayed in the act of knocking. -SH

Right, well I'm off to answer the door half naked, probably gunna  
catch a cold, but its alright. You sit there and continue playing  
scientist while I answer the door. -JW

Thank you. -SH

I was being sarcastic! -JW

I know. -SH

If your interested, it was ur brother. -JW

I am glad I didn't answer the door then. That would have proved a  
hasty retreat. -SH

You've got to talk to him sometimes Sherlock, he's your brother. Not  
to mention he pesters me when you don't! -JW

Ignore him. I generally do. -SH

I can't, I don't like being rude like someone I know. -JW

I have no doubt you are referring to me. -SH

Yes I bloody am! Mycroft said he's got a case he wants you to look at. -JW

Tell him I am busy. -SH

Tell him your bloody self! -JW

Chapter 45: Visitations, Cardigans & ChocDigestives  
Part 45: Visitations, Cardigans & Chocolate Digestives.

This fic idea came to me whilst I was talking to Haleycat1120 who basically gave me it, so thank you!

Also, if you haven't already TrekkieL has some great new Johnlock fics that I find adorable! She also is starting a new Johnlock kid fic :D So if you wanna check them out you can here - u/4070925/TrekkieL or just search TrekkieL in the authors on this site :)

Sherlock, what time will you be back from St. Barts? -JW

Sherlock? -JW

Sherlock for gods sake put the bloody test tube down and answer you phone! -JW

SHERLOCKKKKK! -JW

What is the commotion about John? I'm working. -SH

Thank god! Your brothers here! Help! -JW

Last week you were telling me that he wasn't that bad, now you are sending out smoke signals to get me to divert his attention. -SH

Hardly smoke signals! Just get home please, he's talking about something and I have no idea what he is saying! -JW

My brother does come across as pretentious and mostly boring. I'm not surprised you have lost interest. -SH

He wants an answer and I have no idea what he is going on about! Are you coming home? Please say you're coming home.-JW

I'll leave when I get a conclusive result, John. This investigation is more important than dropping home to trade social pleasantries with my brother. -SH

Yes, but you'll be doing me a favour, please Sherlock! -JW

Try refraining from texting me, then you might understand what Mycroft is trying to portray to you. Might being the operative word. -SH

Sherlock! You know what he's like, just come home will you, he said he's not leaving till your home! -JW

Well, in that case. Tell him he will have a long wait as I have no intention of coming back to Baker Street tonight. -SH

But Sherlockkkk, you can't leave me here with him! -JW

I'm hardly making you stay there, John. You are free to leave our flat at any time, you can even entertain the fact of kicking Mycroft out. -SH

I can't do that! -JW

Why not? It seems the most obvious solution. -SH

Yes, but that'll be rude, and he's your brother! Not to mention he works for the government, he'll probably make my life hell! -JW

Oh, do be serious John. Mycroft is the rude party for turning up unannounced. In terms of his employment; the worst he can do is raise the price of our rent, which I could easily cover both our shares. Do not worry. -SH

There's no tea left, Mycroft drank the last one. -JW

You obviously gave him that out of spite. I'm surprised he has not eaten us out of house and home, ask him how his new diet is going. Bad, no doubt. It is always the same outcome. -SH

Sherlock, that isn't very nice. He isn't even fat! I don't know why you keep going on about his diets, you know it's a touchy subject for him. -JW

Like I care about my brothers feelings John. He is a royal pain and expects me to drop everything upon his arrival. I do not think so. -SH

Your lack of reply is causing me to jump to conclusions. -SH

Has he murdered you. I would not put it past him.

Are you dragging him off of the premises? -SH

Has he ate you? He has ate you hasn't he, I knew the diet was failing. -SH

Are you entertaining our guest in other ways? I will be jealous John.-SH

[INCOMING CALL]

"John, I demand to know what Is happening this instant!"

"Oh, hello dear brother."

"Mycroft, what a surprise to hear you're at my flat, I assure you I hadn't the slightest clue you were there."

"We both know that that is incorrect, don't we Sherlock."

"I am not at liberty to say."

"The fact that you just confirmed my suspicions upon hearing my voice at the end of the phone. You then proceeded to reiterate what I was about to tell you."

"You did not take the fact that you answered John's phone into account. I clearly knew he was at the flat and you happened to answer his phone, so the obvious solution is that you have made a unwelcome visit."

"Yes. That could be a factor but John has proclaimed my arrival to you via text, he then decided to inform me you were going to turn up eventually with too much enthusiasm that it was easily noticeable as false."

"Ah, John. Always trying to help me in any way he can. I am forever in his debt. Although I made my objections clear and he would not have been able to away my decision not to see you, so why he told you that is a mystery."

"Maybe John has a plan to coerce you to see me."

"Mm. That could be a possibility, although there is nothing that comes to mind that could leave me at his mercy."

"You make him sound torturous."

"No. John is far from that, I'd go as far to say as the binary opposite. The fact that I have to meet you however is torturous."

"We'll I should be off. I have spoken to you, that is all I can here to do, whether it be in person or not. Thank John for me will you."

"Ring ahead next time, we might be out."

"Oh I am sure you will be out."

[CALL DISCONNECTED]

Sherlock, your brothers disappeared. He was here a minute ago? -JW

I phoned you. He happened to answer, we talked, he left. -SH

Oh, okay...-JW

Wait, you actually TALKED to your brother? Molly didn't have a gun to your head did she? -JW

That was quite humorous John, but no, I did it of my own accord. Well, for your sake, so Mycroft didn't spend any more time in out flat than strictly necessary. -SH

Oh, we'll thanks. Glad you did something about it in the end! -JW

What on earth was you doing whilst Mycroft was left unattended in the sitting room? No doubt he installed cameras. -SH

I went in the bedroom to try and find my cardigan, I was cold. Took a whole though, and still didn't seen to find it. Have you seen it? And you can find the bloody cameras when you get home, I ain't letting him see me starkers! -JW

I borrowed it. It is on my persons, I will bring it home tonight. Rest assured I will dismantle the surveillance equipment when I arrive home, I will make damn sure Mycroft is not privy to seeing you shirtless, John. It is a pleasurable sight which he has not place viewing. -SH

Why would you need my cardigan? -JW

Oh, and thank you for the compliments, I don't know what your after, but I'm telling you now I am not changing my mind about the bloomin rats okay? -JW

The cardigan smells of you. I am alone, Molly is elsewhere. I like a reminder or you when I am gone for long periods of time. I apologise for not telling you beforehand, I do not realise I did it until today.-SH

Also I do not see why you are so against me having a few rats to test my findings on. -SH

You know, some times you really make me swoon...and then you ruin it by talking about rats...-JW

I agree that my replies are somewhat contradictory, but I still do not see your problem regarding the rats. -SH

Because they will stink, get loose, and Mrs. Hudson will chuck us out! You know she said no animals in the flat...including rats, you asked her. Besides who's gunna feed em? I ain't and you'll be too busy, they'll starve to death then they won't be useful for anything, and you're not testing stuff on em, poor things! -JW

I wasn't aware that you had a strong liking to rats. -SH

I don't, but they're like big mice ain't they. -JW

They are quite different in fact. -SH

Spare me the details of some weird fact you've found out cos I'm enjoying my dinner. -JW

What is for dinner? -SH

Curry...The Chinese one, not the Indian, that one makes me sick. -JW

I am aware. Did you purchase some sweet and sour sauce? -SH

Yes, I know you like it, Christ knows why, I think it's bloody vile! -JW

We both have different tastes, John. -SH

I know that, I taste you on a daily basis ;) -JW

How did I know you were going to make that quip? -SH

Because I am amazing...hurry and and come home, your Chinese is getting cold. I got you some Chow Mien and Chop Suey for tomorrow because I'm working late and I know you forget to eat, I also know your bloody fussy so you can have whatever one you fancy. -JW

Thank you, but I do not see the importance of eating when on a case. It slows me down. -SH

No, nausea and dizziness will slow you down before you faint of exhaustion because you haven't eaten. So you'll eat when I tell you.-JW

If you insist. -SH

I do. After last time I'm making sure you eat at least once a day. -JW

That was irrelevant, I had actually eaten something. So it does not count. -SH

That's something a kid would say! You had one bite of a digestive Sherlock, that's hardly a substitute for a meal! -JW

It had a chocolate coating! -SH

Like that would make a difference! -JW

It actually would because it adds extra sugar, making the food more sustained. -SH

Oh, shut up! It doesn't class as a meal and that's final. -JW

If you say so. Although your wrong. -SH

Everyone's wrong to you! -JW

That is because they generally are. That and incorrigibly imbecilic.-SH

Chapter 46: The Art Of Grovelling  
46: The Art Of Grovelling.

Look outside. -SH

No! -JW

Go to the window. -SH

I said no! -JW

Just come. -SH

Why should I? -JW

I've got a surprise for you. -SH

Well you've had a wasted journey haven't ya. No amount of whatever you've got out there will make up for what you did. -JW

Just look outside and find out. -SH

No, go away! -JW

I refuse to move until you acknowledge the fact that I'm here. -SH

So if I look out the window you'll leave me alone? -JW

Yes. -SH

Okay, going to the window now...-JW

Good. -SH

Right. There we go I looked out, you saw me, I saw you. Now can you please stop pestering me. -JW

No. You did not look properly! -SH

You said if I look you'll go. I looked. You're still bloody there! -JW

Just look properly. That is all I'm asking. -SH

Why? -JW

Look out your window and all will become clear. -SH

I hate riddles. -JW

I am aware. -SH

And surprises. -JW

You will like this one, I guarantee. -SH

For gods sake just tell me what it is And you can be on your way! -JW

No. You have to observe, John. -SH

Well I'm not moving from my chair so you'll have a long wait. -JW

Please, John. It will take two seconds. -SH

No, Sherlock! Take no as an answer for once in your life! -JW

Look. I promise you that it will be worth it. Just look outside your window. -SH

You're not gunna give up are ya? -JW

No. I have told you this numerous times now. -SH

I could just ignore you...-JW

You could, but I have a feeling that you will get increasingly angry at the amount of texts being sent until you reply. -SH

I could turn my phone off. -JW

Yes, but then I could still phone the landline repeatedly. -SH

I could unplug it. -JW

I could get Mrs. Hudson to let me in. Walk up to your door and knock on it for hours. -SH

I'll make sure Mrs. Hudson don't let you in...You'll hurt your knuckles. -JW

I'll break in. -SH

You wouldn't! -JW

If it was my last resort, I would. -SH

I hate you! -JW

I was fully aware of that fact when you decided to chuck The Skull at me this morning. -SH

You're lucky that's all I chucked! -JW

We both know you aimed to miss me, John. You would never hurt me. -SH

What makes you so sure? -JW

Look out your window. -SH

You look out the bloody window! -JW

That made no sense. -SH

Well I'm angry alright? It's not meant to make sense! -JW

Your anger will subside if you glance out of the window nearest to you. -SH

How can you be so sure of that? -JW

I am a genius after all. -SH

Bloody vain twat! -JW

Lovely. Look out the window, John. -SH

Of for fuck sake! OKAYYYY! If it'll stop your bloody pestering.-JW

Are you looking, John? -SH

John? -SH

John, say something. -SH

Are you crying? -SH

No, it's hay fever. -JW

You do not have hay fever...-SH

I do, now ruin the moment! -JW

I take it you approve then? -SH

Of course I bloomin do! -JW

Why don't you come outside the flat and join me? -SH

If I must ;) -JW

Your mood seems to have change considerably. Not that I'm complaining. -SH

Well when someone sets up a romantic meal outside their door step with all their favourite food, they tend to change their mind. -JW

So I am forgiven? -SH

Yes Sherlock, you're forgiven. -JW

Your table awaits, sir. -SH

I can't believe you did all that by yourself! -JW

Well, Angelo prepared most of it. -SH

Don't ruin it! -JW

Okay, I prepared all of it myself. -SH

Much better! -JW

Chapter 47: Please Don't Leave Me  
Part 47: Please Don't Leave Me.

Get dressed were having company :) -JW

Who is being classed as 'company'?- SH

Sarah's coming over, alright? -JW

No. -SH

No its not alright? Or no to getting dressed? -JW

Both. -SH

Sherlock, I know you don't like her because u think I'm gunna run away  
with her or something, but I'm telling you now that will never happen,  
okay? -JW

Ok. -SH

So you'll get dressed? -JW

No. -SH

Sherlock, don't make me come up there! -JW

By all means come up, John. This will not aid in persuading me to  
change my clothes in the slightest. -SH

You can't stay in your pyjamas all day! -JW

I can, and I will. -SH

Its only Sarah Sherlock! -JW

Exactly. So there is no need for me to get dressed is there? -SH

Yeah, but it looks bad on us if she comes round and ur in ur PJ's,  
she'll think ur lazy! -JW

Let her come to her own stupid deductions. It does not bother me, nor  
should it you if she is 'only a friend' as you have retorted. -SH

She is only a friend Sherlock, I just don't like my friends thinking  
were lazy. Especially you, because you're far from it! -JW

She's hardly cause to dress up John. It is a waste of my time and energy. -SH

Why don't you like her? She likes you! -JW

I do not like the way she looks at you, its uncomfortable. -SH

Right, so how does she look at me then? -JW

Your honestly telling me you have not noticed her wondering eyes and  
lustful sighs? -SH

No, Sherlock, I haven't. I've told her I'm with you, I dunno what more  
you want me to do! -JW

We could show her a public display of affection. That might make the  
situation more real. -SH

That's stupid! As much as I'd love to snog you in front of her, I  
don't think talk to me again and I won't be part in your childish game  
just because you're jealous. You know how I feel about you, and that  
won't change just because I'm friends with Sarah. -JW

It will not stop her making a pass at you. -SH

It should do, but if it doesn't then ill make sure if she does to  
avoid it. I've only got eyes for you Sherlock, no one else. -JW

I am a man, John. You were interested in women and only women untill I  
met you. I'm sure that you will get bored of me soon enough. -SH

Don't be stupid Sherlock! Don't you think there's a reason behind me  
being with you? I've never been with a man in my life! And I've never  
wanted to until you! You are special, I doubt I could ever get bored  
of you, now don't talk silly! -JW

I suppose. -SH

Now are you going to get dressed or am I gunna have to come up there? -JW

I think your going to have to come up John. I can't seem to find any  
clothes. What a shame. -SH

Cheek! Bloody tease you are! -JW

How can I be deemed a tease if I'm encouraging you to do something about it? -SH

Sarah will be over soon, I don't want her catching us...you know. -JW

You have 20 minutes. That's more than enough time. If you start  
walking the stairs now we will have progressively more. -SH

On my way handsome. -JW

John, what have I told you about pet names? -SH

You don't complain when I call you them in bed ;) -JW

That is because my mind is occupied on other things. Hurry up, John.  
Its awfully cold in the nude. -SH

God! Don't do that to me, nearly fell up the stairs! -JW

Only you could fall up the stairs. -SH

Well if you didn't put images in my head then I couldn't have tripped! -JW

Why fantasize when you could have the real thing? -SH

Were getting escalators or a lift! Damn leg! You could have come down  
you know? -JW

And risk being caught naked and writhing by Sarah? By all means. I  
would not have a problem, it is you I fear for. -SH

Your lack of concern is astounding. -JW

Well maybe if she saw me pounding into you she would know that you are mine. -SH

God, that's such a turn on. Other than you naked of course...-JW

Do hurry. I am considerably colder. -SH

Oh, I know a way to warm you up. Trust me, I'm a doctor ;) -JW

Thanks for reading! :D

If you have any suggestions, I'd love to write them :) xXx

Chapter 48: Wearing The Metaphorical Trousers  
48: Wearing The Metaphorical Trousers.

Home. Now. -JW

You need to make up your mind, John. One minute you want to out of the flat to fetch something as mundane as milk, and then you proceed to order me back home. You understand I have no likeness to a dog. -SH

It doesn't take that long to get milk does it? You must be talking to someone...who are you talking to? -JW

If you must know it is Lestrade. He has a new case (around a 3) which he asked my input on seeing as I have be told quite colourfully not to leave the flat. He caught me at a rare impasse. -SH

Ask him how him how is 'little problem' is...he'll be squirming in no time! -JW

I fail to see why you would want to make the man feel so uncomfortable by sharing what he told you out of confidence. -SH

If it stops him talking to you so you can get your arse home quicker I don't care! -JW

I cannot comprehend the reasoning behind your sudden bout of possessiveness, John. -SH

It's not 'possessiveness' your not a bloody toy! It's just we haven't spoken in days because of some shittin case, and I feel like we don't spend enough time with each other anymore is all. You're free to leave whenever you want. -JW

Actually, you have aggressively told Gregory that if he so much as informs me of an interesting case you would castrate him. It's fair to say he was unusually nervous when asking my input on this current case. -SH

I'm not that scary! He needs to man-up! -JW

No. You are in fact quite terrifying when you are angry. Must be the past army training that was drummed into you to act on aggression. -SH

It's kinda funny that you've just admitted to being scared of me haha! -JW

Wrong. I admitted that you can be quite fearless upon your heated state, I did not retort anything regarding my feelings at the said time. -SH

Shame. It's just Greg then :/ -JW

Gregory should have a tolerance by now seeing as Mycroft has a terrible temper. Mummy never approved. -SH

I can just imagine Greg obeying to Mycrofts beck and call! It's hilarious! -JW

I feel it to be the other way around, John. Have you witnessed how fast my brother reacts when he receives a text from Gregory. It's amusing. -SH

Next time your brother kidnaps me ill get Greg to tell him off haha! -JW

Would it not make more sense to ask Gregory to give my brother instruction not to take you to unknown destinations in the company car, at the most pressing of times? -SH

Yeah, guess that makes more sense...That milk'll be cold by the time you get home! -JW

Gregory is trying to coerce information of Mycroft's childhood stories from me. I am obliging out of sheer revenge. -SH

Yeah, we'll could you talk a bit faster and get him to take notes so you don't have to repeat yourself? -JW

I have expressed my need to leave, but promised to email him a list of childhood occurrences at a later date. -SH

Thank you. -JW

I seem to have insufficient funds on my credit card. This cannot be right. -SH

Do you want me to run mine down? -JW

No, John. I am about to phone my brother and have a fierce debacle over the reason he has deemed worthy to clear my bank for a idiotic display of power. -SH

Huh? -JW

My brother has cleared my bank account to ensure I experience humility at his expense seeing as I have done the same to him. He has obviously found out about Gregory knowing about Mr. Snuggles. -SH

Sorry it's a little short, my muse has left me today :/

Thanks for reading! :D

Chapter 49: The Addams Family,  
Part 49: The Addams Family.

TrekkieL -I will post your beautiful suggestion of another Anderson fic the next time I upload :) Thanks for the suggestion! :D xXx You're amazing!

TheWhoLockedSupernaturalist -I will be uploading your great fic idea too soon! :D Sorry about the wait :) xxx

I can't believe I talked you into this. -JW

I did tell you on many occasions how utterly stupid this idea was, yet you did not bother to listen. -SH

Okay, less of the insults...I cocked up, I realise that now. I can't even touch you without getting glared at! I swear my dad had a heart attack when he saw us holding hands! -JW

Maybe we should refrain from public displays of affection for the sake of your father? Has he a history of heart disease? -SH

No, I'm not holding back who I am just because he can't deal with it! We BOTH were invited over so he'll have to deal with it. -JW

It was obviously your mother who sent the invitation. Your father had no say in the matter. What I cannot comprehend is how distasteful he finds you to be when he clearly still favours your sister despite her sexuality. -SH

It's because he's a bloke. Blokes like women, and two women together...well you get the picture...-JW

Not all 'blokes' do. I'm sure. It still makes no sense, he cannot object to it that extent. -SH

He can, and he will. I was in the army, I made him proud for once...and now, well, I shouldn't have bothered. I should have listened to you. I'm sorry. -JW

No, I am sorry. Im sure your father is being irrational at the minute, it will just take him some time to adjust to the idea. -SH

No, he's not like that. He's never liked 'gays'...god the amount of taunting he gave people when I was younger, or when I liked something that wasn't considered 'manly enough'. That's the whole reason I went in the army in the first place. -JW

His opinion is invalid, John. Don't despair your mother is over the moon to learn that you have found someone. -SH

Mm, sorry I'll be down in a minute. I feel bad leaving you with my family, but if I stayed in there any longer my dad would have a broken nose and I doubt that would have gone down well. -JW

It's fine John. Take as long as you need. Your sister's increasing drunken state Is distracting your father for the time being. -SH

Joy...we better go before the big arguments start. -JW

I take it, this a regular occurrence then? -SH

Of course, my family is tainted to hell! They make The Addams Family look normal! -JW

You clearly have not been properly acquainted with mine. -SH

Oh I have and I'd choose your touchy-feely aunt over my family any day...apart from my mum of course, shes the only sane one out of the lot! -JW

Aunt Havisham is quite the lady. -SH

Ahw, and your uncles kid is just adorable! -JW

Richard took quite the shine to you, although your cooing at him made Aunt Petunia's face distort in an alarming way. -SH

Well a baby needs a good cooing! He's only little and they're talking to him like an adult, no wonder he's a cheeky bugger, all those long words, Christ knows what they're saying...even I don't know what half of them mean! -JW

Your presence was quite amusing. I've never seen anyone try so hard to be nice. It was disconcerting. -SH

What can I say, I have that affect on people! -JW

I think it's time you unlocked yourself from the lavatory and faced your family. They are asking me questions which I haven't cleared the correct responses with you first. -SH

Ah, don't worry about it, just tell em the truth, I'm doomed to be outcast anyway, why not go down swinging eh? -JW

Are you vacating the restroom? You're Uncle would like to relieve himself. -SH

Eurgh! Far too much information Sherlock! Coming out now, I'll make some excuse and we'll leave. -JW

You're family home isn't a den of iniquity, John. -SH

No but it's less fun than any 'den of iniquity' I've ever been to! That's for sure! -JW

Do I want to ask? -SH

No. Probably not...They'd give your Aunt Havisham a run for her money...-JW

Now that I can not believe. Maybe she taught them all her worldly wisdom? -SH

That's one way of putting it ;) -JW

A big HI! to all my lovely new readers and a massive THANK YOU! to all my regulars (I make it sound like a pub! If it were it be handing out free drinks to you guys! ;) xXx

Chapter 50: Doubts  
Part 50: Doubts.

This one was suggested by the beautifully talented TrekkieL :D

The cause of death was asphyxiation. -A

I knew that after 10 minutes at the crime scene. Tell me something I don't know. -SH

Getting slow there freak, normally takes you about 5. -A

It is still a considerable amount less than the 3 hours it took you to come up with one piece of information, that even John could tell easily by looking. -SH

When do you not being John in a conversation? Is that all you think about! We have a murder, freak, it needs solving. Not you pinning over what you can never have. -A

As a matter of fact me and John are together. We have been for quite sometime. Do keep up Anderson. -SH

He must have been ashamed of it or something cos he hasn't told anyone. But I guess I'd be ashamed too if I had anything to do with you freak. -A

The whole of Scotland Yard is aware. Have you been under the metaphorical rock these past three months? -SH

No, just busy with work. Maybe you should try it sometime instead of tossing cases away like you're below them. -A

I disregard cases when they prove boring. It gives petty little brains like yours a work out. God knows you need it. -SH

If they're that easy why don't you solve them straight away? I'm sure John would be glad for the time apart. It's like your smothering him...he'll be leaving you soon enough. -A

If I wanted relationship advice, you are the one person I would avoid. The only person you could get close too was Donavan when she was heavily intoxicated with alcohol, and the regret was practically oozing from her. -SH

You're only jealous, freak. -A

Far from it. I have John. He is all I need. -SH

Yeah, and he apparently needs that receptionist he's been seeing cos your bit enough. -A

He has done nothing of the sort. Just because you cannot satisfy anyone does not mean I am in any way the same. -SH

At least none of mine ran away. -A

This is getting incorrigible. You are being utterly facetious, and oblivious I might add. John did not run away from me, he was having symptoms of a panic attack. Something at the crime scene triggered it. Most likely the position the corpses were in, suggesting torture. -SH

Yeah, yeah. Like I'd believe that, freak. -A

Think what you will, although don't speak aloud or you may lower the IQ of the whole of Scotland Yard. I'd hate to have to re-acquaint myself with the new employees that aren't as imbecilic as you seem to be. -SH

Say what you want, but I know your game. When we find you out, and we will, I'll be the first to have my go at beating you down. -A

Good luck with that, Anderson. -SH

Have you seen John with any women lately? Do not feel disinclined to answer, nothing will become of this information. -SH

No, Sherlock. Why? You think he's having an affair? If you do you clearly don't know John. -GL

Thank you. I was testing a suspicion. -SH

Look, I know I'm his friend, but that was the gods honest truth. -GL

I am aware. John is truly useless at keeping things from me. I thought I may have missed something, I am mistaken. -SH

What's brought this up then? -GL

I do not wish to discuss this topic any further. It is unfair on John. -SH

I agree, but Sherlock, just trust him alright? I know him, he'd be too guilty is anything had happened, he'd have told you by now. -GL

That is a possibility. -SH

No, it's the truth. -GL

John, are you having intimate encounters with the scrawny receptionist from the surgery? -SH

No! of course not! why? -JW

No reason. -SH

Well there must be a reason Sherlock! I'm not cheating on you, and whoever's put that idea in your head needs their eyes tested! -JW

I believe you. I had to test a theory. -SH

Good, cos you know id never do that. You know you're special to me right? -JW

You have told me on many occasions. You express too much sentiment, John. -SH

Well that just me, I can't help it. Especially when I'm around you babe. -JW

What would it take to rid you of these hideous terms if endearment? -SH

Nothing, sexy. I like calling you them, it's my way of owning you, I know you like it. -JW

One day we will be in the presence of Gregory or my brother and you will slip up, causing a terribly embarrassing ordeal. -SH

Is treasure the look on your face for decades! -JW

I'm glad one of us finds it amusing. -SH

Chapter 51: Heart Shaped Glasses  
Part 51:Heart Shaped Glasses.

This idea was suggested by TheWhoLockedSupernaturalist! (By the way, I adore the name) who is currently starting a new Johnlock fic, check out her profile for more :) xxx

Also TrekkieL has updated a couple more chapters for her fic 'St Bart's Boarding School (Johnlock')  
which I love! xXx

I am aware that this chapter isn't exactly Johnlock texts per say...BUT Sherlock is texting Moriarty/Adler in order to set John free, so technically it is AND John does text Sherlock twice to show he's still alive as well as him being the topic of conversation throughout. :)

Hello sexy.  
John and I are at Angelo's waiting for you.  
Since I asked you for dinner and you declined I thought I'd bring the  
dinner to you. Do hurry, John is currently turning an alarming shade  
of blue...and boy does it suit his blue eyes. -IA

John is at work. Do not play games with me. -SH

Tut, tut, Sherlock. You really are a silly little goose, aren't you?  
John never made it to work today. I'm surprised you hadn't noticed, he  
can't be that relevant to go missing unnoticed. You should take more  
notice of the poor dear. -IA

Forgive me for not believing you. Good day. -SH

Phone the shit hole he works in. Go on baby, phone them. They'll tell  
you exactly what I'm telling you...unless they've told you already and  
you were too...busy. -IA

You are telling the truth. That is a revelation. -SH.

Don't beat yourself up sexy, it's not a good look on you. Especially  
when you screw your face up in disgust...yes that's right, I'm  
watching you baby. How rude of you not to put on a show. -IA

Quit the semantics, if I attend this 'dinner' will you let John go? -SH

Of course my dear. You only have to turn up in that gorgeous purple  
shirt you're wearing (it looks divine on you by the way) and John will  
be sent on his merry way...-IA

Are you holding the customers hostage? -SH

Of course not! Poor Angelo had a family emergency and had to rush off  
last minute, subsequently closing his restaurant. Now what will it be  
Mr. Holmes? -IA

I should have guessed. I am on my way. Do not touch him, I want him  
unharmed. -SH

Ahw, protective of your pet are we? I must say you're doing a very  
poor job of it right now. Ah, well, I'm happy to help cutey here get  
some well deserved attention from you. -IA

John is irrelevant. Let him go. -SH

Not until I see that pretty little face. Those cheekbones are to die  
for, I can't wait to see them again. Or whip them. I'm still  
undecided. -IA

I'm here. I do not see you. -SH

I'm surprised Sherlock. Really surprised. You fell for it, he told me  
you would, but I wouldn't believe him...yet there you are. John must  
mean an awful lot to you sexy. Run. -IA

He? Who is he? -SH

I told you to run. You didn't listen. Now you will pay. Don't ever say  
I didn't warn you Sherlock. -IA

Turn around. -JM

Could you not use other means of communication? This is getting  
tediously exhausting. -SH

Oh, I don't think so...where's the fun in that! -JM

Where is John. -SH

John's safe at the moment, but that all depends on you. Do you see the  
laptop? -JM

Yes. -SH

Go to it. -JM

I have been for quite a while now. Do hurry up, I have appointments to keep. -SH

You seem to be forgetting I have the upper hand here, Sherlock. Not  
you, if daddy wants to play, daddy plays. -JM

How do I know this isn't another trick? No doubt you paid Irene Adler  
a considerable amount to contact me seeing as she is in hiding. -SH

That is of un importance. Turn the laptop on Sherlock. Now. -JM

No. I want confirmation. I want to hear John's voice, a text, a  
visual, anything. Give it to me and I will do as you ask. -SH

I don't like negotiations, but I will give you this once...after all,  
good old-fashioned villains let their victims beg for mercy, and I'd  
quite like to hear John beg...wouldn't you? -JM

No. Do not hurt him. I do not require such monotonous acts, they are  
repetitive after a while. The same pleas. I wish to see him. -SH

Turn on the computer and you will. Just this once can you do as I ask!  
I was going to let you see this quivering heap all along! Do catch up!  
-JM

What have you done to him? Why isn't he moving? -SH

Look closer Sherlock. I made sure the picture was grainy so you  
couldn't deduce much, but he is moving. I assure you. -JM

How do I know this isn't pre-recorded? That you haven't killed him already? -SH

Sentiment has changed you Sherlock. You are becoming irritating!  
Incorrigible! Ill get him to text you, you will see it clearly on the  
screen. I just hope he isn't too damaged to use a phone. -JM

I'm fine get lestrade don't worry about me be safe JW

I will find you John, I promise. -SH

You always kept your promises JW

Andddddd cue scene! That was SO dramatic...sooo heart  
wrenching...soooo utterly powerless. Does it make you feel better  
knowing he's ready to die for you Sherlock? -JM

I will find you. I will kill you. -SH

Now, now. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. You have 30 minutes to  
decipher the code on the table before you...or Johnny-Boy dies. Tick  
Tock Sherlock. -JM

Don't you touch him! -SH

Its hard not to Sherlock...have you seen what he's hiding underneath  
those jumpers...what am I saying...of course you have! -JM

Don't. -SH

Clocks ticking. Surely you'd want him to live? Concentrate. -JM

What is the point of this? -SH

It's a test. -JM

A test for what outcome? -SH

To see if you could bare seeing poor little Johnny being manhandled  
long enough for him to die. -JM

That makes no sense. -SH

25 minutes. I wouldn't waste them if I were you...the best code  
breaker in the world couldn't crack this one. -JM

Then how do you expect me to? -SH

You have incentive. Can you feel the adrenaline? Can you taste it? I  
can taste John if I wanted to...are you gunna watch him live, or are  
you gunna watch him die? -JM

20 minutes left. John here's getting restless. -JM

Give me time! -SH

10 minutes. Wondering how long it would take to clean the blood  
splatters off of these white walls. I do hate stains. -JM

Stop distracting me! -SH

I am sorry. I really am, watching John die because you were so  
incredibly thick must sting a little...-JM

5-JM

4-JM

3-JM

2-JM

MONARK! -SH

That's the answer. Let him go. I've solved your puzzle. Let John go. -SH

Well, well. Aren't you the clever one. Ill let him live this time  
Sherlock, but do not think for a second this is over...after all, I do  
get terribly bored. -JM

It's okay Sherlock, I'm okay. He's gone. Thank you -JW

John put the phone down! It might be radioactive, he would not leave  
you with means of contact for no reason. Get to the nearest pay phone  
and call Lestrade. I will meet you. Go! -SH

John is going to call you in the next five minutes from a pay phone.  
As soon as he gives his location find him. You will need to send an  
ambulance. -SH

Bloody hell. Okay, what are you gunna do? -GL

Clean the flat for when John returns, it's a terrible mess. John most  
definitely would not approve. -SH

Right...Ill call you the second we have him.-GL

Thanks for reading! :D xXx

Haleycat1120- The next update will be more of the family being incorporated into these ficlets as you so wonderfully suggested! :D xxx

evenshire1945- Your adorable suggestion is noted and I will write it soon! :D (Will be updated after the one above) xxx

Chapter 52: Incredibly Charming  
Part 52: Incredibly Charming

This idea came from Haleycat1120, so thanks! :D

evenshire1945, Guest, SherlockNinja & CSIbakerstreet221b -All of your suggestions will be posted one after the other each time I update :D thanks for giving me such beautiful suggestions! xxx

Just so you are aware, John had a minor altercation today with a gang  
of foul mouthed youths. To the best of my knowledge one of said  
adolescent's was in possession of a K8-45 as well as a pocket knife.  
John disarmed them of their weapons and is currently continuing his  
shopping. -MH

Did you not think it appropriate to intervene Mycroft? -SH

The situation was being handled; very well I might add. At no point  
would I have seen fit to intervene. -MH

John can handle himself in what could be considered a difficult  
situation, I have no doubt he could handle a handful of misguided  
youths, but the fact that you had no inclination to offer your  
services is appalling. -SH

Think what you will brother, but John had the situation under an  
immense amount of control. -MH

Regardless, you idly stood by whilst John was under attack. My John.  
That is quite ridiculous Mycroft, I will be informing mummy. -SH

Try not to be so dramatic Sherlock, as you will see upon John's  
arrival, he remains unscathed. No course for contacting Mummy. -MH

Even so, this could have proved unsatisfactory and possibly to the  
hooded vigilantes favour. I suggest you monitor John's travels closely  
for the foreseeable future in return for compliments from Mummy. -SH

You win this time brother, but there will be an occasion in which you  
will find my decisions quaint. -MH

Highly doubt able. -SH

Mycroft speaks of an altercation between you and some youths. Are you okay? -SH

I'm fine Sherlock, you needn't worry. If I could infiltrate an army  
base in afghanistan I can most surely handle a coupla teenagers! -JW

They had weapons, John. -SH

Yes, and they wouldn't have used them. It was just to scare me long  
enough to pass over my wallet. Its nothing. -JW

My brother is quite frustratingly useless! -SH

Ah, don't be hard on him, he has enough on his plate without getting  
shot/stabbed saving his brothers so-called army friend. -JW

On the contrary, I feel his failure to acknowledge the situation  
distasteful. -SH

He asked if I was okay, that's more than enough! -JW

It is at your discretion John. Would you like me to scald my brother  
further? -SH

No I don't! He's fine Sherlock, I'm fine, just leave it at that eh? -JW

If you insist but I require a full account of events upon your arrival. -SH

If I have to...-JW

You most certainly do, and I will be accompany you to all future trips  
for milk. -SH

No you bloody aint! -JW

Why not, John. This seems the most active form of retaliation. -SH

No, no it really aint. I'm not a baby Sherlock, I can look after  
myself you know. I did. -JW

I will think of an alternative course of action. -SH

Yes, do that! And whilst your at it make me a cuppa will ya, I'm parched! -JW

I am not your slave, John. -SH

No, but you do a good impression of one, chop chop. -JW

Will the purchase of a bell be necessary? -SH

Har-bloody-har! Stop stalling, I'm nearly home and I deserve a cuppa  
after what I've been through ;) -JW

You have just reiterated that it was 'no big deal' and now you are  
changing your mind. -SH

Well if it gets me a cuppa out of it ill milk it! My feet are killing me! -JW

I stress that this is a rare occurrence. -SH

You betta make a bloody good tea then! -JW

A big shout out to TrekkieL - I hope your exam goes well! xXx

Chapter 53: Just A Car Crash Away  
Part 53: Just A Car Crash Away.

Suggested by evenshire1945 /CSIbakerstreet221b :D xxx

Ca Venetia -Thank's for suggearing a fic idea! :D I'll upload as soon as I've completed some other requests :) xxx

How is your night out with Gregory? No altercations I hope. -SH

Fffiiiiiiiiiiinee

I take it you have taken it upon yourself to see whom may get the most intoxicated quickest. You should have invited me, I would have drawn up data. -SH

Noooooooooooooo udd tul mey owf

Contrary to popular belief. I am not your mother. -SH

Yuhhhh lukk gud inn drusssss

I highly doubt that. I'd hardly find a cause to dress in drag John. Do be serious. -SH

Grug esssss drnkk

I guessed as much. -SH

Eyyys drnkerr dannnn mey

I believe you could hold your liquor in opposition with Gregory, seeing as you have more of a tolerance to alcohol, seeing as you consume it weekly. -SH

Lyukkkk eyt Gruggg duncinn

Gregory is dancing? Really, John? Have you taken it upon yourself to take video evidence for me? -SH

Yussss eytsss funee

I'm sure it is. Where might Gregory be dancing? -SH

Onnnn daa tublee

He is dancing on the table? What sort of establishment are you in, John? I'm quite sure standard pubs despise rowdy behaviour such as the desecration of furniture. -SH

Barre mun luffinnnnnn

He seems a little too laid back. I'm sure he is weeks away from being reprimanded. -SH

Weyyy lykke hum

What is the name of this BarMan? I am taking it upon myself to make sure he is dealt with. You haven't approached him have you? -SH

Nuuuuh Grugg gut drnksss

Oh. That is good. Do not speak to him John, leave Gregory to do the talking. -SH

Wuhhy

He is distasteful and unprofessional. I do not want him looking at you in a lecherous manner. -SH

Yuhh juleos

Quite. Get Gregory to contact me, I would like a word with him. -SH

Kkkkkkk

YUASSSS

Ah, Gregory. You seem to have forgotten our deal. You were aloud to accompany John on a night like this as long as you kept an eye on him. Now, this BarMan he speaks of seems to be acting below the standards of his profession. I would like it if you were to handle all interaction with said man, and make sure John does not come into contact with him. -SH

YUASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Do you comprehend what I am asking of you? -SH

TYYYYYUKIIUUUUUSSSASSSS

Doubtful. This is of paramount importance Gregory. Sober up. -SH

UUUUYYUR JOLOOOOS

I am nothing of the sort. This mans descriptions seems inept and I wish him not to leer at John from afar. -SH

BLUOWWWKE NUTET GUAYY

Got to hear. Please keep an eye on John and this monotonous barman's interactions. Keep them at a distance at all times. -SH

WTVERRRRRRRRRRR

John, tell Gregory to answer my texts with seriousness. His ridiculously incompetent replies are starting to become incorrigible. -SH

Heyyyy sluiep noweeew

What a surprise. How are you planning on getting home? -SH

Ckjarrr

There is no way in which you could operate a motor vehicle successfully in your current state. -SH

Waynaaa duvee grugggds cuerrr

Under no circumstances are you to go behind the wheel. Do you understand me John? You will cause an accident as well as I hiring yourself and countless others, and spend a considerable amount of time in prison with the sentence of drink driving. -SH

Buytrtt eyyyy wanneraaaa

I think it will be best for both parties if I take a cab and make sure you get home safely. -SH

Purteyyyy puoppprer

No. I am being a sensible partner, making sure that the man I hold dear does not come to any harm. -SH

Aheywwww uyoooow lubvvv meyyyyt uyw wayunaa kusssss meyyyy

Thank you for that incomprehensible verse. Now, are you still in The Admiral's Arms? -SH

Mubueyyyyyy

John. This is of grave importance. Where are you? -SH

Huerrrryre

Yes, of course your there. My query was as to where might 'there' be. -SH

Nuyttt derrrr huyherr

You are beginning to annoy me greatly John. I will put a stop to these drunken nights with Gregory if you do not answer sensibly. I am aware that it is challenging with that much alcohol present in your veins, but try. -SH

Urnbdnnnnmmmmm

Even I could not understand that utterance. -SH

Yruss

Yes, what? -SH

Yuhgsss eymmm ireyn dayt purvvvb

Well done, John. Now sit tight and make sure Gregory does not try to do anything that could inflict harm upon you. -SH

Kcayuuy

I am attending all future nights out with you. I am aware of your objections but it would prove cheaper in the long run, as well as considerably safer. -SH

Nkoooowwwwww

We can discuss this when you have a clear head. -SH

Yyuhuyrrr evuillll

I am not 'evil'. I am just increasingly worried about you when you are in a comatose state due to alcohol. Gregory does not seem to be of any help in guarding your safety and I am sick with worry of what disillusioned idea you come up with next to harm yourself without my presence. -SH

Humfff yuore nokww furrrn

You can still have a generous amount of fun in my company. I will remain quiet and refrain from giving views on your stupid tasks as long as they are deemed safe. -SH

Lutkee samburrkaaa

Well, obviously you can divulge in drinking Sambuka if you wish. Provided you diminish the flames first. -SH

Guuuuhd uooore nuhrrt daaayt borung

Thank you. I am glad you think so John. Now I am within the vicinity, where might you be? -SH

Uynudurrr tayuburhlll

Obviously. -SH

Next upload...Jealous!Sherlock: Suggested by a Guest :) xx

Chapter 54: This Means War  
Part 54: This Means War.

Jealous!Sherlock was suggested by a Guest, so thank you for that! :D xxx

A/N: There is going to be two updates today as I have so many lovely prompts that I can't wait to write/upload them...but also because a re-run of Sherlock Series 2 is going to be starting tonight at 8pm on BBC2 (it was meant to be on last week but because the Tennis ran over they postoned it till the next week which is today!) The BBC have also tweeted that the episode name for the first ep for Series 3 will be imbedded in the titles of all three episodes so watch out! (They said that the title is in the tiles) :D xxxx

Who is the imbecile drunk at our table? And why may I ask, is he grouping your shoulder. -SH

How should I know! -JW

Well, I left our table to walk up to the bar approximately 45 seconds ago, and now there Is an annoying pre-pubescent drunkard there. Didn't you think to ask him name before you let him touch you? -SH

He's only been her 45 seconds according to you! And he's come here on a dare, his mates said that he was too chicken to go chat up the 'fit bloke on his lonesome' -JW

1 minute and 12 seconds now. I do agree with his friends on the other hand. They may be ridiculously annoying and vocal, but they're eye sight clearly isn't impaired. -SH

Thanks hunny ;) -JW

Will you ever take my opinions as gospel? -SH

Nope...now where's my pint? What are you doing? Chatting up the barmaids? Tut,tut. -JW

No. As a matter of fact there is a considerably amount of people before me to get served. This is really tedious. I have exclaimed that the service would prove faster if they had more staff on. -SH

I bet they took that well didn't they? A toff like you telling em what to do! -JW

Indeed. She told me quite a colourful rejoinder about my inheritance and then proceeded to tell me to 'piss off'. -SH

Ahwwww poor baby! -JW

Seize these degrading pet names John or I will make it a challenge to cause a scene. I know how you despise me being loud and obnoxious. -SH

Alright, alright. Can you try abs hurry up? This bloody bloke has brought his friends over and they're getting a little bit touchey-feely for my liking. -JW

I tried to inform you as much earlier, but quite obviously you decided to ignore me. Although the fact of some audacious stranger touching my property is infuriating. -SH

'Your property'!? Really Sherlock? Alright I didn't think you'd get jealous, but territorial? You betta come save me then ;) -JW

I am trying, John. This facetious woman is completing my order at the slowest possible speed as penance for my earlier comments. -SH

Haha! That teaches you! -JW

Please tell that delirious sloth to remove his filthy hand away from your persons now before I take my frustrations out on him. -SH

I've been batting his hand away for the best part of 5 minutes now, I don't think he's getting it. -JW

Would you like me to come and physically remove the pest? -SH

Nahh, he's fine. Not doing any harm, he's just a very talkative drunk. -JW

Your opinions are exceedingly contradictory John. One minute you are expressing your distaste, the second you are saying it's 'fine'. -SH

Yeah, well. Poor sods mates are taking the piss outta him cos he's the only bleeder that ain't pulled. -JW

Oh, I wonder as to why that is so? I hope you have told him your marital status. -SH

Of course I've told him I'm taken, but he keeps making up that you've left me quite a long time and probably done a runner. I told him you're at the bar and you can't have cos your texting me and now he's crying into my chest on how shit his life is...-JW

The nerve of some people, John. Even when intoxicated you still have some control over your body, he is obviously exaggerating his emotions In order to get closer to you. The incorrigible bastard. -SH

Oh, come off it Sherlock. He can hardly control his speech let alone his actions, poor kid. Not everyone is a genius like you and actually think strategically about things.-JW

Now you are defending him! Keep him at a distance, John. I mean it. -SH

Alright, bloody hell I'm trying! He can barely hold up his head, nearly found it in my lap a minute ago, Christ, lucky I have quick reflexes. -JW

JOHN! Move away from him this instant! -SH

I can't just leave him here! His mates have buggered off Christ knows where and he's hardly in any state to be left alone. Sides, we'll loose our table. -JW

Sod the table John! This adolescent is clearly taking it upon himself to win over your affections, when has as such he will strike! -SH

You make him sound like a sodding snake! He's just a drunk boy Sherlock. I'm calling him a cab now. -JW

I suppose you're paying for this tax,i aren't you? -SH

No, actually! He's got his own money...-JW

John, what is happening now? I cannot see as I'm finally being served and there is a large wooden beam in my line of sight. -SH

Now Sherlock, when I tell you this try and stay calm aright. Wait for the drinks and don't come storming over, okay? -JW

Tell me. NOW. -SH

He tried to kiss me, BUT I pushed him away before he got close enough okay? So it didn't really happen, just don't do anything rash, alright? -JW

I TOLD YOU! I explicitly told you this would happen, John! But would you listen, NO. I'm going to kill him. No, I'm going to torture him first THEN kill him. He has infuriated me now. I'm coming over. DO NOT MOVE, and keep that inbreeded pleb there. -SH

Sherlock, there's no need to be like that. Alright I'm mad at him for trying that with me but fact is it didn't happen. Just wait till you get the drinks, Christ knows I'm gunna need em now. -JW

Are you insinuating you need alcohol to tolerate me? -SH

No! Don't be stupid Sherlock! I'm saying I'm gunna need alcohol to deal with the fight that's about to break out with you and Sean. -JW

Oh. It's 'Sean' now is it! I hope you and Sean are very happy together. -

Sherlock, stop this right now. This isn't my fault, I didn't lead him on at all! Can we just forget this and have a quiet drink like we planned? Please? -JW

I am aware, John, but this secreable impertinent deserves to know how odious I find his actions, and if I have to use force I will! -SH

And how exactly is you having a punch up 'quiet'? -JW

Sherlock! Turn around, don't you dare cone over here, you look practically fuming! I can see the smoke coming out of your ears. -JW

Don't be obtuse. He is in aid of a good talking to. -SH

Yeah, talking, no shouting, punching or kicking, alright? -JW

I am not making promises that I know full well I cannot keep, that would be foolish of me as well as a waste of breath. -SH

Well you can turn right around now then, can't ya. Wait by the bar and I'll meet you. -JW

No. -SH

SHERLOCK! -JW

Greg, if you get a call about a bar disturbance down in V's its Sherlock. Could you possibly come down by yourself, don't worry it's just Sherlock. Not a gang. Try not to bring Anderson or Donavan if you can help it, doubt Sherlock would want em witnessing this. -JW

Alright mate, calls just come in. What the bloody hell has he done now!? -GL

Some drunkard tried to kiss me and he's taking matters into his own hands...well fists to be precise. Two guys have tried to pull him off and he's pushed em both back and they ain't exactly happy now either. Sorry bout this mate. -JW

Shit. Protective one is he? Cor, betta make sure I don't pat you on the back again, last time he gave me the filthiest look known to man! -GL

You might wanna get here quick, this blokes friends are back and their pissed and not in the drunk way...-JW

Nearly there, brought a uniform copper with me as well encase things get out of hand, I know you could probably talk him down but you know. -GL

S'alright. It's over now. I grabbed Sherlock and dragged him outside, he's calming down. I'm gunna give him a bollocking, text ya later mate. Thanks. -JW

Film it for me yeah? -GL

In ya dreams! -JW

Worth a try! -GL

Chapter 55: Of Couples & Clothing  
Part 55: Of Couples & Clothing.

This prompt was given to me by SherlockNinja! I think the idea of John/Sherlock sharing clothes is cute...and I do love Sherlock's collar bone! (Weird I know) :) xx

John, have you seen my scarf anywhere? I seem to have misplaced it unfortunately. -SH

Erm, well this is embarrassing...-JW

Why on earth would the location of my scarf be deemed as 'embarrassing'? -SH

Well...I kinda borrowed it. -JW

Yes. I gathered, that still does not explain your use of the term embarrassing. -SH

It's a very couplet thing to do, you know, borrow clothes and stuff. You said you didn't see the point in it so I thought you'd be annoyed that I took your scarf. -JW

Do I seem annoyed to you? No. I simply would like to know its whereabouts as I need to wear it due to unpredictability of the weather, as you have probably noticed. -SH

Well, I kinda took it without thinking this morning, I mean, of course I was thinking, you can't shut of your mind can you? You told me even dreaming is using your brain and that's when we're meant to be resting so it doesn't really get a break. -JW

You are rambling, John. I dispose how people feel the need to express a heap of unimportant facts and still not explain the matter at hand. Where is my scarf? -SH

I just told you, I took it this morning before I went to work, it was cold and I don't have a scarf, and it was there, and it smelt of you. Now I sound like a teenage girl...I know. But you've been distant these past few days cos of the case, and well I didn't think you'd need it. -JW

So you have it on your persons? I will just have to go out without it then, it is not mandatory for me to wear said item. Before you start to apologise profusely, It's fine, John. Really. -SH

Yes, and oh okay. I'll wash it or whatever, I'll give it to you when I get home tonight...should be around 7pm. Not sure yet though, might be early of late. -JW

No...it's fine. No need to wash it, as you mentioned before it will smell of you. It will have a practical purpose on stopping me from engaging in an act if violence against Anderson. You're presence generally helps, but a scarf will do. -SH

I'm really glad you said that! You have no idea how stupid I've felt, I know it's a girly thing or whatever but its just reassuring, you know. Anyway, I'll let you get off, see you tonight. Xx -JW

Shit! Ignore the kisses/x's I didn't mean to add them, just did it subconsciously. Sorry! -JW

As I retorted before, John. It is fine. If you feel the need to express you're current emotions with the aid of symbolic kisses, so shall it be. -SH

Okay...why are you being so, I dunno...nice? About this. Not that in complaining of whatever, I just wanna know if you're okay. -JW

I have hit my daily quote of usage for the lexis of 'fine' today, now I loathe the word. -SH

So does that mean there's a reason behind this like last time, when you burnt a hold in the kitchen table with that bloomin acid, cos if it is, just come out and say it so I can grab a catalogue on the way home. -JW

I have your beige coloured wollen jumper. -SH

You what? Why've you got that?-JW

No, erase that, what are you doing with it? It's not for a bloody experiment again is it? Cos you can buy me a new one! Why don't you use the stuff in your own wardrobe!? -JW

No, no. Your assumption is incorrect as always, John. I simply borrowed it much like you with my scarf. -SH

Sorry, are you saying you're wearing my jumper? If you are PLEASE get someone to take a picture! -JW

No, I am wearing it around my neck in place of my stolen scarf. -SH

The thing with text is I can't hear your tone of voice so I dunno If that's you being sarcastic or not...-JW

Yes it was me being sarcastic, and no I am not giving you photo evidence. I dread to think where it would end up. -SH

Hahaha! I'm just imagining you with my jumper wrapped round you're neck as a scarf! Bloody hilarious! Mrs. Hudson has just come in and asked me what's so funny...she didn't find it near as funny as I do! -JW

That's because you find near enough everything funny. -SH

Please send me a picture of you in my jumper! -JW

No. -SH

Pretty pleaseeeeee! I'm trying to imagine it but all I can think of is you in a shrunken jumper that's like a crop top...-JW

You're imagination is quite accurate. -SH

All the more reason for you to send me this picture! -JW

You will see for yourself when I arrive home. -SH

Yeah...but you might be in bed and then I won't see it cos you'll be in your pyjamas...-JW

Good. It is not an appealing site. -SH

Then why are you wearing it in the first place? Surely Donavan and Anderson are gunna laugh at you when they see it! -JW

I do not open my coat to reveal my under-clothing. It is a simple resolution. -SH

You're no fun! I bet you it's exposing your clavicle ain't it? God I love that. It's one of my favourite things about your body. -JW

Is this some kind of sex texting initiation? I do not quite follow? -SH

Nope, just expressing my fondness of your collar bone...-JW

I wasn't aware that you were attached to it. You do spend a considerable amount of time kissing, licking, and grazing you're teeth over it though. I cannot believe I did not notice this before, John. It seems I have been ignorant. -SH

I wouldn't blame ya, we were both kind of busy at the time...you know, mind elsewhere and all that. -JW

Do you really have a liking to my clavicle? -SH

Yes...-JW

Okay. Maybe I will keep the jumper on. -SH

If I knew that was gunna be the outcome I woulda told you sooner! Will you still send me a picture? Pleaseeeeee -JW

No. Get on with you're work. -SH

Okay mum. -JW

Ca Venetia - Your idea is the next to be uploaded :D xxx

followed by evenshire1945 's, then Hedgehoginajumper 's, & Reflectiveless 's.

Chapter 56: Dressin' Up For You  
Part 56: Dressin' Up For You.

Suggested by Ca Venetia! :D xx

What are you going as then? -JW

What are you on about, John? You make no sense; and you are talking to me. So if I cannot comprehend it you have no hope. -SH

Thanks for that Mr. Genius. I mean the fancy dress party Molly's having, what are you dressing up as? -JW

Do you really think I was actually planning on attending this tedious event? You clearly do not know me. I would rather gouge my eye balls out if my sockets than watch adult act so childishly as to dress up in stupid clothing for no reason at all. -SH

Well...you're going cos I've already told her you are. Even Greg is! And Andersonnnnnn, you can take the piss outta him all night! C'monnn! -JW

No. -SH

For me then? Come on! You don't even have to dress up, you can laugh at everyone and that, it'll be fun! -JW

Your idea of 'fun' is clearly the opposite of mine. I am not attending this pointless event. -SH

Well you can tell Molly. -JW

I will have no problem informing her that fortunately we will not be present. -SH

Hold on a minute! I didn't say I weren't going! -JW

You can't be seriously considering going to this dismal function, are you? -SH

Yessss, it'll be hilarious! -JW

You will walk in, spend approximately 2 minutes laughing (give on extra minute for breaks between said outbursts). You will then find my earlier comments on how dull the event is to be attuned. Make up a lie as to why you need to leave; probably a terrible one as I know for a fact you are atrocious at creating false impressions. -SH

Yeah, but I've said I'll go, I can't go back in my word. -JW

You do it all the time to your supposed friends, when they ask to meet up. As well as with numerous 'dates' before our relationship began. Sentiment is really you're downfall, John. -SH

Yeah...well unlike you I can't exactly turn it off! -JW

Try. It is impeccably easy, especially to a bunch of imbeciles like Anderson. Molly is too sensitive about matters, try to be to the point fairly quickly. -SH

Can't you do it? -JW

7 minutes and 12 seconds ago you wanted to attend, now you want me to makes excuses for you. What will it be, John? -SH

I dunno! -JW

Well I suggest you make your deduction promptly, she is expecting you in 33 minutes and you have no costume to speak of. -SH

I could always go as myself, but that's a bit egotistical aint it? -JW

It amuses me how you use such formal lexis alongside abbreviations in an informal manner. -SH

Yeah...that. -JW

Are you going John? The proverbial clock is ticking. The literal one is currently in aid of batteries. -SH

Well why didn't you tell me that earlier, I coulda brought some in town! -JW

I think you should use this time wisely. You have 18 minutes and counting. -SH

Yeah, thanks for that! What are you a bloody stopwatch now! -JW

There is no need to take your frustrations out on me, John. Just stay in the flat with me, you could aid in my new experiment. -SH

Right, that's settled it then, I'm off out. -JW

You have no costume, and have 14 minutes to get to the destination; with the current traffic you will be approximately 11 minutes late. Molly despises in-promptness. -SH

Yeah, well, anythings better than twiddling my thumbs and watching you burn the place. -JW

You can note take my findings this time. -SH

Oooh! That's made it such a hard choice! Use a dictaphone or something Sherlock. -JW

I could, but I seem to work considerably better with your presence. -SH

As sweet as that is I'm gunna have to pass, sorry babe. I'll text you when I get there and ill give you updates as long as you're not busy. -JW

I am able to multi-task. Keep me posted, John. I find it pleasing to know of others misfortunes. Especially those of our so-called friends. -SH

Right, Mr. Super Villain... I'm off now, I'll be in there in a minute to kiss you goodbye. -JW

If you are having trouble with that blue tie I suggest you ask me to assist you, seeing as you are walking into the lounge anyway. -SH

Brilliant, just, bloody brilliant! -JW

Never seize to comment on my deductions, John. It makes me exceedingly placated. -SH

Oh, I won't don't worry! Plus I think it annoys Anderson too much so I do it all the more ;) -JW

My thoughts exactly. -SH

~~~~~~~An Hour Later~~~~~~~

I assume everything is going horrendously and you are too egotistical to express that I was, in fact, right. As always. -SH

You're right. See, I did it. -JW

Your short replies are also evidence of that fact. -SH

Please give me an excuse so I can leave! -JW

There is a limit of excusable ideas that I could concoct. Many of which I have eliminated due to the fact that most of our associates are in the room with you. -SH

Soooo, what's the other excuses then? -JW

One of which is an accident involving either me, Mrs. Hudson, or a member of your family. Another is you have been called into work, but considering Sarah has somehow managed to get invited to this tedious event it seems the most likely utterance to be called out upon as being false. -SH

Anymore that ain't that serious and I won't be called out on? -JW

I can make a call and express my haste in needing you for a case given to us by Mycroft? Although Gregory is in cahoots with him so there is a 65% chance that he will be told otherwise. -SH

Anything else? You know I hate lying. -JW

I could play the 'concerned-boyfriend' card and expressed how worried I could have been about a certain 'domestic' we could have had, and that I would like some time alone with you to rectify this. Preferably at this instant as we have little free time and the matter is of the upmost importance. -SH

Mmm, that's good, but I doubt they'll buy it. You don't come across as the concerned boyfriend type, they're never even seen us kiss in public. -JW

Yes, well I do not see the point in exposing our personal life so publicly to people who partly cannot be trusted. -SH

I'll say the one about a case with Mycroft, If Greg finds out he won't say anything anyway, it's not like he's having a whale of a time either. -JW

Would now be a good time to call? -SH

Yes, please. You know you're a saint don't ya! -JW

I very much doubt that. Calling you now. Be ready to present the look of shock as well as disappointment, but not overly disappointed. -SH

You're a life saver! -JW

[INCOMING CALL]

Hello? Sherlock, what's up?

Express shock now.

Really?

Now disappointment.

Oh, okay. If its urgent I suppose I'll have to.

You're a great method actor, John. If only I could see these looks of yours, I am assuming you have our acquaintances eating out the palm of your hand.

Of course. I'm leaving now.

What are you wearing? I do not recall if you changed once more before you left as I visited my mind palace.

Yes! I'm leaving now! Give me a minute, I haven't even got my coat yet...

You changed? What are you currently wearing?

This conversation is taking a weird turn...no! Not you Sarah, I'm speaking to Sherlock.

Stupid woman.

Sherlock...

I am only stating a fact.

I'm just gunna say bye and I'll meet you at the flat.

Hurry John. I have a surprise for you back at the flat.

Is he 6'1, dark haired, blue eyed and incredibly handsome?

Of course.

You vain bastard!

Next up...one of evenshire1945 's prompts for Valentines Day.

Chapter 57: If Today Was Your Last Day  
Part 57: If Today Was Your Last Day.

Okay, so I know I said I'd do a Valentines Day one, butttt I thought I'd save it and do a hurt/comfort one instead as it was popular :) Suggested by evenshire1945 & Ce venetia, they were both on the same wavelength! :D xx

Shit. Sherlock have u seen that taxi crash down in Strand? You were with John to Angelo's weren't ya, glad you missed it. -GL

Sherlock? -GL

Both yours and John's phones are off. Should I be worried? -GL

SHERLOCK! I swear If you don't reply I'll make sure Anderson is on every crime scene you come to for the next month! -GL

Myc, any idea where your brother is? There's been a taxi crash in Strand and Sherlock and John were heading that way. I'm worried. -GL

I will get his exact location. One moment, Gregory. -MH

Thanks, and call me Greg, I hate the name Gregory. -GL

I have been informed that both my brother and John have been involved in your previously described accident. Currently there are paramedics at the scene, Sherlock has minor injuries as the collision struck the left side; John's health on the other hand is more critical. There is speak of air-lifting but I am assured spectators are over-exaggerating. -MH

Christ. That's bloody awful...I hope they're okay, Jesus. Sorry, I just don't know what to say...-GL

I'm sure both parties will make a fast recovery. Not to worry. -MH

How can you be so...calm about this! He's your brother! -GL

Yes. I am aware, but worrying about him has never proved a worthy use of my time. People experience things and move on. -MH

You're honestly saying you are feeling nothing right now? When your brother could be half-dead? -GL

I do detest repeating myself. -MH

You bloody heartless bastard! -GL

You are untitled to your opinion. -MH

Both Sherlock and John are recovering well. Minor injuries. John's right arm was crushed upon impact so I doubt he will be 'blogging' anytime soon. What a tedious way to spend time, why would he want to share everyday life experiences with people who are going through the same things? How mundane and utterly pointless. -MH

Is that your attempt at an apology? Cos you kinda ruined it towards the end. -GL

I heard a lovely nurse running out of your room a second ago, everything alright? -JW

I am surprised you are typing so coherently with a broken wrist, and possible fractures on the radius and ulna. -SH

Nice way to avoid the question! It's a little difficult with one hand, especially holding the phone..at the moment it's resting on my cast...bit wobbly. Only bad thing is I take ages to reply. I know how much waiting for text annoys you. -JW

You are correct. Although under the circumstances I will contently turn a blind eye to your elongated replies. -SH

Don't I feel lucky! So, cough it up then...what happened with the nurse? -JW

I simply stated that attempting orgasms in the supply cupboard is both unhygienic and an utter waste of her vital time. Are you aware of how long it takes for someone to die from a heart attack? -SH

No, but I'm guessing you're about to tell me...-JW

Seconds. Depending on the severity. Some unfortunate under her supervision could have been neglected and possibly died within the time space of her miscellaneous events. -SH

Oh, she's young Sherlock, cut her some slack! -JW

As am you and I. We do not take time out from crime scenes to debauchee one another in darkened alleys. Both our time as well as the supposed nurses is valuable. -SH

True, but it's not like we ain't thought about it...remember The Leather Man? -JW

Oh, yes. I recall in great detail. It did not help matters that you have worn a pair of tight fitting leather trousers once. That defiantly aided the image. -SH

Yeah, but that was only so I could be bait, I wouldn't have worn em otherwise! -JW

Why on earth not. They looked grand on you. -SH

Anywayyyy, back on subject. How are ya? I see your brain still functions properly...-JW

Of course, if my brain had been impaired I doubt I would be able to text you at this given time. -SH

So, what's the diagnosis? -JW

Mine or yours? -SH

Yours, obviously! How would you know mine!? -JW

The incompetent nurse. I asked her for information regarding your health. She retorted the patient confidentiality act, I proceeded to degrade her as well as informing her that I know of her insidious acts. -SH

So in other words you tried to blackmail her into seeing how I was? ...should I be flattered? -JW

It proved unsuccessful. Apparently we have to be married to disclose your well being. Atrocious. -SH

So you took your frustrations out on the staff? Cos that always works! -JW

I informed the replacement nurse that we were in fact married, she had no problem sharing said information. How is your right side John? Is the drain still inserted due to the pneumothorax? -SH

Let me get this straight, you told some nurse we were married to ask how I was, yet here you are texting me. Why didn't you just ask me in the first place? Hell of a lot easier! -JW

Yes, but potentially ineffective as the information I would gather would be dissected before being sent to me. In other words, you would have partly lied about the seriousness of your wounds. -SH

Yeah, we'll I'm fine apart from my wrist/arm, what about u? I don't have deductive powers...-JW

A minor set of cuts and bruises to both my face and ribs. -SH

See, you could be playing your injuries down now and I wouldn't know! -JW

I assure you I am being truthful. -SH

Then why ain't you in my room then? -JW

Ah...-SH

'Ah!?' What the bloody hell is that supposed to mean!? What's happened, tell me if you're okay, I need to know Sherlock! Right, that's it I'm coming to find u...jesus!-JW

John. I am fine. The incident occurred earlier whilst you were still unconscious. I tried to visit your room but the audacious nurses told me I was not aloud! I had a minute debacle and proceeded to enter your residence regardless. I was then reprimanded by both my brother and the nursing staff. I am now apparently 'banned' from seeing you, which I intend to take no notice of. -SH

Oh Sherlock! Trust you! I tell you what, ill come a see you, but I'll be all secret spy about it so I don't get banned as well! -JW

I appreciate it. First door on the left. -SH

Oh, and John. Would you care to being both your pillows and bed sheets. Mycroft thought it amusing to steal mine and reduce the room temperature as punishment. -SH

Chapter 58: Laugh, I Nearly Died  
Part 58: Laugh, I nearly died.

This post-reichenbach prompt was suggested by hedgehoginajumper (whose name I LOVE) ...but don't worry Sherlock's back! xxx

My dearest John, I confess that I do not know how to begin. I attempted to start this message with the words 'I am alive and well' but I know you deserve better. This may come as a shock to you after so long; I am aware you will find me odious for not contacting sooner, but I assure you I had no choice. If Moriarty's men knew that I was in fact alive they would have murdered you and every being close to us. I could not allow that, John. You meant the world to me, you still do. It is forgiveness I seek. Our time apart has been torture for me as it has been you, I am aware that my pain could not compare of that of a grieving lover, but the thought of not being able to gaze upon you in any near future was that of which I deem hell to be like. I am choosing now to contact you as all of his minions are dead, I made sure of the fact before sending this message. I can return, finally, if you'll let me. -SH

Whoever this is, you are sick and twisted. Go rot in hell. Sherlock should be alive instead of you, he was a thousand times the man you are for doing this. Do you know how much it hurts to being that subject up? And here you are pretending to be my dead parter. Well fuck you. Don't contact me again or I'll get the police onto you. -JW

John, it is me, Sherlock. I am telling the truth. I have no reason to lie. Please believe me, I will do anything to show you that it is in fact me at the end of this telecommunications device. Please, I urge you to believe me. -SH

Right...course. Then tell me something only me and Sherlock would know. -JW

You have a minor scar on your left hip from an instance in which I nicked you with a scalpel during a dissection on a pituitary gland. -SH

Anyone could have found that out, god knows me and Sherlock laughed about it for weeks after. Greg thought he tried to murder me when the wound re-opened at a crime scene, bloody Donavan and Anderson thought they were finally right about something. Sherlock would never have done that. -JW

You have IgE-mediated hypersensitivity reaction to nuts, and have a favour for smooth Strawberry Jam and tea. Especially Lap Sung.

Once again ANYONE could have known that, I write about it in my blog for Christ sakes. Leave me alone. -JW

We could meet. You will then see that you are not being falsely deceived by some obsessive stalker. You will see that it is me, Sherlock Holmes. Your flat mate, your best friend, your lover. I need to see you John, it has been far too long. -SH

Yeah, sure-ly I'm gunna meet up with some psychopath that knows far too much about my personal life. You could be one of that bloody Moriarty's little gang. I ain't falling for that, I'm not as stupid as you think I am! -JW

Bring police back-up. Get Gregory to assist you, as well as Anderson and Donavan. You know I dispise them but I would tolerate them for you. I wanted you to be the first to see me, but if it has to be this way, then so be it. Please believe me. -SH

I am not wasting my time making my friends think I'm bloody crazy just for some psycho like you to get off on it. They hardly talk to me as it is, they'll lock me up in some god forsaken mental ward, I know they were thinking about it before the hypocrites. No way. Just leave me alone, please. I can't deal with this. -JW

We first kissed after The Hound case in Baskerville. You were so sympathetic towards me that day, you displayed a look of pure anguish upon me revealing that I was scared. After the altercation regarding the fact I retorted about having no friends, you then grabbed me and made sure I knew what I meant to you. You were freezing. Your lips were soft. You tasted of Budweiser beer. My hand crept its way into your hair, you then proceeded to grab my waist and push me closer to you. When I pulled away you started to apologise profusely until I worked up the courage to return the favour of kissing you. We held each other that night to keep the bad dreams at bay. I woke up with you shielding me from whatever hallucination your mind had derived. I smiled affectionately for the first time in my life. You did that to me, John. Please, I beg you to trust me. As I trusted you that night.-SH

How do you know all that? How could you possibly know that! Did Sherlock tell you? Has Moriarty been watching us for that long? Even then, how did you know about the other stuff? Who are you!? Why are you doing this to me? -JW

I am Sherlock Holmes. I am informing you of the truth. Ask Molly, she helped me fake my own death in a bid to keep you safe. -SH

Why should I trust you? -JW

You do not need to. Ask Molly. -SH

Molly, some nutter is texting me pretending to be Sherlock. I know this sounds completely mental, please don't tell Greg or Mike about this but he says you helped him fake his death. I'm grasping at straws and I know this is probably not true, but I need to hear it. It will put my mind at rest. Sorry. -JW

It's true, John...I'm sorry I couldn't tell you before but I'm the only person Sherlock could come to that he had no affiliation with. No one would suspect me because I've never been seen with him. I wanted to tell you, I really did, but I couldn't because you wouldn't have been able to cope three years without searching for him, without wanting to talk to him or see a picture. All of which could have compromised everything he'd done to keep you safe. I am the one that's sorry. -Molly xx

You went to her! HER and not me. I can't. Why? Why didn't you trust me!? I ALWAYS believed in you, I defended you from the moment we met. Were you cheating on me with Molly? Were you? You thought you could be clever cos you know more than me, but I found out in the end didn't I! You left me Sherlock. All those years I thought you were dead, I grieved for you. I got so much shit for saying I still believed in you after everything you said before you...and Greg, Mycroft, Mrs. Hudson, everyone thought I was having a break down, they thought I was gunna attempt suicide to be with you, they were watching my every move, they were going to get me bloody sectioned! I loved you Sherlock. I really did. -JW

John. Please believe me when I tell you there is/was nothing tainted going on between me and Molly Hooper. It was purely platonic, nothing was exchanged apart from plans regarding my falsified death. I do not wish to dictate this by text, I would like to tell you in person. All I ask is for you to hear me out. That is all. If you still want to walk away after then so be it, but know that I have done everything within my power to keep you safe and made sure it remains that way. I've loved you always and forever, John. Know that. -SH

I'll meet you, but I still don't believe a word your saying. I just need to see that I'm not imagining things. I need this miracle more that I've ever needed anything in my life. -JW

You always were brave, John. My brave soldier. Always and forever. -SH

Okay, I know it was all mushey, and I know they said they loved each other, but they haven't seen each other in 3 years and during that time they've spent thinking about their feelings. Sherlock would have missed John a lot and realised how much better life was with John in it. It kept him grounded, and because he's never had 'friends' before this friendship meant a lot to him, so naturally he feels he is in love with John Watson. The exception to everything.

Thanks for reading/reviewing! :D XxX

Chapter 59: Who I Am  
Part 59: Who I Am

This was suggested by Ce Venetia :) xxx

I know its not that happy but I was reading a fic before writing this and the idea just came to me. Sherlock will always be Sherlock and he will never change.

Also I'd like so say HI! to all me new readers/reviewers, and a big THANK YOU to all my recurring ones...you are honestly amazing! I love you all! xxx

Also TrekkieL -Thank you for all your lovely reviews! You are a star! *hands virtual Sherlock and John over to have for a weekend* xXx

We've been together all of three days and you've left me in the middle  
of sex to go and run to a crime scene. Do you know how that makes me  
feel? Well you clearly don't because I feel like a fucking escort,  
you've used me and now you've fucked off. I dunno what I was expecting  
when you told me that you weren't dead and that we could see each  
other again but it definitely weren't this! -JW

I take it you have been consuming alcohol. -SH

Well at least alcohol is there for me. It doesn't leave me! -JW

Are you insinuating that you have sexual relations with alcohol? -SH

Don't try to be funny Sherlock, cos you aint. You're just pissing me  
off more! -JW

I assume you have drunk enough alcohol to become more courageous, but  
seemingly not enough to become incoherent. That would mean, 3 or 4  
beers and something more depending on your tolerance and the size of  
said bottles. Also depending on brand and alcohol units inbeded in the  
beverage. That would lead me to believe you have consumed 4 beers of  
the Desperados brand, which include tequila in the ingredients. -SH

Well done! You're spot on, but you could have just seen the bottles in  
the fridge when you were putting that goats leg in there...which by  
the way is festering and there's maggots on it, one dropped on my  
cherry pie. Thanks for that. -JW

I could have, but I in fact did not. I am currently busy working out  
if the killer was North American or South American, initiate the  
conversation when you have sobered. -SH

No! Its always the same with you, not now john, I'm busy, yet if its  
Greg you have all the time in the world. Funny that! -JW

John, you are being utterly idiotic. Greg is the detective inspector  
of a crime scene that I work on. This is my job, Gregory happens to be  
a pawn in the overall works of it. Nothing more. -SH

Are you saying your bloody crime scenes mean more to you than me!? Oh  
that is fucking low. Thanks for that. Glad to know I am appreciated!  
-JW

John. I do not have time for a domestic now. Please wait until I get  
back to the flat and I promise you ill hear you out okay? -SH

No. Its now or never Sherlock. I can't do this. -JW

Do not be irrational. Take some time to collect yourself before making  
such large decisions. -SH

So you admit our relationship is a 'large decision' do you? Funny  
that! The way your acting its as if it means nothing to you! -JW

Of course it means something to me. It means a great deal, as do you,  
but right now I am busy and need all the brain power I have, this is a  
distraction. We can continue this at a later date. -SH

Fuck you!...no actually, there's no point because good ol' Greg will  
phone up and you'll just leave me hanging like you always do. -JW

John. Please. Get some sleep and I will be home by the time you arise. -SH

What like yesterday morning? When I woke up alone? -JW

I have apologised a great deal for that incident, as you know. -SH

Yeah, well, there's always something with you aint there? Always  
something that you leave me for, always something that's more  
important. Well I'm done. -JW

John I am going to turn my phone off for an hour. I will activate it  
and answer your queries after the allotted time is up, I apologise  
once again. -SH

~~~~~10 hours later~~~~~~

Have you sobered now? -SH

John? Answer me, you are aware of how impatient I am. -SH

I am on a return journey home now. My hypothesis is that you are  
currently sleeping, I hope this is the case. -SH

I'm not. You're wrong. -JW

Ah, so you are still alive then. -SH

Well I can't bloody well be dead if I'm texting back can I? -JW

This could be the killer texting at an attempt to buy time to hide the body. -SH

Right. Yeah, that. If you can stop texting me so I can get some sleep  
I'd appreciate it. -JW

Do you not want to bombard me with interrogatives? As well as insults? -SH

Nah, too tired. Ill do that tomorrow in person, much more affective! -JW

Look, I'm sorry about earlier. I was a tit. -JW

It is I that should feel remorse for my actions. I understand why you felt so alienated, therefore I apologise. -SH

Thanks, sorry about that, I said some things. Just delete em will you? -JW

Of course. Once again your apology is not needed. -SH

Suppose I should get to work. -JW

Come and see me before doing so. I would like to express my repentance physically. -SH

Oh, I'm all up for that! -JW

I thought you might be. -SH

evenshire1945. hedgehoginajumper, reflectiveless, aaa3007, and two Guests -Your fic ideas will be posted soon! :D xXx

Chapter 60: 20th Century Boy  
Part 60: 20th Century Boy.

This was suggested by the beautiful TrekkieL, and as soon as I saw the  
suggestion I loved it! :D xXx

I just wanna clear up that I am in no way homophobic and that I have  
wrote this purely for the storyline...thanks!

From: Dad  
To: JohnnyBoy

Ur sistas been round says uve got a fella that ur takin it up the  
arse! No son of mine is bloody a queer im tellin ya now! What was all  
that shit about going into the army? Just a chance for u to eye up the  
other blokes? Ur bloody sick and don't get commin round my house again  
cos u aint welcome!

Dad, don't be so bloody cruel! Harry's gay and you don't give a shit,  
now I am its not acceptable? Why's that? I'll come round that house  
any time I like. In fact, I'm gunna come round tomorrow and talk to  
mum about this because I KNOW she won't disown me. Not like the piss  
poor excuse for a father uve bloody been! -JW

No u bloody well aint! U aint welcome its my house my rules!

Yeah, well, I'm 39 now, I'm my own man and I can do anything I bloody  
well want, including coming to see my mum. -JW

U can come but don't think I'm letting u through the door

Then ill get in another way, I aint thick dad. I'm coming to see mum  
whether you like it or not. -JW

Well she don't wanna see u neither

She does dad. I know she does, you can do all you like to stop me but  
it won't mean a damn thing and won't hold me back from seeing my mum.  
Even if she don't wanna see me ill come because I know uve put her up  
to it. I'm coming. That's final. You don't rule my life. -JW

Piss off u aint no son of mine

To: Johnny  
From: Mum

Alright Johnny! Been ages since I've seen you last. Hope your okay and  
everything. Your sistas told me about your new fella, good on you son!  
Glad your happy, and by the sounds of it he's dashing, little annoyed  
that Harry knows more than your own mum but I know you've probably  
been keeping this quiet for some time. I just wanna tell ya its all  
fine, you can love who you want it don't make a difference if they're  
a woman or a man, as long as your happy babe, that's all that matters.  
-Mum xxxx

Thanks mum, you know I love you don't ya? I couldn't tell ya  
about...this because I didn't know where to start, there's no easy  
explanation and I've not always been this way. I didn't know how ud  
take it and I knew if dad found out he'd hit the roof...well he has  
aint he. I'm coming round tomorrow to see ya -JW

I love you too baby, but I don't think coming home is going to help,  
you know how your dad is at the moment. Give him some time to calm  
down, get his head around it and then come. I'm only thinking of you.  
-Mum xxxx

No, mum. He's not ruling my life, he has from the start but not no  
more! I'm coming over to see you, and if he doesn't like it...well  
tough! -JW

Johnny...come on, you know what'll happen. He'll get angry, you'll  
have an argument, and ill be the one having to listen to him rant on  
for days. -Mum xxxx

I know mum, but I need to do this. -JW

What if I come to you? Come see this flat of yours and your lovley  
fella! -Mum xxxx

There's no need mum, let me come to you. I promise if anything starts  
ill just ignore him, won't even say anything back, just let him talk  
for your sakes. -JW

Alright, alright, but whatever happens know you're always welcome no  
matter what your bloody father says! You hear me? -Mum xxxx

I know. See you tomorrow. I've gotta go out to work, I can't wait to  
catch up. I love you. -JW

You too baby, now go to work! Don't want to be late! -Mum xxxx

~~~~~The Next Day~~~~~

John, where on earth are you? -SH

I am at my parents, if you bothered to listen to me when I was talking  
yesterday you would have known! -JW

Oh. What time will you be returning? -SH

Soon probably. Things aint going that well and if I stay here any  
longer I'm gunna end up giving my dad a broken jaw...-JW

That will not go down well I assure you. Maybe you should leave now  
and savour you're knuckles? -SH

Nah, I'm not running away. -JW

That is not what I was suggesting, John. I was merely informing you  
that you are clearly not happy, so why prolong it?-SH

I need to do this Sherlock, okay? Ill be home soon. Maybe a coupla  
hours, you're dinners in the microwave, just set it to 5 minutes and  
EAT IT! Don't go chucking it in the bin or leaving it in there to go  
mouldy for an experiment cos I will know. You have to eat okay? -JW

Yes mother. I will leave the food's water molecules to be heated for  
precisely four minutes, any longer and the food dries out due to too  
much water being evaporated. -SH

Oi! Less of the cheek! Leave it in there however long you want to as  
long as you eat it I don't care. -JW

I will leave you to your family affair, even though it is quite  
obviously tedious. -SH

Yeah well someone has to sort this family out and it defiantly aint my dad. -JW

I will leave a beer in an easily reachable place within the  
refrigerator for when you return. -SH

Thanks :) -JW

~~~~~~An Hour Later~~~~~

How is your monotonous evening going? -SH

I take your absence of reply as a good sign? -SH

No, no. A bad sign. You said that you would most likely have an  
altercation with your father. -SH

I urge you to reply. I could make my way towards your current  
location. I would not be much help but you seem at ease with my  
presence. -SH

Do not get angry, John, but due to your lack of reply I am consulting  
Mycroft to find your whereabouts. -SH

I know how odious you find me 'stalking' you, as you so eloquently put  
it. If you seize to reply within the next ten minutes I will be urged  
to find you. -SH

Brother. I would like the exact location of John Watson this instant.  
Oh, and do be prompt. I do loathe waiting. -SH

I would not kill you to include pleasantries once in a while, you know? -MH

The location, Mycroft. -SH

Soon, it seems you will have a visitor. -MH

I do hate riddles. -SH

What, no exchange of gratitude? -MH

I'm busy. -SH

Tending to the doctors wounds I hope. -MH

What are you insinuating? -SH

I am doing nothing of the sort. Just portraying facts as I see them.  
Dr. Watson seems to be supporting a broken nose. -MH

I am going to kill him! -SH

Who? John? Really, Sherlock. Don't you think he has been through  
enough of an ordeal tonight as it is? -MH

No! Not John you idiot. His father. -SH

Do not act on John's behalf. He is fully capable of taking care of  
himself, your assistance is not needed. The act of vengeance you are  
intending on doing will not be satisfying in the slightest. -MH

Do shut up, Mycroft. Doesn't Mummy need you to attend her weekly  
update meetings on my behaviour? She detests in-promptness. -SH

~~~~~10 Minutes Later~~~~~

John, please open the door. I need to see you. -SH

What for, Mycrofts probably told you everything by now with his bloody  
spies watching me 24/7. -JW

I asked for your location. Nothing more. -SH

Yeah, course ya did. You're a nosey bleeder. -JW

Let me tend to your nose. -SH

No. -JW

Please. -SH

Why?-JW

I need to see that you are okay.-SH

I have a broken nose, that's hardly 'okay' -JW

I know. Of course I do not deem what your father has done as okay, but  
you clearly do not want to talk about it. -SH

I was gunna ask you how you knew that, but I can't hide anything from  
bloody Sherlock bloody Holmes can I? -JW

If you wish me to ignore the subject I will, in return for you to let  
me check you over. -SH

I'm a doctor you know, and its just the nose. -JW

Even so. I want to check, I need to check. -SH

Please, just leave me alone. -JW

You know full well that I cannot do that. -SH

Please. I need to be alone. -JW

No. You are in need of medical attention. -SH

Yeah, I'm a medical professional! -JW

You're diagnosis will be biased, you need a second opinion. -SH

And I suppose that's you then is it? When did you complete a medical degree? -JW

I do not need a degree to tend to a broken nose. -SH

Just go away, I can't talk to you right now. -JW

If you do not open this door I will march right up to your childhood  
home, barge through to door like a madman and attack your father for  
doing such viscous things to you both physically and verbally. -SH

Remind me never to piss you off. -JW

You could never do such a thing, John. Now open the door as you promised. -SH

I didn't promise a thing. -JW

Open the door. -SH

I can't. -JW

You can, and you will. -SH

I will, will I? -JW

Yes. Then you will proceed to dictate these recent events to me. -SH

Sherlock. Please, can we just forget about it? -JW

No, it will help to express the altercation. -SH

You know what happened. -JW

I want you to say it. -SH

Why! Its not gunna make everything betta? Its just gunna make me look  
pathetic and make you angry. -JW

On the contrary, it could prove ccounter-productiveto do so. -SH

You're not gunna give up are ya? -JW

No. So come out, have some tea and talk to me. -SH

Can't I just have the tea? -JW

No. If you want the tea you have to talk. -SH

What if I drink the tea and then not talk? -JW

Then I will make sure you talk before the tea is consumed. -SH

Guess ill have to talk then. -JW

I suppose you must. -SH

Thanks for reading/reviewing! :D xXx

Chapter 61: Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang  
Part 61: Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang.

This was suggested by FantasyDreamer32, so thanks! :D xxx

I am now turning left onto Baker Street. I have no indication of  
John's whereabouts but I assume he is at home. -SH

Er, second thoughts. This ones a plain ol suicide. Left a note and  
everything, why don't you just go back to Bart's and continue mixing  
chemicals and that like. -GL

Something has happened. Something significant that you obviously do  
not want me to see. Might be regarding the case at hand, but due to  
the unknown location of John, I suspect it is involving him. Is he  
injured? -SH

No! No, nothing like that. Cor, its so hard keeping anything from you,  
dunno how Johnny does it. -GL

It is simple. He does not keep anything from me, we have no secrets. -SH

Riiight cos that always works out, there's always something someones  
hiding...normal people don't genny share everything. -GL

Well normal people are boring. -SH

Just wait a few minutes before coming over, yeah? -GL

No. Why should I? I demand to know what you are keeping from me. -SH

Oh, to hell with it, come and see for yourself. Its not like you're  
not gunna find out anyway, I'm sure Anderson will write it down to use  
it against you next time you two have a tiff! -GL

Who the hell is that woman!? -SH

She's is the victims sister. -JW

Yes, that much is obvious. Her name? Her relationship to John? She  
clearly knows him. They seem too...comfortable. -SH

Her names Jasmine...yeah, I know, sounds like some bloody stripper,  
but she checks out. -GL

I would not know. What was said when they first saw one another? Did  
she just move closer!? -SH

Calm down, I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation for why she's  
wearing a skimpy outfit and cosying up to John. -GL

Oh, the clothing is her work uniform. It is obvious by its wear, as  
well as the discoloured patches on her so-called skirt created by her  
rubbing her hands off on it to clean them. She is wearing next to  
nothing as she is a bar-lady in the new club opened on Manson Lane.  
-SH

Oh, alright. Do you want me to show you the crime scene? -GL

Sherlock? -GL

Sherlock, you look like you've seen a ghost! What's up? You ill or  
something? -GL

Her. I want her arrested. -SH

What? What for? She didn't kill her sister, it was a suicide? U  
thinking sibling rivalry or something? -GL

No. She kissed him! The audacity of some people! -SH

Who? What? Who kissed who? -GL

You can be surprisingly thick for a Detective Inspector. Jasmine-or  
whatever her REAL name is. She's obviously replaced the records after  
tampering with them, but more importantly she kissed John! -SH

Well I'm sure it didn't mean anything, I mean look at him, poor blokes  
tryna get away! -GL

Yes. As he has seen me. He would not look so flustered otherwise. -SH

He didn't kiss her back though, did he? -GL

No. -SH

Well there you go then, nothing to worry about...now this case...-GL

Nothing to worry about! This prostitute has just kissed John, who I  
happen to be in a relationship with. How can anyone be so ignorant! We  
have been the topic of conversation amongst the news for months. -SH

Yeah, well he didn't kiss her back. She probably tried to make a move  
and he backed off. Can't blame him can ya! -GL

Of course not. Try not to be so obtuse. Her on the other hand, she  
deserves to be punished. -SH

Now hold on a minute Sherlock! She's a woman, men don't hit women,  
that's like rule number one. Just shout at her, do your deducing  
thingy but if you so much as raise your hand ill have to take you down  
the station. -GL

I did not mean in that context Gregory. Seriously, is everyone so  
imbicilic? What must it be like in your biased little minds? -SH

Alright, so how did you mean then? -GL

To be reprimanded of course. Taken into custody by your fine self.  
Away from unattended partners. -SH

I can't take her in for nothing! -GL

She was the deceased's sister. She needs to be interrogated. Take her now. -SH

Alright, but don't try and pin this murder on her just cos she  
happened to kiss John. -GL

There is no doubt about it. -SH

Just go talk to him like a normal person before you start shouting the  
odds for once. -GL

My, I'm sure your little team of half-whits would much prefer the latter. -SH

Just go and sort things out will you! -GL

I do not need persuasion. -SH

Apparently you do cos ur still standing there. -GL

Sherlock! Sherlock come back! -JW

Let me explain! Sherlock stop! -JW

Please! -JW

There is nothing more to say John. I witnessed an act of abused trust  
and do not wish to talk about it. -SH

Where are you going? Let's just sit down, please Sherlock. You have to  
let me explain. -JW

Your physical display explained quite enough, thank you. -SH

She kissed me, I didn't kiss her. The minute she started getting close  
I was backing away, I didn't see it coming, I really didn't, I'm  
sorry! Its just I know her and we got talking and I didn't wanna be  
rude but she kept touching my arm and I kept trying to catch Greg's eye  
to help out but he was busy. God this is such a mess. -JW

I agree. How do you know of her? -SH

She's my sisters ex girlfriends friend. Bit of a mouth full I know but  
she's a bit of alright, she use to hang around Harry a lot when her  
and Clara split up. -JW

Knowing this, you did not take that as a sign that she was obviously  
trouble. She was trying to worm her way into your sisters affections  
the minute she expelled herself from the relationship with her  
girlfriend. Did you not think that was at all suspicious! She has an  
underlying motive, John. Get closer to your sister which would mean  
easy access to you. Did you not see? -SH

No, I was bloody blind as well as stupid and I'm sorry! I'm really  
sorry! The minute she kissed me I pulled away I swear, you saw me, and  
I didn't do it just because you were there because I didn't see you  
till after it happened. -JW

I guess I was mistaken. This is exactly the reason emotions are weak  
and not an advantage but a destructive path. I need some time to  
clarify the facts, John. -SH

Okay, but just come home alright! Otherwise you'll catch your death  
out here, its bloody freezing! At least let me give you my gloves, I  
know how cold your hands get. -JW

I will be fine. -SH

Okay. Well if you need anything text me yeah? -JW

~~~~~~2 Hours Later~~~~~

Someones in the dog house...-GL

Don't start! -JW

Guess he's not a robot after all! You shoulda seen his face when she  
kissed you, down right murderous! -GL

Yeah, thanks for that, its making me feel a whole lot better! -JW

Sorry mate, just a revelation you know. -GL

I can't believe I was so stupid! I should have seen the signs! God, I  
wish I stopped her earlier! -JW

Well I did tell you! -GL

No you did not! Flamin liar! I kept tryna catch ur eye for you to get  
me out of it but you never bloody turned round. Whole lotta use you  
are! -JW

I was busy! -GL

Doing what!? -JW

Texting. -GL

Mycroft no doubt. In work hours? You should be ashamed of yourself! -JW

Yeah, well, you get to work with yours...-GL

If he even is mine anymore. -JW

What? You can't tell me he's still mad at ya? He's supposed to be some  
genius, even I could see you backing away! -GL

Yeah, well, apparently it weren't enough. -JW

Ah. I'm sorry mate, I'm sure he'll come round. -GL

He won't. You don't know him like I do, he's bloody stubborn! -JW

Do you want me to have a word with Myc? -GL

God no! that'll just make things worse, thanks for offering though. -JW

Guess we'll be going out drinking tomorrow then? -GL

Oh, god yes! I'm gunna need it, Sherlock's got his 'sulk' face on! -JW

So he's home then? -GL

Yeah, but avoiding me like the plague! -JW

I doubt hed avoid the plague! He'd do all sorts of tests on you! You  
know that? -GL

Well he's avoiding me like food then! -JW

Whether that was meant to be dirty or not I dunno, but I've gotta go,  
Mycroft's got a day off tomorrow and I aint cleaned the flat yet. -GL

Oooh! I may as well come round and help, ill probs get the silent  
treatment all day anyway. -JW

Alright, thanks. Won't Sherlock think were at it next? -GL

To be honest Greg, I couldn't give a shit. -JW

Chapter 62: Money Talks  
Part 62: Money Talks.

This was suggested by TheWhoLockedSupernaturalist, thanks! :) xxx

What's all that shouting about down there!?-JW

Mrs. Hudson is enquiring about the rent. -SH

Have you told her were sorting it? -JW

Of course, John. -SH

Well instead of shouting at the poor woman why don't you pay her? -JW

I am not at liberty to do so at the moment. -SH

Why not? I gave u the money -JW

Yes, your half of the rent. My half is yet to be conjured up. -SH

What do ya mean? You gotta go to the bank or something? -JW

No. Mycroft has taken it upon himself to freeze my trust fund as  
penance for speaking out of turn earlier. He thinks he is quite  
hilarious. Wait till Mummy finds out!-SH

Well why didn't you say? You can always borrow it off me, I've  
borrowed it off you enough! Especially for the shopping and that  
before I got the job at the surgery. -JW

Certainly not. I loathe lending money. -SH

Well you're gunna have to get over it cos if you don't Mrs. Hudson  
will chuck us out! -JW

She will do nothing of the sort. -SH

How can you be so sure? -JW

She will allow us leverage this once. -SH

Yeah, and if your money is frozen still next month? Then we'll be  
unreliable, and she won't like that! -JW

It will not, I assure you. -SH

Well I'm gunna go pay Mrs. Hudson whether you like it or not cos I  
don't like being in anyone's debt. -JW

Likewise. -SH

Oh! You know I didn't mean it like that! I don't want anything from  
you, you are my partner stupid! I've borrowed money off of you so you  
can do the same! -JW

I do not like this John. Please wait until my funds are not limited. -SH

Oh, come off it Sherlock. Ill do anything for you, including paying  
your half of the rent! Now just accept it, please? -JW

John, I cannot accept hand outs. They are degrading. -SH

No one will know! I'm not gunna go out shouting it from roof tops am  
I? And its not a hand out, I don't expect it to be re-paid, its a  
gift...its rude to give gifts back you know...-JW

Yes, well I never did see the point in social etiquette. I am  
returning the funds in full and there will be no compromising. -SH

You don't have to do that, I really don't mind! -JW

I do, and I will. -SH

Tell Mrs. Hudson ill be down in a sex to pay her. -JW

*sec* bloody phone! -JW

How can you possibly be 'in a sex?' Is it some kind of outfit? -SH

It was a typo you twat! -JW

You do look rather dashing in that striped jumper you are currently wearing. -SH

Are you asking for sex? -JW

You suggested it, I am merely retorting interest. -SH

It was a bloody typo! Although, I'm game if you are ;) -JW

Obviously. -SH

Just gotta go pay Mrs. Hudson, two SECS-JW

The abbreviation 'secs' is pronounced as 'sex' so it doesn't really  
make a difference. -SH

Well they mean two very different things...-JW

I prefer the latter. -SH

Oh, no doubt about it! -JW

Are you wearing any pants? -JW

No. -SH

I think Mrs. Hudson can wait 20 minutes for the rent. -JW

Oh, I intend on lasting a lot longer. -SH

Chapter 63: Valentine's Day  
Part 63: Valentine's Day.

This was suggested by evenshire1945 so thanks! :D xxx

Sherlock, where's the jam? -JW

Used it. -SH

For what exactly? You know I like it on my toast in the mornings. -JW

I am aware. An experiment. -SH

Well seeing as you used it up, you can pop to the shops and get me  
some more then can't ya? -JW

Tedious. -SH

No...not 'tedious'! Now I can't have breakfast because you decided to  
use up my jam without even telling me, I coulda brought some yesterday  
in that Tesco's express on the way back from the crime scene. -JW

There are plenty of food types that can be used as a supplement for  
breakfast. You have toast after all. Regardless of whether or not you  
have the option of jam. -SH

Yeah...but we have no butter, I can't eat plain toast Sherlock! -JW

Why on earth not? -SH

Because its disgusting! -JW

Do you mind John. I am quite busy. Can you continue your existential  
crisis later? -SH

Sorry for making conversation. -JW

Do not be like this, John. I am simply busy. This is no reflections of  
a 'mood' or a result of any of your previous actions, I am in fact  
quite busy. -SH

Well I'm off out. -JW

Where to at this ungodly hour? -SH

Out. -JW

Yes, I got that segment. No need for repetition. Out where exactly? -SH

Not that its none of your business, but for breakfast! -JW

Go to Angelo's. It will be free of charge. -SH

No. I'm going to Speedy's. -JW

Why pay when you have an option of getting the same remnants for free? -SH

I thought you were busy? -JW

I am. -SH

Then what are you doing texting me then? -JW

I always have time for you John. -SH

Aint that the most romantic thing you've ever heard...if it didn't  
come from your mouth. -JW

I can be romantic! -SH

Oh...sure! -JW

I can! -SH

I believe it when I see it. -JW

~~~~~~An Hour Later~~~~~

How is your breakfast? Bland I suspect. That is due to the fact that  
you have paid for the apparent meal, whereas if you too my advice and  
relocated to Angelo's it would have tasted far better due to the fact  
that it was in fact free. It is a proven psychological fact. -SH

Can I just eat my breakfast in peace for once, you know, like a normal  
person. In a cafe with no severed heads and stolen Jam, and all round  
talk of mutilation to put me off my food. -JW

Nothing can detract you from your food. -SH

What's that supposed to mean? -JW

Nothing. Simply stated a fact. You have a high tolerance. -SH

Course. Now did you want anything in particular or just finding  
occasion to be annoying as usual? -JW

That was a tad harsh, John. -SH

Yeah, it was, sorry. Just a little stressed is all... -JW

Any reason as to why? -SH

My sister. Keeps texting me about all these things Clara has done for  
her today, you know Valentine's Day and all that. She loves rubbing  
stuff like that in...-JW

Bring up the subject of her being drunken disorderly, and the fact  
that her current girlfriend cheated on her in the past and is probably  
displaying this much affection out of two reasons. One, out of guilt  
as she has a lover on the side. Or, Two, to secure her place in the  
relationship so she is not 'dumped' again. -SH

Nah, a bit not good. -JW

Really? -SH

Yeah. -JW

Sherlock, what's with the toast and jam on the table spelling out my name? -JW

It is a gift of a sort. -SH

Erm, why? -JW

Have you no recollection of the meaning of today's date? -SH

Yeah...but that still doesn't answer my question. -JW

Well it was quite obviously me. You wanted toast and jam, I made you  
toast and jam, as well as creating your name in said substance (which  
took quite a while by the way). I even made sure the toast was toasted  
to the right colour before attempting my task. -SH

Is it an experiment? -JW

No. -SH

Then why are you being so...nice? -JW

You stated that I could not be 'romantic'. I like to prove people  
wrong, especially you John. -SH

Oh, okay. Thanks...I guess. Its lovley. -JW

You are most welcome. Check the fridge. -SH

Huh? -JW

Did you really think I would carry out something so mundane? Really,  
John. It is a message. Check the fridge. -SH

Shoulda guessed. Okay...checking the fridge. Nothing betta jump out at  
me cos you will need to do a hell of a lot more than this as  
grovelling. -JW

One does not simply grovel. -SH

Right, so I'm looking in the fridge...there's nothing but eye  
balls...you shoulda told me! I woulda gone shopping yesterday! -JW

No. John. Look! Really LOOK. Remember this is part of a message. -SH

Okay...so the first word is 'John' and now there's eye balls in the  
fridge...John eye balls? -JW

Dual meaning of words, John. -SH

John eye...oh! John 'I' what about the balls? 'John I balls' ed up? -JW

"John...I..." Now go to the bathroom. Turn the shower on. The message  
will be displayed before your eyes. -SH

In the shower? You aint installed CCTV have you? -JW

No. -SH

You've turnt the bloody water up to scorching! You know I like it  
between 4-5. -JW

Everything is for a reason. -SH

So the numbers mean something? 'John I 7/8' ? Is that some kind of  
term or reference number? -JW

Ah. You do listen when I talk. -SH

Of course I do! So...where will I find this word in? A book? -JW

What starts with B ends in G and rhymes with 'dog'. I do hate riddles  
but this is all part of the fun. -SH

Fun? Really...ermmm, bog? But I'm in the bathroom? -JW

No. Something you write. -SH

Ooh! Blog! -JW

Yes. Well done. -SH

So is it dates? paragraphs? What? -JW

7th paragraph, 8th word. Today's entry. -SH

'Love' ? Really? -JW

Correct. Now the last clue is on a adhesive note stuck on my most  
prised possession. -SH

Well I kinda know what the message is now...-JW

Humour me. -SH

Erm, your lab equipment? -JW

Wrong. -SH

Your cigarettes? -JW

NO. John, think. -SH

Your coat and scarf? -JW

Please reassure me that was added purely for humorous purposes. -SH

Yes, yes it was. -JW

Come on John! You should know this. You complain about said item enough. -SH

Ohhhh! Your bloody violin! Don't get me wrong you play it beautifully,  
but at 4 o clock in the morning? Some of us actually have to sleep!  
-JW

Yes. Now the note John. Hurry, I am increasingly impatient. -SH

It says 'What is the one component you could not carry out when  
attempting to drive?' -JW

Yes...the answer John? -SH

A U-Turn. -JW

So the message is? -SH

'John I Love You'...I love you too Sherlock. -JW

Grand. Knew you would get there in the end. Now hurry and get  
re-acquainted- with the human eye balls in the refrigerator, one of them  
matches that of the photograph of the victim in the brown folder on  
the table. The resolution of a case depends on it. -SH

You had to go and ruin it...-JW

Chapter 64: Blurred Lines  
Part 64: Blurred Lines.

This fic idea of protective Sherlock was suggested by a guest so thanks! :D xxx

Also a BIG thank you to the Guest that left all those lovely comments with the title 'Oh gosh'. You are amazing! and yes, I love NCIS, especially Abby, so i kinda had to ;) xxx

Oh! ANNNNND to the other Guest that asked for more, as well as stating that they're read all of these in a hour! Wow...thank you! This is dedicated to you :) xxx

Has John arrived at the crime scene? –SH

Not yet. No, why? –GL

I will be approximately 30 minutes late. I need you to inform John upon his arrival, as well as watch him. –SH

Yeah, ill let him know. What dya mean watch him? –GL

It is hardly a challenging statement to deduce. Watch over him. My brother has a knack for showing up in black Bentley's to kidnap him, no doubt to start conversations regarding me. –SH

Oh, right. Okay, ill keep him away from mysterious black cars! –GL

This is no laughing matter Lestrade. Mycroft cannot be alone with John. I will not let it happen again. –SH

Protective eh? –GL

Yes. If you would like to call it that. I would appreciate it if you make sure your minions do not touch John, it annoys me to no end. He is mine, can they not see that? –SH

Haha! Minions…right. Sherlock, they don't mean anything by it, they're not stealing him from you, they just pat him on the back and that, its just friendly. Everyone knows hes shagging you! –GL

How do you not know that your theory is incorrect? It could be in fact, the reverse. –SH

Eurgh, I don't wanna know whos shagging who alright? Ill keep an eye out. –GL

Good. –SH

Sherlock arrives at the scene an immediately steers John away from the likes of Donavan, Anderson ect.

How do you live with that? –GL

What do you mean? –JW

Him, being all protective, not letting you near people. You're not some prisoner! –GL

I think its sweet…don't tell him I said that or ill set him on you! Its just, its his way of showing me affection, it's the only way he can, he's not a very expressive person when it comes to relationships, so I take what I can get. –JW

Yeah, but you were only talking to them! Christ knows what hes like when he knows im with ya down the pub! Must be climbing the walls! –GL

More like shooting them! –JW

What!? –GL

Last time we went to the pub, he's shot the bloody wall! –JW

Jesus, what the bloody hell did he do that for? –GL

He was bored apparently, but when ain't he? –JW

When he's making it a game to see how many people he can stare out for looking your way? –GL

I know, bit unnerving. No point stopping him cos it gets into an argument and I can't be asked to deal with a sulking Sherlock. –JW

Who was that poor girl last week you was talking to? He nearly ripped her head off for touching your shoulder! –GL

That's Sarah, she works with me down the clinic. We went out, you know, before Sherlock. Even back then he tried to stop it in his own little way, crashing our dates and scaring her off and that. Worked though haha! –JW

He text me this morning asking me to keep an eye on you, apparently his brother kidnaps you in posh arse cars! –GL

Oh, yeah. He hates that, god, he has a go at me for getting in, but you tell me what I could do if there's a bloody car following you around, as well as street cameras! You can't get away, he even got the bloody ATM to eat my card once so I'd talk to him. He's alright though, just wants to know Sherlock's safe and that I'm looking out for him, but why he can't use a bloody phone is beyond me. –JW

He's a bit like Sherlock, likes to be dramatic about everything. God forbid they do anything normally! –GL

Ill text you back in a bit, he's coming over and likes to know who I'm texting. He reads through me blimin messages and everything! –JW

Alright, mate, ill let you go. Tell him to mind his own bloody business! –GL

It is you that should refrain from idle gossiping with my John. –SH

Get off John's phone! This is a private conversation! –GL

It is hardly private Lestrade. Anyone could view these conversations. Neither of your devices have a password, and the conversation is the first one that is shown once you open the messages bank. Do be serious. –SH

Yeah, well, me and John have some stuff to talk about. So If you wouldn't mind putting him back on? –GL

What could you possibly need to talk about at this time of day. If it is not for a case then I do not see the point of you badgering John to talk to you via text. –JW

Were mates, we talk, its not a crime. Now bugger off and put John on! –GL

I'm sure that semantic field was placed out of sheer luck. John is currently showering. I have no doubt that he will continue your tedious conversation about my lifestyle; which of course is none of your business, when he returns. That is if I am not distracting him by means of intercourse. –SH

Oh god! SHERLOCK! I don't wanna know! Keep that shit to yourself will ya! –GL

You did in fact, ask. Subconsciously.–SH

No I bloody well didn't! –GL

I think you will find you did. You asked me to get John to text you, John was not available. You obviously wanted to know his whereabouts and when I brought up the subject of him continuing the conversation you instantly though why wouldn't he. So you obviously wanted an answer as to why he would not. I provided it. –SH

No, just no. –GL

Good day, Lestrade. –SH

Chapter 65: Sick Sherlock  
Part 65: Sick Sherlock

A/N: Sorry I havent updated in a coupla days!

This was suggested by a Guest who loves sick!fics :) this is my first sick!fic so its pretty crappy but hey! xxx

You aren't seriously going out today are ya? -JW

Yes. Why would I not? -SH

Erm...maybe cos ur obviously ill and you should lay down or something. -JW

You are a doctor and the best reply you could come up with was 'lay  
down or something'. That's hardly specific or medically proven. -SH

Yeah well, there's no point in telling you cos u don't listen unless  
its about a case, even then you don't hear a word I say. -JW

Then why bother explaining this to me in the first place? Its both a  
waste of time and credit. -SH

Yeah, well, betta safe than sorry. -JW

Sherlock? -JW

Oi! -JW

I apologise. I was currently emptying the contents of my stomach into  
the toilet. -SH

Exactly! See that's what I was going on about, I don't annoy you for  
the sake of it you know! -JW

I think you'll find you have, John. On numerous occasions. Especially  
when urged on by Greg. -SH

You've gotta admit your face was a picture when you got all moody and  
thought I actually fancied that guy! -JW

I do not appreciate being tricked, John. -SH

You're only saying that cos it don't happen often! -JW

Yes. Well I could hardly tell you was not attracted by him when you  
were stroking his thigh. -SH

Yea, well I'm sorry about that, alright! Greg told me to act as though  
it was believable!-JW

So if Gregory asked you to leap off the nearest cliff to make your  
death 'believable' you would do it? -SH

Of course not! I'm not stupid! -JW

That could be argued on occasion. -SH

Here, Greg. If Sherlock comes down today watch him will ya? He's ill and wont take lie down as an answer. -JW

Whatever problems your having in your sex life, i don't wanna know! -GL

Har-Bloody-Har, so you'll keep an eye on him? Anything happens call me straight away, even if its just him looking peeky yeah? -JW

Yeah, ill keep you updated, mate. Anderson is gunna have a field day. Ill keep him in line. -GL

I appreciate it. -JW

How are you? Feeling any better? I can always  
phone Lestrade and tell him your too ill to come down and to send you  
the photos instead. -JW

No! You will refrain from doing anything of the sort. I am well enough  
to travel. It will not take up much of my time, besides, the  
photographic evidence that will be sent over will no doubt be inept.  
With none of the critical evidence although there will obviously be a  
few candid shots of plants on dressing tables as the forensic  
photographer has a quite a passion for photography, although he is  
clearly tripe. I mean, have you seen the angle on the corpse photos?  
You cannot determine anything from them at all. Stupid. -SH

Alright, but I'm coming with you. I will not have you fainting in  
front of Anderson, christ knows what he'll do when your unconscious!  
-JW

Grand suggestion. I'd rather have you fawn over me than Anderson and  
his permanent marker, along with Donavan's phone. She'd obviously want  
to play her part to prove to love-sick Anderson that she shares his  
ridiculous hate for me. -SH

Oh god! Any other time that would be hilarious! But not now your sick,  
that's just cruel! -JW

Thank you for you're contradictory vote of confidence, John. -SH

Ahwww don't go all moody on me! -JW

I have no idea what you are hinting at. -SH

I'm coming up to give you something before we go, hopefully it'll take  
the edge off. Keep the nausea at bay for a coupla hours hopefully. -JW

Your concern is noted. -SH

Sherlock, you know I hate you being sick as much as you do. I want you  
to be well as soon as possible, besides, I don't wanna catch it! -JW

I obviously know your motives aren't just, John. You are worried about  
my inability to perform in the bedroom. -SH

Oh! No! I defiantly wouldn't worry about that! Sides, your sick, I  
wouldn't want you to exert yourself. -JW

Oh, but I find pleasure in exerting myself. Especially with you, John. -SH

Ahww you ol sap! Stay in bed till I come up, ill give you some soup  
and you're gunna bloody eat it, you need all the strength you can get.  
-JW

If you insist. -SH

I do. -JW

You might want to phone the surgery ASAP, they will need to find a  
replacement pronto. -SH

I already have, see, not as slow as you think! -JW

Oh, you were never slow, John. -SH

Why thank you Mr. Holmes -JW

You are welcome...captain. -SH

Not while you're sick. You need all the strength you've got for the  
trip to the crime scene. When we get home ill diagnose you properly.  
-JW

Yes doctor...Although I can clearly determine that it is a mild case  
of food poisoning. Nothing more. -SH

Yeah well I wouldn't be bloody surprised with you're recent trips to  
the 'mind palace' you go days without coming out of them, I thought u  
were in a flippin coma! They you eat the food infront of you, that is  
probably gone off by the time you get round to eating it! -JW

Yes, well. You should have left a note. -SH

I can't do everything Sherlock, I have got a job you know! -JW

Unimportant. -SH

So is your skull. -JW

What a low blow Mr. Watson. -SH

Hahahahaha! -JW

How immature. -SH

I call it dirty humour ;) -JW

Chapter 66: Past Lives  
Part 66: Past Lives

Suggested by reflectiveless...thanks! :D xxx

What is contained in the red box underneath your pillow John? -SH

Huh? -JW

I saw you place the item under there quite rapidly upon my arrival into your room. -SH

You must be seeing things. I didn't have anything. -JW

You were acting suspiciously. What is inside the box, John? You cannot hide it from me, I will find out. -SH

It's none of your bloody business. Alright! -JW

There is no need to raise your temper, and in turn your blood pressure. It is already quite high due to the stress your sisters predicament is having on you. -SH

My blood pressures fine, bloody cheek! I'm not that old! -JW

Tell me what the mysterious item is. -SH

No. Don't you go poking your nose in either! It's private! -JW

So it's something you do wish me to see. That narrows it down to something that is either embarrassing, or something that would change my opinion of you. It obviously has emotional value as you were seen sniffling as I entered the room. -SH

Don't be stupid! That's just my hay fever! -JW

In the middle of winter? I dare see a fleck of pollen, John. -SH

Just leave it, okay? Please. -JW

I want to help, John, with whatever it is. It will not change my opinion of you. You could go on a killing spree and murder the whole of Scotland Yard and I still wouldn't think any different; they're all imbeciles anyway. -SH

Really? Well that's dedication! Although, I think you already want to plot to kill them but want me to do your dirty work. -JW

After the debacle last week regarding the mix up of blood results, I feel I would be doing the world a favour. Getting you to carry this out would prove better as you have experience. -SH

Nice to know I'm being used! -JW

Oh, I also know from experience you do take pleasure in being used. -SH

You're right there! ;) Although I prefer using you. -JW

Do not try to change the subject, John. -SH

You're the one that bloody changed it! -JW

To your relief I'm sure. Please inform me of the suspicious item, John. You are well aware I am impenetrable when keeping such things. -SH

Your using these words to spite me ain't ya? -JW

John...-SH

Of for god sake Sherlock! It's none of your bloody business, why do ya wanna know so badly!? -JW

It has upset you, therefore I feel it's my place to know so we can avoid all possible repeat performances due to this factor. -SH

I appreciate it, but it's not something I can avoid, it's always gunna be there. I can't get rid of it if I wanted to. -JW

That statement is false considering you can dispose of whatever the item is. -SH

Yes, but I can't 'dispose' of the memories can I? They'll always be there...-JW

Ah, so this is on the subject on your travels to war. In that case, I can help. -SH

How could you possibly help! Not even my bloody psychiatrist who in paying stupid amounts to see when I don't even want to go, couldn't do anything. What makes you think you can? -JW

You can talk me through it. It helps to re-live a situation in order to move past it. I will be there to comfort you as we'll as give rational explanations for events. I will stop at nothing to help you John, I promise you that. -SH

I don't really wanna talk about it. I'd rather you not know. -JW

Ask said before, the information you share will not make me see you any differently than I do now. I assure you. -SH

How can you possibly know that! You ain't physic. -JW

No, but I know you. I also know whatever decisions you made can be justified and were mandatory at the time. -SH

You have too much faith in me. I'm not all good Sherlock, I've done things I'm not proud of. -JW

That would not change a single thing, John. I have also made mistakes in the past, deadly mistakes. You think no less of me for knowing them, I owe you the same courtesy. -SH

I don't want you to agree with me out of debt! -JW

You are a marvellous man John. Do not doubt yourself. -SH

The box, it's pictures of me and some squaddies from the army. They're all dead Sherlock, because of me. I couldn't save them. -JW

You cannot save everyone John. You are only human. As well as the hectic circumstances, you did your best. I think we should carry this on in person. -SH

If you want. We don't have to you know. -JW

Of course I want to. I want you to stop living in the past, dwelling over supposed nefarious actions. I need to do this for you John. -SH

You're too good for me, what did I ever do to deserve you. Eh? -JW

I believe it is the other way around. -SH

Chapter 67: Amused-ment Park  
Part 67: Amused-Ment Park

First off I'd like to apologise for not updating in what seems to be ages! Secondly id like to thank everyone who has left such lovely reviews that I haven't got round to replying to yet. I really appreciate them! xXx

This prompt was suggested by aaa3007...sorry I took so long to post this, and once again thanks for the suggestion! Xxx

Sherlock. -JW

Yes John. I am aware of my own name. I assure you it is not merely as forgettable as 'Greg'. -SH

I still can't believe you didn't know his name! You see him daily for Christ sakes! -JW

His name is irrelevant. I call him by the name of Lestrade. What was your question regarding, try to refrain from changing the subject this time...-SH

Why have you laid out my clothes and that on the bed? Are we due to be somewhere? -JW

Yes. -SH

Right...so for the non-genius one, where exactly are we supposedly going? -JW

There is no 'supposedly' about this matter, John. We are going and that is final. -SH

Yes...but where!? -JW

The Amusement Park. -SH

Erm, may I ask why? -JW

It is a date. You exclaimed that we should spend more time together, apparently doing tasks in which you find fun. You are a thrill seeker so I determined amusement park as the preferred choice. -SH

Don't you think it's a bit...I dunno, random? -JW

I have just explained my reasoning. How on earth could it be deemed at all a random choice? -SH

Because people don't generally go on dates to amusement parks...-JW

Well, we are not most people, are we John? Why would we do something as monotonous as have dinner when we could force adrenaline to course through our veins? -SH

Is there a reason behind this that I don't know about? For a case maybe? -JW

I am offended that you would suspect that. -SH

Sorry, it's just normally you do a nice gesture and it turns out its for a case...I'm not saying you should stop doing them, because god knows I enjoy spending time with you, but does everything have to be work related? -JW

What is the point in partaking in trivial matters if not for enlightenment for a case? -SH

So this is for a case then? I am right. -JW

You are both right and wrong. -SH

Well that don't make sense now, does it? How can I be right and wrong! It either for a case or it isn't. Hardly rocket science. -JW

Rocket Science is quiet simple actually...but yes this is for a case, although I do want to spend time with you as we'll. lets face it, I could be going alone. I had the good grace to invite you along. -SH

Oh, right, yeah, I should be honoured! Sorry!-JW

Apology accepted. -SH

I was being sarcastic. -JW

I know. -SH

Then why reply to it? -JW

Why text it? -SH

Stop making riddles! -JW

I despise riddles. As you are aware. -SH

Whatever, I'm going to get dressed if we want to make this coach to the amusement park on time. -JW

Good, good. -SH

Oh, I thought I would mention that the secondary reason behind inviting you along is so you can be my case study. Do hurry. Coach will not wait. -SH

You bloody bastard! -JW

Yes, yes. We have approximately six minutes. -SH

~~~~~~On The Trip Home~~~~~~

I never want to see another roller-coaster in my whole entire life. -JW

Please explain why we are seated apart? -SH

Because some twat got the two seats left on the coach...which apparently are miles away from each other...-JW

Why can I not swap seats with the woman to you're right. She has come alone, and no doubt will socialize with the other woman on my left. -SH

Yes, but you can't just do what you like, the coach driver will go mental and we've still got 45 minutes of a journey left. I'd rather spend that in peace thank you. -JW

I could swap without catching his attention. I cannot say the same for the woman sitting next to you though, she seems quite talkative. -SH

She is, lord help me! She asked me about shoes...how would I know anything about bloody shoes! -JW

Just nod and agree. It tends to work, she will be fooled into thinking you have her utmost attention. They are Loboutins, am I right? -SH

Yes...please don't tell me how you knew that. Mycroft's not gunna tell me about your alter ego Sherly is he? -JW

I would not degrade myself into dressing in drag. Although my mind would change depending on the urgency of an important case. -SH

Right...-JW

You would be perfect for posing as a woman. Your voice reached unknown octaves when you screamed your way through the third ride. -SH

Oh, god. I'm never gunna live that down am I? -JW

I do not think so, John. It was most amusing. -SH

I'm glad one of us found it funny! I was bloody terrified! -JW

An ex army veteran who is afraid of heights, as well as recreational machines created to stimulate the human body. That clearly is a contradiction in itself. -SH

Yeah, we'll, we can't all be Mr . I'm-Not-Scared-Of-Anything like you! -JW

I feel the reason to which you were so disconcerted by said ride, was because of you're fear of loosing control. You could not stop the ride at any moment and did not expect the hidden cavity built in, which terrifies you as you are so used to being in control. Loosing it caused panic. -SH

I was fine after! -JW

If you call being on the verge of a panic attack 'fine', then you are most likely deluded. -SH

Just, don't mention this to anyone, alright? It's embarrassing. -JW

You have my word, John. Although I am sure Mycroft would have already viewed the footage. -SH

I bloody hats your brother! -JW

The feeling is most definitely mutual. -SH

Chapter 68: My First Kiss Went A Little Like This  
Part 68: My First Kiss Went A Little Like This

This prompt was suggested by Zetramop! Thanks :D xxx

Oh look! Freaks here! -Sally x

Joy...I see he has the good Dr in tow. When will John stop following him around, it's weird. -A

I told him when I first saw him that freak was bad news, did he listen? Did he heck! -Sally x

Must be deluded or he's paying him. -A

Mmm, oh quick, move out the way before freak slam your face in the door again. I'd rather not nurse your broken nose again if its all the same. -Sally x

Ha ha...*insert sarcastic comment here* -A

Do you always lose your body functions when freaks around? -Sally x

Well considering that I can't even so much as breathe with him in the room, I like to keep a low profile. Lestrade just moans at me otherwise and puts me on clean up duty. My idea of a Friday night isn't scrubbing scattered remains off of the M5. -A

Think Greg has a soft spot for him, must feel sorry for the bloke is all I can say. -Sally x

They are unusually close today. I thought John's hand brushed freaks at one point, he made an awful jumble of words...quite hilarious actually. Must fancy him or something? -A

DID YOU JUST SEE THAT!? -Sally x

Yes. That was the single most disgusting thing I have seen...and I deal with dead bodies for a living. -A

I think it's kinda sweet...you know, freak having someone. You gotta admit he acts more human around John. -Sally x

I think they've brain washed you! You call Freak kissing Doctor Watson 'sweet'...more like revolting! In regretting having that bacon sandwich this morning. -A

They kept that quiet didn't they! Didn't even know John swung that way...-Sally x

You never know, Freak might secretly be a woman. -A

HAHAHAHA! I wouldn't out it past him, he can't be human, let alone normal...I mean just look at him hair, it's more perfect than mine. -Sally x

You envy Freak's hair? Who are you and what have you done with Sally Donavan!? -A

You're right. Forget I ever said anything, must be the fumes in this room. -Sally x

I will never be able to look at them the same again, you might have to come round and bleach my brain clean tonight. -A

I like how Greg chose that moment to walk in the room. He walked straight back out again, maybe we should go and tell him he's not going mental? -Sally x

Nah, leave it a while and then we'll tell him. It's quite funny watching him frown like that. -A

Is John blushing? -Sally x

You know, I think he is...d'ya think Freaks gave him some sort of mad scientist potion to make him actually like him? -A

I wouldn't put it past him, maybe the skin colour change is something like a side effect from the drug. -Sally x

I'll ask him ;) -A

Anderson, don't! -Sally x

Ow! -A

I told you not to! You know he has a thing for shutting your face in doors...-Sally x

Well that's settled then. He ain't drugging John, and gets very angry when you mention their relationship...if you can call it that. Least we know his weakness now. -A

It's probably cos the poor bleeder hasn't had any friends before, he's scared he's gunna loose that one of he don't start treating him right. -Sally x

Yeah but John would put up with anything...he lives with him for Christ sakes! -A

How the hell he puts up with him I will never know. I'm sure there's some sort of award he should be entitled to at least. -Sally x

He must be a saint. -A

Hide ya phone! Greg's walking your way. He's already caught me on mine, probably freaks doing. -Sally x

Suppose ill have to go back to pretending to bag evidence. -A

That's alright for you! I've gotta watch Freak rant...Christ knows how Greg keeps up. -Sally x

Do stop discussing my personal life via your telecommunications device when you should be working. I am aware you are quite inept at doing your job, as well as Anderson here, but at least look like you are busy. -SH

Give Anderson his phone back! -Sally x


	2. The sport that is pen passing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sherlock texts John to pass him a pen. Of course he caves in the end.

Pass me a pen. -SH

I'm a work! Get it yourself.

I need a pen. It's of paramount importance. -SH

Well get up and get one then!

I am unable at this current moment. -SH

Well if you're 'able' to get your phone from wherever you left and keep texting me, I'm sure you can get back off your arse and get a pen.

I do not know where they are kept. -SH

Nice try, your a consulting detective. Deduce where they're kept.

There was a 13.6% chance of that particular reply working. -SH

More like 0.

I factored in the possibly of complete boredom and the addition of enough alcohol or drugs in your system to detract your ability to think clearly. -SH

Why the hell would I be drinking at work? I'm a doctor Sherlock. The possibility of me doing drugs doesn't even need an answer.

It was a simple assumption John. If I did not factor in every possibility the result would not be as accurate. -SH

Yeah okay, just stop texting me I'm working.

If it bothers you greatly, why on earth are you replying? -SH

You are bored. Obviously. -SH

I may be, but it's paying our rent and bills so STOP DISTRACTING ME!!

A good doctor can work under pressure and against distractions. -SH

Stop it!

Where are the pens kept? -SH

STOP

TEXTING

ME

YOU

TIT

Most effective John, the method of trying to subject annoyance upon the offending party. Although I really do require that pen. -SH

Your desk. Left hand side of the room. Opposite the sofa. Pen pot. Happy?

Most. Now could you take a break from your tedious establishment and pass me one. -SH

No.

John. -SH

I am aware of my own name.  
Sherlock.

Please. -SH

Not gunna work this time.

It was worth a try. -SH

John? -SH

I found the pen. -SH

The ink has run out. How unfortunate. -SH

Purchase some biros on your way home. -SH

Preferably blue. -SH

If not red. Blood red. -SH

I doubt the shops sell blood-like ink Sherlock.

Shame. I guess it would make exploding pens look like murders. I'm surprised Scotland Yard haven't arrested an artist for manslaughter after dropping a paint can. -SH

Is that your attempt at a joke?

Was it successful? -SH

Kinda, it made me laugh.

Good, good. -SH

Have you purchased the pens? -SH

Yes Sherlock I've got your damn pens!

Colour? -SH

Blue. Not risking an ink spill encase Greg thinks you've finally killed me ;)

Don't be absurd. He would hypothesise the opposite. -SH

Haha! Oh yeah, he's always asking me if I've killed you yet.

I hope you have no plans regarding my demise any time soon. At least until basic human knowledge or deduction has increased to a level where crimes are able to be solved in a feasible time scale. -SH

No Sherlock, I'm not gunna kill you anytime soon...unless I find another head in the fridge. Then I might consider it.

What about components of a human skull, dismembered? -SH

That too.

Oh. Don't open the fridge. -SH

Sherlock!!!

It's for a case, John. -SH

I don't care if it's for the queen! Not in the fridge! Food goes in there!

Mycroft has no cases based around the need for a skull, John. -SH

Har-bloody-har! Just keep t away from the milk. Please?

About that... -SH

Please tell me you haven't!?

A trickle of blood may have entered the milk carton. It was unavoidable. -SH

Of course it bloody was.

Great choice of wording John. -SH

Just try not to contaminate the Tea until I get back yeah?

I believe it is in your favour that we are out. -SH

And what have you done with the whole box that was new in the cupboard?

The sections of the skull needed a plan based cushion in which to soak up excess liquid. -SH

Naturally.

There is nothing natural about that experiment John. -SH

Don't worry.


End file.
